Amazing article on the 2010 Dallas Cowboys

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Mark Mayonnaise, Nov 8, 2010.

  1. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

    Reputations:
    317,672
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    177,742
    Likes Received:
    59,643
    I can't front. This is the funniest fucking thing I've read in a long time.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-taking-no-joy-in-cowboys-pathetic-collapse,18405/


    Nation Taking No Joy In Cowboys' Pathetic Collapse
    'Actually, Never Mind, It's Really Fun,' Reports Populace

    [​IMG]


    IRVING, TXâ€â€As the Dallas Cowboys struggle with a 1-6 season, sports fans nationwide have been saddened by the bad fortune that has befallen the franchise long revered as one of the NFL's crown jewels, and known throughout the football world as America's Team.

    Actually, the U.S. populace immediately confirmed, the Cowboys' pathetic collapse has brought with it nothing but pure joy and happiness.

    "It's really been tough to watch, especially for a team that had so much potential heading into the season," Appleton, WI shopkeeper and longtime Packers fan Erik Hoyer said. "Ha! I was almost able to say that with a straight face. Honestly, this Cowboys team has made watching football more fun than it's been in years. They can't run the ball, they can't defend anything, and they're imploding so bad that their owner doesn't even know how many games they've played."

    "I can't think of a better team for this to happen to," he added. "I literally can't stop smiling."

    According to the American people, to think that the Cowboysâ€â€an organization that has been synonymous with excellence for decadesâ€â€have fallen to last place in their conference and all but come apart at the seams has been very difficult. That is, the nation explained, if the definition of "difficult" involves loving life more than ever, especially when thinking about how the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the team at Cowboys Stadium in front of 80,000 loud and insufferable fans.

    Disappointed citizensâ€â€who explained that they were not so much disappointed as they were elated and filled with a renewed sense of justice in the universeâ€â€said the real icing on the cake is thinking about how upset the entire city of Dallas will be this February when hosting a Super Bowl that does not include the Cowboys.

    "You know, I thought I would really enjoy something like this, but a football season doesn't feel like a season if the Cowboys don't have a chance at making the playoffs," New York Giants fan and banker David McQuillan said. "That said, would any of you like to watch six hours of highlights from all the Cowboys' losses? I've saved them all on my DVR, because sometimes when I'm having a tough time at work I watch the Giants 41-35 victory and the look on Wade Phillips' dumb face just cheers me right up.

    "Man, I'm going to love when that guy gets fired," McQuillan continued. "It's going to be so sweet I can taste it."

    Like the Yankees in baseball, the Cowboys are known throughout the country as a team that prides itself on excellence, a team that has come to embody its sport. And when star quarterback Tony Romo went down with a clavicle injury several weeks ago, the disappointment could be felt from coast-to-coast.

    "Hearing Romo scream when his collarbone snapped will always be one of my favorite memories," Washington, D.C. resident Nick Thomason said. "I was pretty young when Dallas went 1-15 in 1989, but I still remember their only win that year was against my Redskins. It's like the football gods were repaying me by making sure he was miked up during that game."

    "I thought I would cherish the day when the Cowboys completely imploded," 44-year-old James Tolliver of Providence, RI said. "And I was right. This has been absolutely wonderful."

    According to a recent USA Today poll, 45 percent of the country said that no team deserves to perform this terribly under this much pressure, except for the Dallas Cowboys. Thirty-two percent said that the season has been emotionally taxing for people who grew up worshipping Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, and Emmitt Smith, and that those people should probably go fuck themselves anyway.

    Ninety-nine percent of respondents said that if karma has caught up with the Cowboys, and they are finally getting payback for all the times Michael Irvin pushed off and was never called for it, or all the years they mysteriously never played an away game in December, then karma is the greatest thing in the history of the world.

    "Firing the coach, hiring a new coach, players wanting to be traded, Romo's toughness questioned in the locker roomâ€â€there are going to be some amazing meltdowns coming, mark my words," said lifelong Dallas resident Stephen Lowndes, who has been steeped in Cowboys lore all his life without being asked if that was what he wanted. "Plus, they're about due for a major drug incident, or maybe a strip-club brawl or something, just to make the season perfect. And months down the road, long after they miss the playoffs, they get to screw up the draft. Really, you have to grow up getting this team rammed down your throat every single fucking minute of every single goddamn day of your life to appreciate how much I'm loving this."

    "Seriously, best season ever," Lowndes added. "How 'bout them Cowboys!"
     
  2. MONK

    MONK The fuck? Staff Member Chimp In Charge

    Reputations:
    158,462
    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2010
    Messages:
    19,262
    Likes Received:
    3,787
  3. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

    Reputations:
    317,672
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    177,742
    Likes Received:
    59,643
  4. Stanley6148

    Stanley6148 New Member

    Reputations:
    -3
    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2010
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    0
    I just heard Wade's been fired. Fuck him!
     
  5. x76

    x76 Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    34,939
    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2010
    Messages:
    4,219
    Likes Received:
    5,521
  6. Vyb

    Vyb serial chiller Gold

    Reputations:
    7,050
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    43,535
    Likes Received:
    1,302
    "Hearing Romo scream when his collarbone snapped will always be one of my favorite memories."

    :jj:
     
  7. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

    Reputations:
    62,000
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2010
    Messages:
    23,291
    Likes Received:
    10,723
    Maybe you should choose another team.....try the CFL faggot
     
  8. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

    Reputations:
    317,672
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    177,742
    Likes Received:
    59,643
    It's too late. I have a Cowboys tattoo.
     
  9. Vyb

    Vyb serial chiller Gold

    Reputations:
    7,050
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    43,535
    Likes Received:
    1,302
    Yankees, Cowboys....

    if I could only get the Lakers to go down too. :evil:
     
  10. k4D3t

    k4D3t Reverse Apache Master VIP

    Reputations:
    4,282
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2010
    Messages:
    15,734
    Likes Received:
    169
    where is that asshole switzer -- bring him back
     
  11. deverrant

    deverrant VIP Extreme Gold

    Reputations:
    123,310
    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2010
    Messages:
    16,246
    Likes Received:
    3,059
    I'm all bubbly inside.
     
  12. Vyb

    Vyb serial chiller Gold

    Reputations:
    7,050
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    43,535
    Likes Received:
    1,302
    That's gas. :fart:
     
  13. ChuckZ

    ChuckZ You're so pusillanimous, oh yea.

    Reputations:
    190,679
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2010
    Messages:
    207,062
    Likes Received:
    40,009
    Women don't have gas. :weird: