Recently, I was approached by a young man (Roger) who confessed that he’d been having difficulty keeping his “bitches in line”. I stared confusedly at him for a few seconds before I realized that the brim of his hat was perfectly strait and his pants were sagging off his ass. I beat his ass and sent him crying back home to his mother, right after I beat his mother’s ass for letting her son grow up to be a douchebag. I was keeping my “bitches in line”.
That’s was just a demonstration, Roger. Now go get a damn job, you pussy.
With that pleasant little back story, consider it a warning. If your “hoes be trippin’”, then you’re an uneducated piece of trash. Go to school, get a job, and quit walking around like you’re hard. You’re just another posing peepee toucher, whether you’ve killed a guy or not. I’m sick and tired of seeing you pimply-faced, middle-class, @$$holes walking down the street with your effing pants around your knees. You think you’re a badass, but sagging pants below your ass originated in prisons to mark who the “bitches” really were. If your oversized-tshirt wearing cornhole doesn’t understand the previous sentence, let me “break it down” for your punkass: Pull your pants up, because you’re advertising for another man to put his erect dangler into your pooper and make you do his laundry.
Now that I’ve wrapped up my rant on middle-class kids trying to be “hood”, if you’re actually a man who protects and rents out his stable of women for other men to fornicate with – and it’s your job – you may want to take some notes on how to keep your pimp hand strong.
1. Work out. Do one-finger pushups every morning to strengthen the Jell-O you’re packing in each of your little hand sausages. You’re going to occasionally need to catch bullets from rival pimps, so the stronger your appendages are, the better off your merchandise will be.
2. Baby powder. You want the love taps you’re laying on those misbehaving ladies to sting a little, not kill them. Soften up that hand, so the calluses don’t knock her out or stab her with their stone-hard manness. Your other hand should be firmly calluses from man-work, though. Use your hatchet to chop down some redwood trees.
3. Repetition. Use the hand to perform your pimpin’ activities. Hit a hooker, backhand another pimp, I don’t care, just get out there and utilize your man hands to do some damage. If you’re a teenage white kid, you’re NOT pimpin’. Learn to read and stop letting the Chinese take over all our professional jobs. That’s all I’ve got on pimp hands. I’m still not sure where the distinction lies for you between your pimp and non-pimp hand, because mine are both for pimpin’ and non-pimpin’. Ponder that in your stupid little brain. See you next week.