Greatest complaint letter ever!

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Vashier, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. Vashier

    Vashier VIP Extreme Gold

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    http://www.stunnish.com/guy-writes-greatest-complaint-letter-to-airline/
    [​IMG]
    Dear Jetstar,
    Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.
    As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.
    Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.
    Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe“. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.
    I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only†rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.
    Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn’t that exactly the same as having someone who can’t control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that’s why I’m demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.
    I’m also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I’m yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don’t recover completely, I’ll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.
    To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: [Redacted], or tweet me at: @RichWisken
    No regards,
    Rich Wisken.
     
  2. boomer1976

    boomer1976 Well-Known Member VIP

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    As a guy who is 6'5" and not small by any standard, I hate planes. And this is one of the reasons why. Good letter though.
     
  3. Joe Bauers

    Joe Bauers Well-Known Member

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  4. sstressed

    sstressed enhancement toker VIP

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    too funny.

    I didn't realize French whores stank.
    good to know.
     
  5. FlaFlaFlunkie

    FlaFlaFlunkie Fabulous!

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    I can't believe he accepted Chatty#1, Chatty#2 and Giggly's response. I would've gone apeshit on them and got thrown off the plane. Better that than to endure that for however many hours the flight was.

    I'm not trying to be mean to morbidly obese people, but if you're that big, you should be require to purchase an extra seat.
     
  6. FSFN

    FSFN Well-Known Member

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    This.
     
  7. sstressed

    sstressed enhancement toker VIP

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    fat fucks and smokers; the only people you can discriminate against and not have the left shit all over you.

    :yay:
     
  8. meanredhed

    meanredhed Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I would have done the same. I thought someone that size would have to purchase the seat beside them. They should be made to. Then they get a second meal as well (although their carry on probably contains at least one ham and a chicken)
     
  9. Nibbler

    Nibbler heaven is in your mind Gold

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    The fat guy could have a thyroid condition for all that whining windbag knows.
     
  10. HowieStearn

    HowieStearn HateClub

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    because I'm 6'5, 230 I used to request the emergency exit row because it has more leg room. Then I realized all the other big people were doing the same thing, and got sandwiched by 2 whales on a 4-hour flight. Now I go business class or not at all. Coach is best for little people.
     
  11. illini fan

    illini fan New Member VIP

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    worse excuse in the book...every fat person I've met who blames there "fatness" on a thyroid condition is all bullshit...they have medicine for that...in reality, they just eat too much and are fucking lazy....
     
  12. Nibbler

    Nibbler heaven is in your mind Gold

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    I was just being dopey.
     
  13. Lester

    Lester Well-Known Member

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    I agree the obese should have to by two seats. If you look at the picture the guy is blocking half the aisle. What if there were an emergency?
     
  14. Vashier

    Vashier VIP Extreme Gold

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    Go easy on her bro, she may have sustained a brain injury on her 1st bj attempt by the sounds of it :c
     
  15. Lester

    Lester Well-Known Member

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    I think you can blame 25 pound weight gain on thyroid not 250 pounds. I highly doubt the guy in the picture is on the paleo diet.
     
  16. Nibbler

    Nibbler heaven is in your mind Gold

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    :rofl:
    I think you may be right.
     
  17. illini fan

    illini fan New Member VIP

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    Why Nib would continue a BJ when the person is fucking her mouth like its a vag I'll never figure out.......she's a sport...but not hot at all...
     
  18. TallTyrion

    TallTyrion Triggered like a mofo VIP

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    I'm 6'7" 270 I only sit in exit rows and/or bulkhead. Some airlines charge more for those spots and I pay it every time.
    Flying sucks for large people.
     
  19. Nibbler

    Nibbler heaven is in your mind Gold

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    I didn't do that, then. I was still a virgin.
     
  20. TehLivingDeath

    TehLivingDeath New Member Banned User

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    :eek: