WTF How far along are you? Being gay in just 10 simple steps

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by MilkyDischarge, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. MilkyDischarge

    MilkyDischarge The "Fuckin' cockroach infestation!"

    Sep 16, 2013
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    How to be gay in 10 easy steps

    In his new book, How to Be Gay, professor David M Halperin says: "Gayness is not a state or condition. It's a mode of perception, an attitude, an ethos: in short, it is a practice." As the New York Times review of his book points out, the thing that really brings gay people together is their culture.

    So in this age of mainstreaming, where gay men come out of the closet not to attend dinner parties of catty queens like themselves and the cast of Boys in the Band but to a room of welcoming members of society both straight and gay, how can we form a culture of our own? If there are a million ways to be gay, can we settle on a few key experiences every gay man should experience to draw them together?

    Here are my suggestions:

    1. Have a diva
    Everyone needs a Kylie, even if you think Time Bomb is kind of a crappy song. Having a strong female icon is somehow central to the gay identity (for more on that, pick up Halperin's book) and harkens back to the darkest days of gay identity when these troubled broads were the closest thing you could find to a representation of gay life. The diva of choice doesn't need to be one of the familiar one-named ladies of song (Madonna, Cher, Judy, Liza, Barbra, Mariah, Gaga, and both Bettes), it can be anyone from Joni Mitchell to Courtney Love, Diana Vreeland to Patsy Stone, Hilary Clinton to Michelle Obama. Just pick one, and never ever ever ever leave her.

    2. Dress in drag
    Even if it's just once for Halloween, go out in the world wearing the clothing of the opposite gender. It will it unleash a personality you didn't even know you had in you and it will make you OK with femininity. So many gay men are afraid of even the slightest bit of swish being detected. "No fems," has been branded into all of our mentality. But one night when the femme is in total control will never make you fear it again. And it will put you in touch with the brave bottle throwers who started the Stonewall Riots back in the day.

    3. Cruise
    Everyone used to know to glance over your shoulder after three steps if you were interested in that sexy stranger on the sidewalk. There was a complex network of looks and signals that men used to use to attract each other, something that made gay men much more attuned to body language and perceptive than our straight counterparts. Learn how to do that. Not only will it improve your gay experience, but the way you interact with everyone. Street cruising is mostly dead – no, it can't be done on Grindr – but a trip to a bath house will teach you all you ever need to know.

    4. Know about poppers
    If only so people will get your jokes about Rush and Jungle Juice, know what poppers are. You don't have to use them, but it's one secret we've kept from most of the gay community for decades so we have to keep it going. It's our version of Colonel Sanders' secret recipe.

    5. Protest
    Get out there with a picket sign and some anger and fight for your rights. Even before Stonewall we have a long history of fighting the man, and that should never die. You can collect signatures for marriage equality or you can join an Occupy protest and fight income inequality, but never stop fighting. And if PDA (public displays of agitation) aren't your thing, there are plenty of causes that need fundraising, which can easily be done over brunch (a gay art that somehow is not on this list).

    6. Go to Pride
    Standing out in the hot June sun can sure be a drag (all puns intended) but everyone should experience the depth and breadth of the community at this event at least once. See the people outside of your social circle, the tourists from a far, and those people who wouldn't mix with in a million gay years. And where else are you going to see Dykes on Bikes anyway?

    7. Develop a gaydar
    This sense of being able to find other homosexuals in the given area isn't inborn like a sense of direction or ESP. No, it must be acquired through years of hard work and figuring out just which clues are going to give guys away. (Even then it's still not infallible whenever European tourists are around.) But it's essential. Not only will it help you determine when you're in a safe space with others of your kind, it will also direct you to which clerk to flirt with for a discount and which flight attendant to wink at for a free tiny bottle of vodka.

    8. Appreciate camp
    It's everything from Showgirls and Mommie Dearest to John Waters and your aunt Nancy who loves to show up at family events with lipstick on her teeth and do her Charo impersonation. Yes, before "hipsters" ironically co-opted things that were awful, gay men invented camp and it has pervaded our aesthetic. In some respects it's about loving an outsider and wanting to embrace it even while disparaging the things that make it amazing. Much like the supreme court's definition of pornography, it's hard to define camp but we all know it when we see it. And if you don't know it, then you're just another sincere mark for all the camp connoisseurs out there.

    9. Visit the Aids quilt
    Aids nearly wiped out a generation of gay men. Many gay men coming of age now know this intellectually, but they have no clue about the emotional cost of losing all of their friends slowly but surely to a disease or being forced to live with the diagnosis as a death sentence. While the quilt is now a shrine to everyone who has died of the disease, and not just gay men, it is the closest thing we have to a museum and the best way to document all the lives that have past. We owe it to them not to be forgotten.

    10. Come out
    In our age of Gay Straight Alliances in schools and celebrities who live in a perpetual glass closet without ever making a final announcement, coming out seems it's going out of style. "Why should gay people have to come when straight people don't?" While in some distant gaytopia that might come to pass but until then it's probably the only unifying experience every gay person has.

    We all have a coming out story, whether it was when your mom says she knew already, your father stopped talking to you, or your boss just didn't care and told you to go back to your desk. No matter what else you may or may not have in common with another gay person, you can always fall back on this. It's like talking about the weather, but far more interesting, and often with more tears.
  2. Gitfiddle

    Gitfiddle Live Deliciously

    Jul 14, 2012
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Jul 25, 2012
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    These are all horrible ideas, aside form coming out, made by generic fags. These are parading clowns... gay is just gay and most gays act normal like everyone else.
    IfTheyOnlyKnew likes this.
  4. hoochieking

    hoochieking Well-Known Member 2010 OG

    Sep 18, 2010
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    Stop making threads dummy you suck.
    Leykis101 likes this.
  5. lovetalkradio

    lovetalkradio Well-Known Member Banned User

    Feb 1, 2014
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    He's not. He's just trying to "soften the blow."
  6. DinnerSocks

    DinnerSocks Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2014
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    11. Paint a picture of a flower in watercolors.
    Willowglen likes this.
  7. DaTenses

    DaTenses Well-Known Member

    Dec 20, 2015
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  8. Bennymuso_il'Duce

    Bennymuso_il'Duce From Limeyville Gold

    Mar 3, 2015
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    12. Suck a dick.
  9. Tipsey Russell

    Tipsey Russell VIP Extreme Gold

    Nov 26, 2013
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    I feel gays should be allowed to marry and afforded all the same rights as straights and shit like that
    but I don't really want to be gay
    I don't wanna suck a cock

    sure I may have tried to do it to myself but that doesn't count
  10. Turtle Man

    Turtle Man Hello Darling

    Dec 18, 2011
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    Article hit a nerve?
  11. Pelicanman

    Pelicanman Engorged Member Gold

    Mar 4, 2015
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    I always thought it was just two simple steps:
    1) Bend over;
    2) Receive cock in anus.

    This guy is overthinking it.
    Biff DiBiase likes this.
  12. Dream Theater

    Dream Theater DAWGS E-BULLY Squad 2010 OG Gold

    Sep 17, 2010
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    11. Pretend to be a fake vampire on a message board and keep that Schtick up for years. @MrDracula