Howard Stern's Sirius Promises: 10 Years Later

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Jan 29, 2015.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    In honor of the final year of Howard's second contract with Sirius, I've revisited the high-profile promises he made to get his millions of loyal listeners to buy all-new audio equipment and cough up $12 a month to follow him to satellite radio. I re-read every interview he did between the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006, and re-watched his Ed Bradley profile on 60 Minutes, and his spots on Letterman and Bill O'Reilly. (A must-watch. "Look at your hair. Every curl is manufactured.")

    Here's what he promised at the time, and the reality in 2015. All quotes are Howard's ...

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    THE INFAMOUS BLACK SPIRAL NOTEBOOK FILLED WITH IDEAS


    (With never-before seen photos – a Dawg Shed exclusive!)


    “Wait! Wait! Let me show you the black book. This is where the ideas go. I can't tell you everything we're gonna do, but …”

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    He propels himself across the room, heads to his desk, and returns with a black spiral notebook and a folder containing his plans for satellite radio. He spreads them on the coffee table and suddenly pitches his big birdish body onto the floor, landing on one knee, as if he wants to physically get into the material. -- New York Magazine

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    HOWARD 100 NEWS

    The promise: “There are 17 newspeople — hardcore newspeople. I gave them complete autonomy. I said, 'If you hear I'm doing something wrong, you investigate me.' I have no say over it. I won't become the FCC. I'm not going to censor my own news department; that would ruin the concept.”

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    The reality: Howard began firing reporters just five months into his first year at Sirius. Erica Phillips, Mike Piazza, Phil Iazzetta and Michelle Jerson were among the first to go. ("Budget cuts," he said at the time.) In January 2007, he fired Penny Crone and George Flowers. The department's autonomy ended in February 2007, when Lisa G did a story on the cost of Beth’s engagement ring (reportedly $250,000). On March 16, 2015, Howard acknowledged that the news department had again downsized, and that Lisa G was no longer part of it. In June 2015, remaining reporters Jon Lieberman and Shuli Egar began identifying themselves as "Howard Stern Show Correspondents." Three months later, Jon Lieberman tweeted that he had accepted a job elsewhere. Howard 100 News is no longer mentioned.


    TISSUE TIME WITH HEIDI CORTEZ

    The promise:Tissue Time is for every guy who can't get to sleep. Heidi is not only hot, but she's incredibly great at phone sex. Lucky guys are going to have phone sex with her. Heidi's gonna set us all up to go to sleep. Guys, get your tissues out. And we all beat off together. Imagine, all Howard fans beating off as one! A true family...”

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    The reality:
    Tissue Time originally started as a full hour show while Stern was on terrestrial radio, with the 24-year-old Playboy model taking calls and reading sexy stories. When the channels officially launched it was moved to a 5-minute story show at midnight and 4 in the morning. By August 2006, it was off the air.


    LESBIAN DATING GAME

    The promise: “We're gonna have The Lesbian Dating Game, with a real host. Real lesbians. Play the game and guess what? We don't leave you for the date. The date goes on right in the studio afterward. We hear it all. If they like each other, we’ll have the date right there and the sex right there, and it’ll be done beautifully.”

    The reality: Never happened.


    SUPERFAN ROUNDTABLE


    The promise: Listening to his superfans talk about the universe that is Howard Stern charges him up. "That connection between me and the audience gets a little too important," Howard says.

    The reality: That connection between Howard and the audience got much less important as the audience became more critical. Three years after persuading the host of the Superfan Roundtable to take down his website because of its largely unflattering content, Howard killed off the show in 2013.

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    I WANT TO FUCK A PORN STAR

    The promise: “It’s going to be difficult. If you can answer the questions, you will get to fuck a porn star. So many guys from my audience would love that opportunity.”

    The reality: Never happened.


    THE CRACK-WHORE VIEW

    The promise: “We’re going to round up four crack whores, and every night, we’re going to take the exact topics that The View talked about. I can’t stand those women on The View, but to hear ‘The Crack-Whore View’ girls talk about those same topics? It will be ten times better.”

    The reality: Originally aired while Howard was on terrestrial radio, but was soon killed. Howard said they would need to find better crack-whores with more wacky views if they were to ever bring it back. (They didn’t.)


    MEET THE PRESS, WITH SCORES GIRLS

    The promise: “One of the things that I love are these Scores girls who get drunk about four o’clock in the morning, wasted. We want to have a round table, ‘The Drunken Scores Girls Show.’ I want to throw them topics of the day and just hear them.”

    [​IMG]

    The reality: It was as bad as the idea sounded. Killed after one show.



    MEET THE SHRINK


    The promise: “Every night you will hear a live psychiatric session with a very famous celebrity. It’s going to be a real shrink, real psychotherapy. Also, the shrink is going to analyze some of my Wack Pack guys."

    The reality: Howard’s “very famous celebrity” was porn star Tabitha Stevens. After only a few shows, original host Dr. Ellen McGrath was replaced by Dr. Leslie Armstrong, who died on May 22, 2007.


    CONFESSIONS FROM THE BUNNY RANCH

    The promise: “You’ve heard of Taxicab Confessions, but that’s bullshit. You’ll be right in the prostitute’s room. You’ll hear the negotiation. You’ll hear the screwing. You’ll hear the after-sex conversation. And that fascinates me. I want to be in that room.”

