I thought I would share

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by DrSublux, Jun 6, 2013.

  1. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    Also posted in RUN thread:

    God dammit it happened to me again. :facepalm:

    Decided to go out for a run last night after work. Came home drank some H2O and hit the bricks. For some reason my last few runs the front of my calves have been cramping or just feeling tight and cannot get them loose. But that wasnt the main problem, just a contributing factor with what was about to come. So I choose a route that is about 3.2 miles. At about the 1 mile mark I feel this impending doom in my bowel region, a gurgling cauldron of beef stew a brewing. As I am running, I feel the need to release said pressure with a well thought out gas release. And SUCCESS!!!! it worked, for about another 8/10s of amile. My next attempt at said release would not have been prudent at this juncture. Still about a mile from home out in some nice neighborhoods, I started to walk and clinch. Walking didnt help, it just made the idea of getting to a shitter that much slower and more painful. At this point I am laughing at myself a little for what might happen. So I am thinking about the Hess Gas station . I am at the top of a hill looking down at this now, and it seems to be so far away. I figure lets try and do a light slow jog down and it actually helped. Until I got to the bottom of the hill and what I felt was what I thought some serious anal labor pains. I wanted to push, but knew the head was crowning and I had no one to catch my baby. Well like all labor pains do they go away, but come back with more frequency and intensity. So i am familiar with this Hess since it is a half a block from my house. I make it to the door and nonchalantly walk to the bathroom and if someone was it there the door would have been ripped off the hinges, but thankfully it was open. I was waiting for the bathroom to be some shit stained mess, but it was okay except for the bowl was encrusted with poo spatter. So knowing this I tried to squat over the bowl since I didnt have time to put down TP on the seat. What came out of me was not human, but it was like my asshole threw up and it was non stop for a good 15 seconds. I even flushed mid poop. Knowing this was coming out of me at a rate of a Thoroughbred race horse coming down the backstrech at kentucky downs. I look oh so carefully at what I produced and damn if I didht shit on the back of the seat. Not a little, a lot. I dont remember eating corn? So picture me sweating from the run, squatting over the bowl and getting TP to swipe down the back of the seat. As i spun around the sun glasses on my head flew off and hit that part of the bowl, but thank god it didnt go for a sweem. So now I get some wet towels to finish the job on the seat and my ass.

    Felt great after that and sprinted home for some pork chops and applesauce.

    It was kind of hard to calculate the total run since I cut it short, but all in all I would say 2.5 miles and 10lbs lighter.

    Good Day and I know niggas aint gonna read all dat. Fuck you oderus
     
  2. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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    Didn't read.
     
  3. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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    Beat Chriza!:yes:
     
  4. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    what the hell?
     
  5. Doug Masters

    Doug Masters ok

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    cool story bro
     
  6. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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  7. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    2manboobs would have read :sad:
     
  8. Jim J Jiblets

    Jim J Jiblets #Hillary'sTongue

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    Also posted in the RUNS thread
     
  9. Double Blizz

    Double Blizz New Member Banned User

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    [h=1]How to Tell a Funny Story[/h][h=2]Steps[/h]
    • 1
      It's generally good to start by asking your audience if they'd like to hear your funny story. That accomplishes two things: they're more likely to listen, and because funny stories are more interesting, they're willing to listen longer than usual. Plus, if they turn you down, then you've saved yourself from disaster.


    • 2
      Brevity is the soul of wit, and less is more. Since a funny story is a story, it's a monologue. And people can only listen to monologues for about thirty seconds before losing interest. Take some time to mentally prepare to focus on the story's essentials.
    • 3
      If you can't tell your story in less than thirty seconds, then make the first thirty seconds compelling. Funny stories that build suspense work well here; your audience will hopefully be dying to learn what the bishop said to the actress.
    • 4
      Prune details. Remember the old maxim: any joke that has to be explained in order to get across the punch line isn't funny. And never under any circumstances explain a joke afterwards. If people didn't get it, it's either their problem, or you can tell it better the next time opportunity strikes.
    • 5
      The longer your story is, the funnier it better be. Otherwise, you'll be remembered as a time-wasting attention whore.
    • 6
      Start small and work up. One-liners are perfect. Once you're confident at getting good laughs from the mot juste, the saucy quip, and the humorous quick observation, you're ready to fire off several in a row, and then graduate to storytelling. Watch reruns of MASH for inspiration. Some people just stick to one-liners and get tremendous mileage from them all their lives (because everyone loves the fast and funny).
    • 7
      Use your hands and face. Well-timed, well-motioned hand movements and facial expressions can really liven up what you're saying.
    • 8
      Telling a funny story is comedy, so timing is everything.
    • 9
      Be confident. Don't trail off, don't look away from people, don't stutter, etc. If you have trouble giving speeches or telling ordinary stories, then by all means work on that first before telling funny stories.
    • 10
      Make occasional eye contact with people, and not just the same person. In a sense, a funny story is told in confidence, and nothing builds confidence like the personal touch. Plus, if the joke bombs, people will forgive you more because they felt that you were sincerely trying to brighten their lives.
    • 11
      If the story bombs, you can still salvage something. Shrug your shoulders, smile and say "Well, I guess you had to be there" or "I guess it really can't be translated from the original German" or something. If you can get even a small chuckle after bombing, the audience will at least have gotten their promised laugh somehow, and won't think of you in a throw-vegetables-at-him way.
     
  10. Lemmy

    Lemmy Douchebag Extraordinaire Gold

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    You weave a marvelous shit yarn! Too bad Clutch isn't here to provide pics.
     
  11. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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    [video=youtube;9aJFSpkxjtY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY[/video]
     
  12. Bro

    Bro Oligarchical Corporatocracy VIP Gold

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  13. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    I see what you did der
     
  14. DrSublux

    DrSublux Who am dis VIP

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    dude my thumbs hurt from typing all that. god damn thumb tendonitis :mad:
     
  15. Double Blizz

    Double Blizz New Member Banned User

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    I like ya bro.
    Im just giving you pointers on what helped me
     
  16. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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  17. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    :pctired:
     
  18. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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    Your skills and av sucks, gremlin bollock!
     
  19. Oderus

    Oderus Going to hell VIP

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    I'm sorry, are you addressing me?
     
  20. Schmoopy

    Schmoopy Shit Mult Hunter

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    [​IMG]