Anyone ever get a massage with a happy ending?

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Tranquil, Jul 19, 2015.

  1. Tranquil

    Tranquil Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    107,176
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    9,411
    Likes Received:
    6,970
    I was hanging out with some of my friends tonight, and they brought up getting a massage with a happy ending. I've never done anything like that before and I didn't believe them when they said they knew a place that would do that.

    We all packed in my car and left to get a 'massage' we quickly dropped by an ATM to get some cash and drove over there. Walking into to the place it was dark, barely any light at all they said $40 for a massage so I gave them the money then they put me in a room with minimal lighting. This asian girl walked in and said take off all your clothes then she closed the door and left. I did just that, laid down on the table with a small towel covering my junk.

    She came back removed the towel from my junk and asked if I wanted a hand job, not verbally though she used her hands showing a jack off movement, then asked if I wanted a blow job, again not verbally she showed a certain sucking motion with her mouth, then asked if I wanted sex by moving her body in a thrusting motion, no words were exchanged. I asked for the prices then agreed with the hand job, since I didn't have enough cash on hand for anything more.

    Needles to say this was a very interesting experience and now I can say I've had a massage with a happy ending, cross that one off the list.
     
  2. telecaster

    telecaster Get Yer Ya Ya's Out

    Reputations:
    86,481
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    5,859
    Likes Received:
    2,026
    Yes, I've been jerked off in a massage parlor only one time. It was a good friend's Bachelor Party. Every man should do it at least once. Shit, I'd go to one now if there was a cool one locally.
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  3. Tranquil

    Tranquil Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    107,176
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    9,411
    Likes Received:
    6,970
    Just go after hours around midnight, any massage parlor open that late will be ready for 'business'.
     
  4. dawg

    dawg In The Dog House Staff Member

    Reputations:
    541,351
    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2010
    Messages:
    119,587
    Likes Received:
    91,004
  5. SouthernListen

    SouthernListen I don't follow the crowd. Sorry about that. VIP

    Reputations:
    240,715
    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2012
    Messages:
    38,751
    Likes Received:
    39,500
    I heard a rumor that women will do it for free if you're not a total loser.
     
    Cunt, Homerj123, El Guapo and 19 others like this.
  6. dawg

    dawg In The Dog House Staff Member

    Reputations:
    541,351
    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2010
    Messages:
    119,587
    Likes Received:
    91,004
    :spit:
     
    EndOfLine and IfTheyOnlyKnew like this.
  7. zutroy

    zutroy Totally nude. Totally flawless.

    Reputations:
    36,862
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2015
    Messages:
    2,364
    Likes Received:
    7,543
    But for those of us that are, Asian women will do it for cheap. Nothing wrong with that.
     
    NyMarkNy, SillyOldMan, Slow and 3 others like this.
  8. Tranquil

    Tranquil Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    107,176
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    9,411
    Likes Received:
    6,970
    Agreed. This was more of a check that off the list item than anything else.
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew and Ta Ta Toothy like this.
  9. Snotty

    Snotty My Snothand be strong!!! VIP Gold

    Reputations:
    83,436
    Joined:
    May 13, 2012
    Messages:
    25,301
    Likes Received:
    17,775
    No......Not yet?
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  10. Winst

    Winst Well-Known Member VIP

    Reputations:
    -12,836
    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2012
    Messages:
    8,312
    Likes Received:
    2,239
    Been there.....done that.

    Giving and getting.



    ...... :whistle:
     
  11. telecaster

    telecaster Get Yer Ya Ya's Out

    Reputations:
    86,481
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    5,859
    Likes Received:
    2,026
    I'm a total loser. I'd do it again. Ask your wife or girlfriend to jack you off to completion and see if she can finish the job?
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  12. wife is a whore

    wife is a whore Stripped of POTY for butthurting staff VIP

    Reputations:
    577,394
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    47,154
    Likes Received:
    78,972
    No table shower? Table shower is the best part. Lift your hips when she starts scrubbing your ass crack, so she knows to play with yer bunghole.
     