    The reality: This ripoff of Cathouse: The Series – which debuted on HBO six months before Stern began broadcasting on Sirius – never happened.


    HOWARD’S DAUGHTERS’ RADIO SHOW

    The promise: ”My two oldest daughters want to do a show. They'll come on and talk about what it's like to be my daughter. They've been on intermittently over the years. When they were really young, they interviewed the Olsen twins. But as adult women they haven't been on, and they've got a lot to say. To my fans, that's an important moment. And the Howard 100 news team will cover it."

    The reality: Nigga please.

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    FARTMAN: THE (RADIO) MOVIE


    The promise: “We want to have radio sitcoms, radio movies. Maybe Fartman: The Movie.”

    The reality: Never happened.


    MEET THE FUCKHEADS

    The promise: “One of the sitcoms we’re working on—very exciting—‘Meet the Fuckheads,’ An exciting sitcom starring married couple Jeff the Drunk and Wendy the Retard and their son Elephant Boy. Jeff, a hand-stamper at a local swimming pool, is spiraling downward and his retarded wife is fed up with him when suddenly life changes on a dime. He hits the winning lottery numbers. He moves into an exclusive neighborhood next door to Donald Trump.”

    The reality: Never happened.


    THE REALLY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES


    The promise: “We have ‘The Really Desperate Housewives.’ [Starring his staff’s significant others.] Each week, these wives desperately try to change their famous husbands into something they’re not: human.”

    The reality: Written by Sam Simon and renamed “The Bitter Half,” the show’s only episode aired in October 2006.


    YOU’RE TAKING FRIDAYS OFF?!


    The promise: "Some Fridays, yeah. … Guess what: I’ve taken two Fridays off.”



    The reality: Stern was lying on national television and was noticeably hostile about it.


    COMMERCIALS ARE A SHITTY VALUE


    The promise: “[All the stuff I just described] … And that's for twelve dollars a month. You're gonna tell me that's a shitty value? I'll tell you a shitty value: sitting through twenty-one minutes of commercials every hour.”

    The reality: Howard routinely breaks for commercials within the first 30 minutes of the show, using extra-long bumpers before and after the break. He has replaced most of his commentary during the news -- once a fan favorite -- with live commercial reads. Celebrity Superfan Roundtable cohost and Birthday Bash performer Natalie Maines recently tweeted: “40 minutes of commercial breaks before the 3rd hour makes me feel like a chump. It's not fun, it's not funny.”




    IN CONCLUSION

    The promise: “Know what? I will never disappoint my fans.”

    The reality: LOL

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    * * *

    This is an installment in my 2015 Fact-Finding Mission series.


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    Last edited: Apr 15, 2016
  2. Dump Button

    Dump Button Former Mall Security Guard

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    First
     
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  3. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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  4. Tinman

    Tinman Well-Known Member

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    Everyone please checkout @Benjamen video's about YODA the cat, written by Beth Stern and read by Robin Quivers...


    (credit to @Benjamen)


    (credit to @Benjamen)






    Hell of a job Ben.:bow:
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2015
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  5. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    Fuck Stern and his mare
     
  6. Hey Now

    Hey Now Active Member

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    Great post
     
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  7. Peau de Soie

    Peau de Soie Edit Button? Thanks LaserTilt!

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    You're a machine, Ben. Fine work.
     
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  8. Afganistand

    Afganistand Motivationally Deficient VIP

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    We'll done :wigtip:
     
  9. Dump Button

    Dump Button Former Mall Security Guard

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    Is that really his notebook?
     
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  10. Omen

    Omen Well-Known Member

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    I don't remember the daughter/radio show part
    Weird to think that he actually said that

    Good job
     
  11. Quite Frankly

    Quite Frankly Well-Known Member

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    His posts are like ma-cheen
    [​IMG]
     
  12. Uncle Larry

    Uncle Larry Well-Known Member VIP

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    Great work! Not only did Howard fail to deliver on having his daughters host a show on Sirius, he didn't even promote Emily's amazing album.

    Given the lack of any quality programming on Howard 100 and 101 today, it's a good thing he never tried to get that third channel started.
     
  13. SomerSky

    SomerSky Obsessed with what I hate Banned User

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    #FuckGunk
     
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  14. chapped

    chapped Well-Known Member

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    this is going to be the thread of the year ... great job !!!
     
  15. LaserT

    LaserT You have to have fun. Gold

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    The show changed for Beth's career. It wasn't celebrity friendly or Beth career friendly.
     
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  16. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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  17. LaserT

    LaserT You have to have fun. Gold

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    [​IMG]
     
  18. SomerSky

    SomerSky Obsessed with what I hate Banned User

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    @Benjamen you really have hit it out of the park! Great job in investigative journalism. Thanks for taking so much time to do these, I've never read any of his books, and your posts are an eye opener...
    Xoxo
    SS
     
  19. Dump Button

    Dump Button Former Mall Security Guard

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    I never heard the hair is manufactured line by O'Reilly :jj:

    that's a good vun Bill
     
  20. Divorce Chicken

    Divorce Chicken white punk on dope VIP

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    Agreed. Howie didn't want to "embarrass" Beth or all their new "friends".

    Was the Gary Roast the last straw?