Howard began today's show saying he's battling back pain again, which he claims in the book Miss America that he conquered in the early '90s thanks to Dr. Sarno. He has since gone on to say on record that back pain and homosexuality are identical, and that he knows Dr. Sarno can cure both. Here's a quick rundown, excerpted from Miss America. Back in the '90s, when Howard visited Dr. Sarno at the NYU Medical Center to get treatment for his debilitating back and shoulder pain, he was evaluated and told, "There's nothing wrong with your shoulder and there's nothing wrong with your back." It was all in his head, Sarno told him. Howard's prescription: read Sarno's very thin book about tricks the mind plays to distract you from psychological issues (including causing back pain), and attend two of his lectures. After attending his first lecture, Howard had a conversation with himself in his bedroom that night. He said to himself, "Your mind was distracting you -- keeping you from thinking about your career, your fears, your future." He writes, "As soon as these thoughts entered my head, in that split second, the OCD just went. It was gone. Flew right the fuck out the window to who the fuck knows where. ... I still couldn't tell [Alison] about the OCD, but I knew it was gone forever." (Remember, Howard diagnosed himself with OCD -- and conquered it -- to sell Miss America. He didn't address OCD in Private Parts. In Miss America, Howard said nobody in his personal life even knew he suffered from it for years -- not his coworkers, not his parents, not even his wife -- despite the fact that he notoriously whines nonstop about every little ailment. Nobody knew he had it -- until he announced he'd been cured of it.) Hearing Howard's story about a lecture curing OCD, Dr. Sarno responded, "Gee, I never heard of anyone saying they've been cured of OCD from this." Howard's back pain went away just as quickly. He writes: "On the way into work that morning, my back really began acting up. I had excruciating shooting pains running up and down my back. So I started laughing. I was laughing hysterically at the pain. And in one split second, it vanished. Totally. It was gone." Yes, Howard claims to have cured himself of back pain by laughing at it. After getting out of the car, Howard told Ronnie the Limo Driver that he'd just been cured of back pain: "It just went away like that?" Ronnie asked. "Sure, whatever you say ..." Howard writes that he never had back pain again from that day forward. But it doesn't end there. As I mentioned earlier, for some reason Howard concluded that Sarno can also cure homosexuality, which Howard believes is a distraction from psychological issues -- just like back pain. In an interview with New York Magazine promoting Miss America, Howard said, "Back pain and homosexuality are identical. No more, no less." The interviewer quipped, "I assume you're speaking from personal experience." Howard laughed and responded, "No, I'm not gay. But I'm telling you. I know this is the truth." So we know that Howard's back pain is brought on by deep psychological issues -- like homosexuality is, according to Howard. And we know how Howard cured himself of back pain 20 years ago: He laughed at it. So why is he on the air today trying to coax old man Sarno out of retirement? He just needs to laugh again!