  13. GaryPuppet

    GaryPuppet Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    246,199
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    25,357
    Likes Received:
    48,945


    I only fucking wish something good like this would happen to me!

    HOT!
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  14. wife is a whore

    wife is a whore Stripped of POTY for butthurting staff VIP

    Reputations:
    577,394
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    47,154
    Likes Received:
    78,972
    California is littered w/ chinks and beaners. There are probably 1/2 dozen rub n tugs w/i driving distance from you.

    I've never gotten an outcall massage whore, because I would miss the table shower, but I've heard they are hotter than incall ones.
     
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  15. MilkyDischarge

    MilkyDischarge Se suelto el diablo Gold

    Reputations:
    69,872
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2013
    Messages:
    8,142
    Likes Received:
    13,765
  16. Anyonenow

    Anyonenow Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    119,578
    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2011
    Messages:
    7,481
    Likes Received:
    5,597
  17. IfTheyOnlyKnew

    IfTheyOnlyKnew VIP Extreme Gold

    Reputations:
    671,805
    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2013
    Messages:
    24,090
    Likes Received:
    57,445
    I just told my husband, less than an hour ago, that he should go get one. :giggle:


    He lied and said he'd prefers when I do it. :rolleyes:
     
  18. Mike

    Mike 'Merica Gold

    Reputations:
    43,711
    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,389
    Likes Received:
    10,260
    if only you had more cash

    y they no take credit card? da fuck is up with that. bet you would've gone the premium and they'd make more money
     
  19. MilkyDischarge

    MilkyDischarge Se suelto el diablo Gold

    Reputations:
    69,872
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2013
    Messages:
    8,142
    Likes Received:
    13,765
    Pardon the length, but this should help-


    How to Get the Most Out of a Massage Parlor Visit
    Every Asian massage should have a happy ending.

    By Yaro Shepherd / Jul 29, 2009 / 8 Comments / Submit an article
    [​IMG]
    We've all been there: you find yourself driving by a certain part of town when you see the sign for a "Massage Parlor" or "Asian Spa" in a spot that doesn't obligate a massage parlor or have a single Asian person living nearby, and using your Russell-Crowe-like mind you cracked this code and read the sign as it was intended to be read: "Handjobs ‘R Us."

    Instantly your mind is flooded with thoughts: "How much would this sort of thing cost me?" "What do I get?" "Is this illegal?" "Are they all Asian?" You end up putting the thought in the back of your brain where all unlikely sexual scenarios go—until one day.

    Maybe you broke up with your girlfriend, maybe you just got paid, or maybe your internet is down, but you find your mind wandering to the thought of the parlor. You decide to walk in... you know... just to research it, and find yourself instantly lost: What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?

    Fortunately for you, I have researched this subject and can now confidently tell you the proper way to go about getting wanked off.

    1. Dress the Part

    First of all, avoid a police outfit. You may think it's funny, but the girls certainly won't. You're going to want to wear something that walks the line between "I just stumbled in here" and "I'm prepared to whip out my penis immediately." Shorts and a t-shirt are preferred because they can be taken on and off easily. Button up shirts should be avoided because putting them on while you're absorbed by overwhelming guilt is difficult, and you're likely to miss a button.

    [​IMG]
    Find an Asian Spa near you.As opposed to all those PUBLIC baths we're forced to take, living in Ancient Rome and all.Try not to show off and wear your best clothes because a) You're dealing with whores who don't really care, and b) These types of establishments rarely splurge on luxuries like hooks and hangers for you to store your wardrobe.

    Underwear choice is also important. Wear loose-fitting boxers that you won't be embarrassed being seen in (avoid silk, you don't want to look trashier than your "date").

    Inner Voice: Alright let's do this, we're getting a rub and tug! Woo!
    Penis: Yay!
    Inner Voice: Alright so what do we wear? Is this like a formal date?
    Penis: Who cares, it's all going on the floor. Know why? Because someone is gonna touch me today!!


    2. The New Guy

    Picture a wild animal walking into a rave—that's your inspiration for the entire time you're at the parlor. Look around aimlessly—the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working. When you're finally approached and asked if you want a massage, you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around.

