Book: Howard Stern A to Z

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Feb 21, 2015.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    I've been on a Howard Stern-themed fact-finding mission this year, reading whatever old books and interviews I can find. Howard Stern A to Z , an unauthorized, 249-page guide by Luigi Lucaire, was released in 1997 -- in hot anticipation of the box office smash Private Parts (which is optimistically described in this book as "Howard's first movie.")

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    Most of the content -- all presented in glossary form -- was obsessively pulled directly from Howard's radio shows. Because we'll never hear any of this stuff again thanks to the Alison Stern ban and the tireless whitewashing work of the Tapes Team, I pulled out some of the best entries to share here. Most of this is pulled verbatim, or is at least concisely paraphrased. Broken into two posts because of the site's character limit. Comments in brackets are my own.

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    A


    Anal sex When a caller asked him (August 5, 1996) if he ever had anal sex with Alison, Howard commented, “I’ve never had the privilege – I’m not sure I have the desire with her.” He added that he’s “never been one of those guys who’s into the buttocks.” Three months later, however, on November 28, 1996, Howard announced to his crew and audience that he had invaded Alison’s third input that weekend.

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    Ashley The youngest of Stern’s three daughters, whose name was suggested by Richard Simmons – who owned a Dalmation dog named Ashley.

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    August Miles The pseudonym Howard used on the Boston University radio station for a brief time. He stole the name from a classmate’s brother.

    B

    Bat Mitzfah About a year before the event, Howard said on-air that the Bat Mitzfah for his oldest daughter, Emily, would cost $50,000. It was never brought up again after that broadcast, suggesting that Alison was disturbed by Howard’s talking about the subject. After Emily’s Bat Mitzfah in May 1996, there was no mention of the event by Stern or crew -- although they made vague references to a “party” that they had been to the previous weekend. For some reason, Stern did not want to announce this significant family event to his audience.

    “Boopsy” One of Ray Stern’s nicknames for Howard.

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    C

    Callahan, Colleen Howard’s hair dyer for the movie Private Parts. [Although Howard unwaveringly insists at age 61 that he does not dye his conspicuously dark hair, ] he and Allison continued to use Colleen’s services after Private Parts production ended.

    Camp Bryn Mawr The all-girl summer camp in Pennsylvania that Debra and Emily attended in 1996. (A 52-day stay cost about $5,500 per person at the time.) It’s noteworthy that Howard did not send his daughters to a co-ed summer camp, like his beloved Camp Wel-Met. [Maybe because of all the unsubstantiated claims of fucking that Howard says he participated in while he was there.]

    Captain Janks Janks is an adopted child. His biological mother was just 14 when she had him.

    Coburn, Toni Stern’s hairdresser during the Private Parts production, and on his E! Show. [Toni continues to work with Howard to this day, and has been seen on AGT and even Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.] Stern bellyached about Joan Rivers having a 365-day-a-year hairdresser, but he also had one.

    Condoms [Under "Cirella, Ralph" in the book] In March 1996, Ralph Cirella gave Howard’s assistant Laura Lackner a list of Stern’s needs for his Private Parts trailer. On the list (Tom’s of Maine toothpaste, Arm & Hammer deodorant, Q-tips, dental floss, etc.) was condoms. Laura left the list on Howard’s desk in his house basement. Alison, snooping around, read the list and was puzzled. When Howard found out that she saw the list, he immediately confronted his wife and told her Ralph had drawn up the list. [With Alison on the phone, Howard addressed this incident on the air, threatening to fire Ralph. Ralph claimed to Alison that he added condoms to the list as a joke. This ties in to the next entry: ]


    F

    Fellatio Out of nowhere, but on a high from finishing Private Parts, Howard treated his crew and audience on how to properly perform fellatio, proclaiming “all women think they’re good at it and they’re not.”

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    The Fresh Prince of Bel Air The television show on which Robin Quivers made a guest appearance. When Robin started to plug her appearance one morning, Howard became annoyed.

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    G

    Gardenia, Vince The character actor (Bang the Drum Slowly) whom Ben Stern told Howard, as a child, that he knew. But when Howard, as an adult, finally met Gardenia in person, Vince said that he never met Ben Stern. [This is not unlike Larry King’s untrue claim to have been friends with Sandy Koufax, which Howard loves to bring up.]


