Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Stew Nod, Oct 8, 2015.

  1. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Well-Known Member Banned User

    Reputations:
    6
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2012
    Messages:
    56,806
    Likes Received:
    42,856
    Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date


    [​IMG]


    Yonkers, NY—What was intended as a routine first date went horribly awry Tuesday night as local manBro Parker, 59, could do little more than stand by and watch himself ruin his chances with 48-year-old Vanessa Carmine.

    [​IMG]

    Parker told reporters that the date at a local restaurant began pleasantly and without incident. The two enjoyed small talk right up until the salads arrived, at which point disaster struck, and an unsuspecting Parker discovered he was powerless to stop himself from droning on like an idiot about his recent car troubles.

    "It was awful," Parker said of the date, his first in more than eight months. "One minute we were getting to know each other, and the next I was sitting there in shock, hearing myself ramble for what seemed like hours about how I'd been meaning for months to get my oil changed, but I kept putting it off, and then when I finally took it in the guy at the auto shop charged me more than the estimate, and how you have to be careful because mechanics are always trying to rip you off, and isn't it a shame that people can't just be honest."

    "God, the look on Vanessa's face," added Parker, shaking his head. "I'll never forget it."



    As soon as he realized what was happening, Parker sprung into action, attempting to rescue the evening with amusing childhood anecdotes, but only exacerbating the situation by discussing his parents' divorce and his former bed-wetting problem. After knocking over a glass of wine as he asked Carmine where she was from, Parker realized saving the night from total disaster might be beyond his power.


    Summoning his strength for one last heroic effort, Parker said he began talking about his dog, found himself unable to discuss anything beyond how the pet had been his only comfort during a break-up last year, and then proceeded to spend five minutes explaining how he was "totally over" his ex-girlfriend now.

    "There was this loud, disturbing noise, and I realized it was my own voice," Parker said. "I remember looking around the room thinking, 'For God's sake, somebody do something!' Then I just sort of went numb for a few minutes there as I watched myself talk about my laundry schedule."

    "At one point, Vanessa got up to use the restroom, and I thought that maybe she wasn't coming back," Parker continued. "That it would finally all be over."

    When the unthinkable happened and Carmine returned, Parker gave up all hope and began sweating through his dress shirt while talking about his love of death metal.

    "The entire date was a massacre," Parker said. "The waiter couldn't even make eye contact with me. He knew what was happening. He should have thought to bring the check instead of the dessert menu. Or at the very least, he should have kept me from prolonging the agony by ordering the apple dumpling and offering to split it."

    "I wish I could forget everything I witnessed here tonight," Parker added. "But it's burned in my memory forever."

    At press time, Parker was walking Carmine to her car, insisting it was no problem despite Carmine's protestations that it was not necessary.


     
    MrPPV, FatKidSullivan and XuXu like this.
  2. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP Gold

    Reputations:
    82,150
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Messages:
    198,753
    Likes Received:
    84,507
    tl;dr
     
    DarkFriday likes this.
  3. Sea Slob

    Sea Slob Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    25,110
    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2012
    Messages:
    25,082
    Likes Received:
    17,289
    No way Bro is only 59
     
    DarkFriday and Lou Loomis like this.
  4. Kanye West

    Kanye West Yeezus!

    Reputations:
    18
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2011
    Messages:
    120,890
    Likes Received:
    24,048
    [​IMG]
     
    DarkFriday likes this.
  5. Shivvy

    Shivvy Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    89,379
    Joined:
    May 23, 2011
    Messages:
    135,684
    Likes Received:
    61,837

    i just learnt what that mean yesterday :facepalm:
     
    Ridic likes this.
  6. zhukov

    zhukov Time Traveler VIP

    Reputations:
    21,182
    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2011
    Messages:
    33,386
    Likes Received:
    14,972
    @Bro Parker :jj:

    who knew Bro was cheating on his wife? :umunch:
     
  7. Dirty South

    Dirty South Large Member

    Reputations:
    9
    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2012
    Messages:
    24,627
    Likes Received:
    25,058
    If Bro could go back in time and sabotage his first date with that battleaxe he's married to, he'd be firing up the DeLorean as we type...
     
    DiamondGoddess, Anfkid and Ridic like this.
  8. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Well-Known Member Banned User

    Reputations:
    6
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2012
    Messages:
    56,806
    Likes Received:
    42,856

    LOL, wut?
     
    XuXu likes this.
  9. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Well-Known Member Banned User

    Reputations:
    6
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2012
    Messages:
    56,806
    Likes Received:
    42,856
    Battleaxe? :jj:
     
    Dirty South likes this.
  10. Lou Loomis

    Lou Loomis Feel the Gern

    Reputations:
    3
    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2012
    Messages:
    17,244
    Likes Received:
    9,717

    [​IMG]
     
    Stew Nod likes this.
  11. Ridic

    Ridic Too ridic to quit Banned User

    Reputations:
    0
    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2014
    Messages:
    10,646
    Likes Received:
    6,962
    :lol:
     
    Dirty South likes this.
  12. zhukov

    zhukov Time Traveler VIP

    Reputations:
    21,182
    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2011
    Messages:
    33,386
    Likes Received:
    14,972
    and that's being kind
     
    Dirty South likes this.
  13. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Well-Known Member Banned User

    Reputations:
    6
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2012
    Messages:
    56,806
    Likes Received:
    42,856

    :eek:
     
  14. RH Goatcabin

    RH Goatcabin Unknown Member VIP

    Reputations:
    35,948
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2010
    Messages:
    96,145
    Likes Received:
    31,693
    The Onion is the best...
     
    Stew Nod likes this.
  15. Orgy Pants

    Orgy Pants teklife

    Reputations:
    0
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2012
    Messages:
    20,753
    Likes Received:
    36,662
    where's bros new hip hop look?
     
    Stew Nod likes this.
  16. Chief

    Chief I'm all sixes & sevens & nines Staff Member

    Reputations:
    18,169
    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2010
    Messages:
    46,870
    Likes Received:
    19,838
    On the cover of Tiger Beat.
     
    Orgy Pants likes this.
  17. P-B

    P-B Honourary Canuck Gold

    Reputations:
    2,724
    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2011
    Messages:
    83,361
    Likes Received:
    29,478
  18. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Well-Known Member Banned User

    Reputations:
    6
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2012
    Messages:
    56,806
    Likes Received:
    42,856
    Is that Bro?
     
  19. P-B

    P-B Honourary Canuck Gold

    Reputations:
    2,724
    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2011
    Messages:
    83,361
    Likes Received:
    29,478
    Word, my nigga

    as he would say.
     
    Stew Nod likes this.
  20. Anfkid

    Anfkid Blue Banner Mafia Staff Member

    Reputations:
    83,147
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2012
    Messages:
    71,604
    Likes Received:
    75,896
    Poor Bud