a fucking lunatic. http://hanzi83.tumblr.com/ Nothing else left Its always the same rant right? I come on here after spending hours on twitter with everything thought that comes up in my rotund fat skull and I expect it to get better knowing that it wonâ€™t because I feel like I have to repeat myself and say disrespectful things because I am severely hurt. I donâ€™t want your sympathy. I donâ€™t need anyone reaching out to me. It makes no difference. See I am a naive fucking person. Its been my fucking fault since I have been born. Its gotten me in trouble more times than I would like to think but the truth is that I will never be the same from being naive and never learning my lesson repeatedly. You see I made the mistake of wanting to be known because I thought being known would be one fuck you to everyone who has ever fucked with me and made me feel like shit. See at one time I was the shit on surface where everyone wanted something to do with me and latch on to me. I knew something was afoot when I noticed the same text book answers. If I knew the rules I wouldâ€™ve played this game differently. Now I donâ€™t want to play. I donâ€™t have the energy. Because i figured out how this world really runs, how you are discovered no matter what field you want to be in. If you are special and are meant to be successful it would happen. Itâ€™s not just hard work. Thats what they misconstrue to you. If people succeeded solely on hardwork we would see a lot of rich sweat shop workers. Ooops did I make a valid point? One that is contrary to the system. See I am supposed to be crazy on the surface. That was supposed to be my appeal but when it got real for the great Howard Stern, a man who I still regard with tremendous respect because hes an example of someone who was a puppet to the system and got out and did it his way even if he had to say and do things he didnâ€™t like but at the same time what makes me stick out like a sore thumb for him is that I have good reason to have some hatred towards him. Despite what he says on the air, despite how he downplays like I am just a regular caller, whether he has his trolls putting me down, whether its meant to get even with what I say or whether its to encourage me to stand up . Either way people fear me because mentally they know I know everything about them and I did it not with a gang of writers, not with a million spies over the world to feed him information. I dont have a staff saying yes to every command. And I can still stand up to him because I see he controls all of this. Well aware of what I say he ignores because he thinks that will drive me crazy and it does anger me but I say the things I do because I know it gets at him. I am the only one who will say the things I say on the surface. I would say it to him. Now that I am saying this he will ignore it and punish me someway indirectly through other people doing the dirty work. You see I spent years trying to contribute and I accepted the bitch role of just being someone they can poke fun of because I had to pay my dues and I expected being loyal would lead to something, and it did just behind my fucking back. 4 YEARS he inserts himself into my life with out me knowing. Knowing I am special and knowing that I am the shit they downplay me like nothing because I didnâ€™t take an oath, I didnt kiss the fucking brass ring that he fucking has and continue to dumb myself down. I believed and defended him non stop and people in my life were given more rewards for my efforts than me. Now I can say all this because I donâ€™t have anything else to live for. I sacrificed friendships and relationships because I wanted to concentrate on this. I thought they had my back but clearly they didnâ€™t even if they did they make sure to make it seem like they donâ€™t care about me. All these opportunities should be mind, sitting in, going out to do interviews, being in tv shows etc because I know I am a fucking star. Yeah the guy who lives in his parents basement is the star. Ask Stern about the vested interest, ask him about the fucking pimping me out to public. No no no.. I have no proof.. its all in my head.. I am making all this up. The world is run the way they tell you. I am just a regular caller. I am severely hurt. Now I have nothing. I dont want anything but just to leave. I feel like I have wasted 6 years of my life to make others happy. I didnt even sell my fucking soul but I felt the consequences because I didnâ€™t live up to the potential. Trust me they expected something, the guy knew I was a star from the get go., thats why he wanted me to be an intern from 08. But I figured out what happened and how this has worked out and now I am nothing. Now I wonder how many others have felt this unfairly and under the shows propaganda they are the ones who are fucked in the heads, they need the help. Howard is the biggest bully and when you confront him he doesnâ€™t like it because you arenâ€™t going to feed his ego anymore. I believed he would respect my loyalty but no its funnier to him to be upset so I can be more entertaining and when I give him that realness its too much. Hes a godfather.. hes the man.. he has more power. If you think I can just go another route in the entertainment industry and not have to deal with him it is impossible. He is a decision maker in this world, he has say in who makes it. Hes on the good side but he has this Vince McMahon type of personality where he has to berate people who are loyal to him and act like they do nothing. I will be cut off for this. I dont care. I am done with life. I have nothing else. I have nothing left. My friends, family everything. Nothing on surface is genuine. And any other show I listen to because I am the jerk from the stern show they will think they can take jabs at me. I am nothing with out the show its true. I owe everything to Howard for discovering me even if he made me seem like I was nothing. When I was on stage,people were fucking cheering me like I WAS THE SHIT.. BUT ITS IGNORED.. Howard has met his match mentally and I donâ€™t think he likes it one bit, maybe he does, maybe hes been waiting for this to see someone who is genuine and real and willing to say shit to authority. Whether people like it or hate it I am he fucking guy. Thats why there has been so much fucking secrecy behind my back. I am sick of having low self esteem so I will hype myself up to let people know I am more than what you people say I am. The day where I realized it, has become the scariest feeling to everyone I know that there was alot of shit behind my fucking back. I will pay for this blog. It will get me fucked over more. But when you fuck with me and make me feel like I am the one who is fucking crazy when people in position of power are the ones who are fucked in the head more than me. You know I am the future but I dont want to be because I just want to drop dead. I want it to happn now. I dare the powers to be to put me out of my fucking misery. No no no.. play dumb.. enjoy your industry life you elitist fuck. I would say this to you but its hard to get through.. you know how it is right? If this isnt my obsession then I might as well be dead. You fucking read this 8 million times because I know there already people informing him what I was saying. He knows. Hes well aware of anything and everything I say. Word of advice to anyone who wants to become known in and succeed, you will always be watched you are being scouted because they see how special you are but they will put you through obstacles so you have to suffer a little. This is the game. I am telling you this is how predetermined things are, people arent just randomly discovered. Believe it. Just fucking kill me. Howard you never lose, you always win. I am just another shit head who you have to teach a lesson and put in his place. I just hope you wish me cancer. Please??