    H

    “How” One of Alison’s nicknames for Howard.

    Hygiene Robin Quivers confessed that she wipes herself standing up, which fascinated Howard. Gary mentioned that he did the same thing.


    I

    IBM When Stern decided to install an IBM computer system in his basement and at the studio, he became one of IBM’s greatest salesmen, condemning Apple products (and Microsoft Windows 95) at any opportunity. Jeff Schick was Stern’s contact at IBM. Howard’s TV shows usually showed a credit to IBM, suggesting that he gets free or discounted IBM equipment in exchange for plugs. Stern denied that he received anything free from IBM, which is not to say that his show or one of his production companies didn’t.

    IQ Howard has said he has a 135 IQ. [That’s 5 points higher than Will Murray’s IQ -- the highest tested IQ on the Stern staff.] Stuttering John Melendez claims to have an IQ of 136.


    J

    Janine Stern’s date at Boston University whom he took to an erotic film festival. They were in bed together, but she didn’t give him any sex. When Howard touched her breast, she started talking about rape.

    Judy The name of a black girl whom Howard “was in love with” when he lived in Roosevelt.



    K

    Karasick, Rita A Boston University classmate to whom Howard, under the influence of alcohol, confessed his love. He complained on-air that she never wanted to have sex with him.

    Klores, Dan Stern’s publicity agent. At his 1995 wedding, Howard was insulted when Klores, after dancing with his bride for a minute or two, walked up to Stern and invited him to dance with him. Howard, who hated these affairs, was livid but decided to go along with the idea. [Stern has since stolen Klores’s bit, using it recently on Jimmy Kimmel at his wedding.]


    L

    Lugz
    A footwear sponsor of the Stern Show in the ‘90s. Howard said they are “his favorite shoes.” [Remember Lugz any time Howard rhapsodizes over his beloved Tommy John underwear.]

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    M


    McCormack, Mary After Private Parts finished filming, Howard gave her a wedding ring.

    Mexico Where Howard and Alison spent their honeymoon.

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    [And now where Beth and Howard spend their Christmas vacations, stargazing at Jennifer Aniston.]

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    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
  2. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    N

    Nealon, Kevin Howard liked to comment on his hair, wondering if it was a “weave job” or something else. [Joking about Nealon's hair is now off-limits. He appeared on the Kitten Bowl with Beth.]

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    P

    Patty A counselor at Camp Wel-Met with whom Howard claims to have had sex. Details are rarely furnished.

    Perez, Rosie The Puerto Rican actress who got Howard excited when she visited his trailer during the filming of Private Parts. He commented that she was “superattractive … her nipples and everything you could see through this little sweater she’s wearing.” He also noticed she had a “great ass.”

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    Plastic Surgery Howard said he would love Alison to get some breast implants. In a discussion about plastic surgery, Howard [who was actively lying about not having a nose job at the time] was quick to recommend Dr. Daniel Baker and Dr. Sherill Astin.

    “Polack girl” Stern mentioned (October 2, 1990) a Polish-American girl who once tickled him where he had never been tickled before, and never since. [Probably his prostate, since Howard desperately wanted Alison to put fingers up his asshole. (He wrote about it in Private Parts.)]

    “Polacks” Howard has special hostility for the French, German and Polish. Stern says that in his hometown of Roosevelt, he was regularly beaten up by the blacks and the “Polacks.” In late 1996, he told his audience, “I’d rather be with the blacks than these Polacks!” [Three years later he’d left his wife and kids and had begun a now-15-plus-year relationship with the Polack Princess of Pittsburgh, PA, Beth Ostrosky.]

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    Private Parts Howard predicted that his movie would gross at least $150 million. [See Wayne’s World, below.]

    Q

    Quivers, Robin Howard’s nickname for Robin is “Snatch.” [I have never heard of this before.]

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    R

    Roosevelt Junior-Senior High School The high school that Stern attended in 1968-1969. If you check Stern’s Roosevelt yearbook, you’ll see that about 33 percent of his classmates were white. [Stern has frequently claimed to have been the only white person in his school.]