    Sometimes you'll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don't really know how this works. You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that's just the money that goes to the owner (pimp); the girls make money from tips. Don't try to be suggestive at this point, because you're just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn't respect you. When the girl leads you to the room, she'll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.

    Inner Voice: Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know?
    Penis: Alright, I see ladies. Lots of cleavage too, I'm getting up for this.
    Inner Voice: Cool it, act nonchalant, we're being approached.
    Whore: Hey there, are you interested in a massage?
    You: Um...yeah sure. I'll just take the half hour massage, what does that include?
    Whore: It includes a massage...that's all we do here, is give massages.
    Penis: Giggidy!


    3. You Do What Here?!

    [​IMG]This is the most important part of the procedure. When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you're face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing. As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she's from, where you're from, really anything other than her milking your cock. Brownie points if you tell her to really "get in deep on the shoulders" because of your pickup basketball mishap.

    By the time she finishes your rubdown you should be comfortable with her in a masseuse/client type of way. When she hints at the mention of a handjob, do your best "deer-in-a-rave" impression again; scrunch your brow, look around aimlessly, shift in one place, and try to look as uncomfortable as possible. She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you. When she does, look around like you want to leave (start putting on your t-shirt for dramatic effect) and mention something about only having $20. Then watch the magic happen.

    Whore: *Random small talk you don't need to listen to*
    Penis: When does she touch me?
    Inner Voice: Good question, I'm getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut.
    Whore: So, do you want me to touch...down there?
    Penis: Jackpot!
    You: Um...er...wow...I didn't know...wow...I only have like, $20.


    4. Fuck It, I'm Here Anyway

    Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get. You should lament the fact that you only have $20 but since you're here anyway you'll take what you can get. At this point she'll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.

    Most likely, though, she'll want more money. Tell her you're broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a Nigerian prince. If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren't like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind. In short, it's like fucking opium to them.

    [​IMG]
    Skip the lotions assuredly made in China.She'll succumb eventually and will begin to work her magic. If she's truly pissed you're not giving her more than $20 then prepare for a standard (if magical) wank. If she doesn't mind the pay cut, you may be able to talk her into taking off her top, allowing you to fondle her while she fondles you. It's a win-win! If she gives you the option of lotion or no lotion, choose no lotion—that way you get the most for your money, plus you won't need to worry about her using some knock-off lead-based lotion straight out of China that's going to make your dick explode into hives after twenty minutes.

    You: So how much is this going to cost?
    Whore: Well it's $40 if you want a handjob and $80 for a blowjob.
    You: I really only have the $20 so what are my options?


    Scenario 1
    Whore: Alright well I guess I can make an exception, just because you're cute.
    Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!


    Scenario 2
    Whore: Well there's an ATM in the lobby.
    You: I know, but this was my last $60. See I got this email that told me that a Nigerian king recently died and his son needed my bank account information to move a few million around. For some reason when I checked my account, everything was cleaned out, but I think it's just temporary. Point is, I don't have any money.
    Whore: Your story sounds believable and I will proceed to touch your junk.
    Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!


    5. Awkward Aftermath

    After you're done she'll most likely throw some paper towels your way and tell you to clean up. Do this quickly and get dressed as if you were a firefighter rushing for a five-alarm blaze after being awoken at 2am. Try to ignore the waves of guilt washing over your body as you do this. A standard "thank you" is appreciated but not compulsory, seeing as how you'll never visit this place again. Walk/sprint out of the parlor while keeping your eyes to the ground and your shoulders square (in case someone gets in your way) and proceed to your car. Feel free to sit in your vehicle for a few minutes to sob quietly to yourself about what your life has become.

    Penis: That was fantastic, we should get a membership there or something.
    Inner Voice: I...what have I done, oh my god. Why?
    Penis: Giggidy.


    Happy ending!
     
  20. FishySausage

    FishySausage Original Nuttah VIP Gold

    Reputations:
    155,172
    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2010
    Messages:
    12,812
    Likes Received:
    21,889
    Yeah but then there's a whole paper trail. :secret: