'Got Talent' Won't Rest Until They See Someone Die On Stage I don't religiously watch America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent or These Fucking Fuckers Are Talented As Fuck ... but I will admit that when my insomnia kicks in and I need to fill my brain with stupidity at 3 a.m. on some random Tuesday, I'll pull up YouTube and get lost in individual clips until sunrise. I've watched hundreds of acts over the years, and one frightening thing I've noticed is that no matter what country has talent, all of these shows desperately want to film someone's death on stage. I first noticed it when an engaged couple were performing a basic circus sideshow act. The man swallowed a sword and then put a small target in his mouth. The woman then accidentally shot him right in the goddamn throat with a flaming goddamn arrow. While the sword was still crammed down his stupid suckhole. Now, obviously she didn't do it on purpose. Though now that I think about it, it would have been the most awesome rejection response in the history of proposals. There was a malfunction with the crossbow, and fortunately the guy was fine. He at least had the presence of mind to not allow his gag reflex to clench shut around that sword, or shit could have gone downhill really fast. Still, the accident happened, and still, they showed it. They could have easily cut it out of the program, but they knew that flaming arrows to the throat always means great ratings. That's just TV 101. If that had been the only case of almost-manslaughter I've seen on the show, I would have just left it at that. But in true "what the fuck is wrong with the world" fashion, it's not even close to the only example The shows all across the world revel in these accidents. No, not all of them are life-threatening, but any injury is a good injury, and they hold that shit in higher regard than the actual winning acts. Every time a dance crew takes the floor, you can hear the sound of pants stretching from their growing boners. Even from the women. You can almost smell the extra wax they put on the stage, just to fuck them up. Don't think for a second that they don't eat this shit up. In one episode of America's Got Talent, a couple performed a stunt in which she held an apple in her mouth while a guy cut an H into it with a chainsaw. Luckily, I don't have to write about a horrific chainsaw fuck-up, ending with her having a permanent H cut into her skull. But while holding the apple in her mouth, her jaw popped out of place. Instead of rushing her backstage to get medical attention, the judges and audience laughed their asses off and forced her to answer questions. Howard Stern even went as far as mocking her new injury-induced accent. Classy. They're not going to rest until there's a corpse on camera, are they? Stern related because: (a) see above; (b) much like Howard, Cracked has evolved. It's not funny anymore, just whiny.