Stern Show 1990's HOWARD HEARS ABOUT FUTURE SELF

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Dean Wormer, Aug 1, 2016.

  1. Dean Wormer

    Dean Wormer Well-Known Member

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    INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY

    HOWARD: Just got a note from some guy named Dean, say's he's from the future. Says I'm gonna be a colossal asshole in the future.

    ROBIN: I'm not disagreeing but when in the future do you douche out?

    JACKIE: Tomorrow.

    SOUNDBITE: YES SUH!

    HOWARD: Look who's talking. You owe your whole life to me.

    SOUNDBITE: JACKIE MUSIC.

    ROBIN: Can we get back to the future, so to speak.

    HOWARD: Right, Robin. The note says, I'm gonna divorce Allison, fire Jackie--

    JACKIE: Oh!

    HOWARD: Start doing lame bits on the show. I'm gonna hire a new guy that will try to kill show staffers and then commit suicide. Robin will get cancer from the stress and almost die, then balloon up like Oprah on helium. I'm also gonna start sucking Ralph's cock, do a lot of faggy shit, become a fake feminist and gay rights activist, kiss the asses of all my enemies to make people like me, have plastic surgery then lie about it, wear a wig and lie about it, then do a shitty TV reality show and lie about why they fired me. I'm only gonna work three days a week, piss on my fans, and torment my staffers like a Nazi tyrant. And to top it all off, I'm gonna marry a golddigger that looks like a horse and collects cats because I won't give her a baby.

    ROBIN: Wow. This guy's smoking some strong stuff. Well, one thing's for sure, I'm so healthy, there's no way I'll get cancer.

    JACKIE: What about me getting fired?

    HOWARD: I'm ready for that right now. Hey, notice there's nothing about Fred. Maybe you die, Fred.

    FRED: Probably I'll just be the same, secretly laughing at all of you.

    HOWARD: The note closes by saying: "The irony of all this is there will be a website that functions as a memory of what I used to be, funny, witty and controversial and it will stand as a tormentor of what I eventually become, almost like I'm mocking myself on the internet."

    ROBIN: Man, this guy has some imagination.

    JACKIE: Better than having cancer.

    ROBIN: Screw you, Jackie.

    SOUND BITE: "Please don't make a mockery of this."

    HOWARD: Well, here's my message to you, Dean wherever you are. No way any of this is going to happen. First, I love my wife. She won't put out for me but hey, that's marriage. I love my daughters and would never leave them for anything, least of all, some cheap piece of ass. Who am I, Imus? Second, I love my job and I'm not going to be like Johnny Carson, phoning it in just because I'm getting old. I'll quit first-- right after I fire Jackie. The future may not be determined but like James T. Kirk on Star Trek, I can say my humanity will always win out over uncertainty.

    SFX: STAR TREK THEME

    HOWARD: These are the voyages of the Howard Stern Show and will boldly go where no man has gone before--

    JACKIE: The Homo Room.

    HOWARD: You know, maybe it said Jackie gets cancer. Anyway, I will not change. I promise my millions of fans that I will not let them down. I will continue to bring them integrity, honor, whackpackers and dick jokes to the best of my abilities. And this douchey Howard Stern that only lives in this guys feeble imagination will never stain the airwaves using my name.
    (pause)
    Anything else, Robin?


    Copyright © Infinity Broadcasting
     
    Rael, Anthony223, Cunt and 4 others like this.
  2. Kanye West

    Kanye West Yeezus!

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    who the FUCK is going to read this shit?
     
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  3. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    Wow, this might be the worst fucking thread in the history of the galaxy
     
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  4. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    You seriously thought this shit was funny?

    My God
     
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  5. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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    Pretty good thread. Thanks OP. :hat:
     
  6. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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    Someone needs to punch up that script:grad:
     
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  7. pope29

    pope29 Saloon's Oldest Mult

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    Op has too much time on his hands yet it was quite funny and a well thought out little story. 8.5/10
     
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  8. killallposers

    killallposers VIP Extreme Gold

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    Hey, they couldn't curse in the 1990s. Something's fishy. :bigthink
     
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  9. pope29

    pope29 Saloon's Oldest Mult

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    It's funny in its' irony. Kinda like you.
     
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  10. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    Someone needs to punch their fucking comedy coach
     
  11. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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    I'd tongue punch this:
    [​IMG]
     
  12. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    I'm guessing OP hasn't been laid in like forever.
     
    Cheri likes this.
  13. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    Gross what's that
     
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  14. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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    Nancy and her dirty, dirty butt.
     
  15. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. gwartney

    gwartney Unafilliated Gold

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    You know that shit was funny!
     
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  17. njguy8

    njguy8 Well-Known Member VIP

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    Absolutely insane if true.
     
  18. Dean Wormer

    Dean Wormer Well-Known Member

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    It's not a picture of a steak sandwich but I'm working my way up to that.
     
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  19. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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    He posts cheeseburgers, get it right.
     
  20. Dean Wormer

    Dean Wormer Well-Known Member

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    Who indeed.