DAXX, you mother prick

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Oderus, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    These people are legends. Every single one of these men and women you've heard about for years.


    In the 1950s a leading vacuum cleaner tried a little design improvement. It added a spinning propeller, a razor-sharp blade mounted a few inches inside the end of the vacuum hose. Inrushing air would spin the blade, and the blade would chop up any lint or string or pet hair that might clog the hose.


    At least that was the plan.


    What happened is a lot of these men raced to the hospital emergency room with their dicks mangled.

    At least that's the myth.


    That old urban legend about the surprise party for the pretty housewife, how all her friends and family hid in one room, and when they burst out and yelled "Happy birthday" they found her stretched out on the sofa with the family dog licking peanut butter from between her legs . .
    .

    Well, she's real.


    The legendary woman who gives head to guys who are driving, only the guy loses control of his car and hits the brakes so hard the woman bites him in half, I know them.


    Those men and women, they're all here.


    These people are the reason every emergency room has a diamond-tipped drill. For tapping a hole through the thick bottoms of champagne and soda bottles. To relieve the suction.


    These are the people who come waddling in from the night, saying they tripped and fell on the zucchini, the lightbulb, the Barbie doll, the billiard balls, the struggling gerbil.


    See also: The pool cue.
    See also: The teddy bear hamster.


    They slipped in the shower and fell, bull's-eye, on a greased shampoo bottle. They're always being attacked by a person or persons unknown and assaulted with candles, with baseballs, with hard-boiled eggs, flashlights, and screwdrivers that now need removing. Here are the guys who get stuck in the water inlet port of their whirlpool hot tub.


    Among the folks in Room 234 is the bogus county health official who calls to quiz fourteen-year-old girls about the appearance of their vagina.


    Here's the cheerleader who gets her stomach pumped and they find a pound of sperm. Her name is LouAnn.


    The guy in the movie theater with his dick stuck through the bottom of a box of popcorn, you can call him Steve, and tonight his sorry ass is sitting around a paint-stained table, squeezed into a child's plastic Sunday school chair.


    All these people you think are a big joke. Go ahead and frigging laugh your frigging head off.


    These are sexual compulsives.
     
  2. blairg

    blairg loving Mari

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  3. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Long flowing dress, perfectly coiffed blonde locks, a smile that could launch a thousand ships — these are attributes commonly ascribed to a beauty queen not a warrior, but I have to inform you that Beth Stern is a fighter. She refuses to acknowledge the word “impossible.” Instead, she sees a challenge and runs toward it. What many would see as daunting or hopeless – such as the countless number of animals left homeless and in need by the recent tornado devastation in the Southeastern US – led Beth to spring into action. “There were hundreds of pets that had been lost, abandoned, and displaced. So many families that were homeless could no longer take care of their pets,” Beth tells me over lunch. “It was heart-wrenching. Kill shelters were suddenly flooded with animals, so our team at North Shore Animal League America sent emergency rescue vehicles to take hundreds of these pets out of the municipal shelters in Alabama.” You might think that after helping spearhead such a large rescue, Beth would kick off her Louboutins and get a little rest, but not so. She immediately made an appearance on Good Morning America to get the word out. “It’s not enough to rescue the pets; it’s also important to get them adopted,” she tells me. The passion in her voice is infectious. In fact, it was her love of animals that initially made me aware of the horror of puppy mills, the largest suppliers of pet store animals. Beth makes every effort she can to bring awareness to shelters and dispel common misconceptions about the adoption process. For example, there are animals of all ages that can be rescued. It’s important for the world to know that sweet, cute little puppies and purebreds can be found at a shelter, not just pet stores. The sooner people stop buying animals at pet stores, the sooner we can eradicate the misery induced by puppy mills.
    Beth is doing all she can for her cause, and she is doing it in style. Recently, Beth launched a high-end jewelry line called Beth O For Bling Bone. Her designs are unassuming and delicate – making the pieces perfect for daytime wear as well as a nighttime galas. The jewelry is sold on the East End at Jennifer Miller as well as London Jewelers, and, in true Beth Stern spirit, 100 percent of the proceeds will be donated to the North Shore Animal League America. Of course, there are accessories not just for you but also for your four-legged partner in crime. And the question on my mind at this point is: How does Beth’s two-legged partner in crime feel about her animal crusade? “Howard is the most supportive person in my life. There is nothing I do that he doesn’t get behind 100 percent. Sometimes, I will show up at the show and he’ll help me with adoptions. During an interview with Kim Cattrall, I recently showed up with a dog that needed a home. By the end of the interview the dog was adopted.” A lot of the couple’s time is spent in the Hamptons communing with nature. They like to bike around town – Howard in a high-speed racer bike and Beth in her vintage, old-fashioned two-wheeler. Other days, they stroll along the beach and, incidentally, have rescued several animals. Upon hearing of their daily routine, the images that come to mind are more akin to Disney characters than the shock jock and buxom beauty that are often discussed and over-analyzed in the media. When I confess to Beth that her Howard sounds more like a fairy tale Prince Charming than the Bad Boy of All Media, she blushes. “Oh he’s got a naughty side,” she says. “That’s for sure.” Recently, Howard took up a new hobby, photography. “He takes pictures of me all the time. Snap, snap, snap. I’ll be in the bathtub and there he is with the camera and suddenly the pictures are up on Twitter.” She giggles like a schoolgirl gushing about a new crush, and I have to say it is really endearing to see someone so in love. “Oh, we have a new policy,” she confesses. “He can take all the pictures he likes, but I have to be able to approve the ones that he tweets out.”
    It’s amazing these two can find time to spend together when they seem to be the busiest people in show business. Besides Howard’s well-known, time-consuming schedule, Beth has several new projects of her own. Beth will be starring in a television show for HGTV about designing “mom caves,” well-deserved mommy sanctuaries for busy women across America. “I’m really excited about filming,” Beth says, “The goal is to create a beautiful space where busy mothers can have time for themselves.” By this point, I’ve noticed that all of Beth’s projects are centered around positivity. “I definitely want to make people happy,” Beth says. “I find it rewarding.” And if that upcoming show weren’t rewarding enough, Beth will also be hosting Gossip Cop, a show dedicated to revealing the truth behind the celebrity rumor mill. Of course, her busy schedule doesn’t stop there. East Enders will have a chance to catch up with this girl-on-the-move over a good sweat when Beth visits Exhale Spa Bridgehampton to lead a core fusion class – it probably won’t surprise you to hear that all proceeds will go to the Wildlife Rescue Center of the Hamptons.
    Considering everything that Beth has achieved is exhausting – I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to live it. But I can say this: The world is a better place for having Beth Stern in it. There are few people who recognize the responsibility that comes with being in a position of influence. She helps those who are powerless and she sets an example for everyone who has the good fortune to come in contact with her. We can all learn a valuable lesson about the importance of giving back and how to lead a rewarding life.
     
  4. gwartney

    gwartney Unafilliated Gold

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    Jesus, Oderus. I haven't done all that stuff! Gimme a break!!
     
  5. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    didnt read faggot
     
  6. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    now that I read
     
  8. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    stop it, youse guys
     
  9. JJR

    JJR New Member

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    Choke?
     
  10. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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  11. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    Good call, sir.
     
  12. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    Get outta here, you goddamn jackass.
     
  13. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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  14. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    I just neg repped Schmoopy and I feel so liberated