    S

    Sennett, Hank Stern’s first boss – at the Boston University closed-circuit radio station. Sennett said that Howard stole records. (Howard admitted stealing only one record.)

    “Shades of Blue” Stern’s nickname at camp. (“I always wore sunglasses to make my nose look smaller.”) [Not to conceal the unsettling, rapidly darting eyes?]

    Shower cap Something that Howard wears a couple of times a week when he doesn’t shampoo his 1970s–looking hair.

    Simpson, O.J. The day before the Simpson verdict, Stern announced, “If O.J. is innocent, I’ll shave my head and pubic region.” He never shaved.

    Sir Mix a Lot The rapper told Stern his nose was so large from telling so many lies, and that “Jewish guys look like they’re still in the ‘60s.”

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    “Sperm,” Howard A name that Howard was called as a teenager, to his dismay. [F, Marry, Kill -- Howard’s nickname edition: Gunkard, Howard Sperm, Boopsy.]

    Stiller, Ben Howard complained, “He’s no director. He had it handed to him on a silver platter.” [Howard and Beth were Cousin Eddie and Catherine to the Stiller family's Griswolds at the premiere of the Ben Stiller-directed The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.]

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    W

    Wayne’s World Stern confidently predicted that Private Parts would easily generate a greater gross than Wayne’s World. [Private Parts played in about 350 more theaters that Wayne’s World did, and grossed $41,230,799 at the end of its domestic run. Unfortunately, that’s $80,466,524 less than what Wayne’s World made in the US. Wayne’s World made three times what Private Parts made domestically -- plus another $61,400,00 in foreign receipts.]

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    * * *

    This is an installment in my 2015 Fact-Finding Mission series.


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    Howard Stern's Sirius Promises: 10 Years Later
    Private Parts the Book: 20+ Years Later
    Miss America the Book: 20 Years Later
    Unauthorized Howard Stern Biography
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2015
  3. rabbigottfried

    rabbigottfried Well-Known Member

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    can you me a favor and add this as a post on that sticky thread . I don't think we should lose this gem either.
     
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  4. DiamondGoddess

    DiamondGoddess Born Ready for My Close-Up! Gold

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    Damn, another "Post o the Year" candidate, and it's only friggin' February!!!
    (LOLs.)
    Great post, thanks!!!
     
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  5. Blur

    Blur Alumnus

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    Fucking amazing stuff!
     
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  6. TheMercenary

    TheMercenary Collecting Light Gold

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    Another epic thread :golfclap:

    The sticky thread should just be renamed: "The Continuing Genius Of Benjamen, Artist"
     
  7. Pooh bear

    Pooh bear Well-Known Member VIP

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    Where's part 2? :pissed:
     
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  8. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    Post #2?
     
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  9. Pooh bear

    Pooh bear Well-Known Member VIP

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    Yes :p
    Edit: you said you had to break it into 2 parts, no?
     
  10. SomerSky

    SomerSky Obsessed with what I hate Banned User

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    Genius. Benjamin deserves a Forum, like a Howard 101 class...
     
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  11. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    Posts 1 (A through M) and 2 (N through W) are the two parts. (The site has a 10,000-character-per-post limit.) I left out certain glossary letters because they weren't especially noteworthy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
  12. Nibbler

    Nibbler heaven is in your mind Gold

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    It's around. :coffee:
     
  13. Caffeinated

    Caffeinated Well-Known Member

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    Yep. @Benjamen, in the words of the great Pat Cooper, you are a genius of yourself.
     
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  14. Pooh bear

    Pooh bear Well-Known Member VIP

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    Sorry!
    I wanted it to go to Z!!!
    :bigcry:
     
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  15. OV

    OV Rapscallion

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  16. Doc

    Doc Active Member

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    Bravo. Very well done.
     
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  17. Rockside7

    Rockside7 VIP Extreme Gold

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  18. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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  19. boognishstern

    boognishstern Well-Known Member

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    i own that book! anyone wanna buy it?
     
  20. Dump Button

    Dump Button Former Mall Security Guard

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    2015 Stern Fact Finding Mission "The Show about Dishonesty" :cheer:
     
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