I Will Always (Only)Hunt Deer With A Rifle

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by goldtopper, Jul 27, 2015.

  1. goldtopper

    goldtopper Well Known Heterosexual Gold

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    I love venison and where I hunt is all corn fields. I got tired of getting up early and freezing, so I thought I'd try something much easier. I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
    The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. I couldn't let that happen, so I tried getting it closer to me to release it.
    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day: deer will kick you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and kick right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So I now know why deer are seldom penned up and using a rifle is the only way to do it.
    Never again.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2015
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  2. Dirty South

    Dirty South Large Member

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  3. DuckDong

    DuckDong VIP Extreme Gold

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    Darwin finalist ?
     
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  4. DogStar69

    DogStar69 Well-Known Member

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  5. N Copter

    N Copter Shot Dead Banned User

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    I know people who go bow hunting into the deep, deep woods (Canada sometimes) but ALWAYS carry some form of rifle. They have it in case they run into something, or a pack of something, that an arrow won't help with.
     
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  6. Boomer

    Boomer Who is your daddy and what does he do?

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    Tldr
     
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  7. MykTide

    MykTide Well-Known Member

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  8. HorsetoothBeth

    HorsetoothBeth Well-Known Member

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    Good.
     
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  9. Snotty

    Snotty My Snothand be strong!!! VIP Gold

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    I knew this at eight...........
     
  10. Big Bad Booey

    Big Bad Booey Well-Known Member

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  11. potroast

    potroast Well-Known Member

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    You probably would have been safer in a mutha fuckin phone booth.
     
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  12. reno

    reno VIP Extreme Gold

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    You tried to kill Bambi.:bigcry:
     
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  13. lilbuddy67

    lilbuddy67 A man with breath-taking anger management issues Banned User

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    Deer are also great jumpers. If you had managed to tie one up, it would probably struggle to free itself until it died of exhaustion. If you let it roam in some sort of corral, the fence line would have to be at least 8 feet high.
     
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  14. Imartielange

    Imartielange Member

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    You must not hunt much or be very observant. Every deer hunter (or hunter of other large wild game) knows to stay the f away until they are dead or near dead. They can cut the hell out of you with their hooves and can kill you with their antlers (though they may not mace any this time of year). Do yourself a favor- feed the hell out of them from a feeder and shoot them from a blind during the season!
     
  15. Pickle Jar

    Pickle Jar Well-Known Member

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  16. HypocriteHowie

    HypocriteHowie Well-Known Member

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  17. Night Ape

    Night Ape Well-Known Member

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    Holy shit that was a great story. And very funny too! 5 star thread!
     
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  18. sstressed

    sstressed enhancement toker VIP

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    it's pretty funny when a city dweller thinks they can pet a bear, a buffalo etc. when a guy who works around animals thinks he can rope and control a deer, it's hilarious.

    those skinny legs got some power in them.

    was it a white tail or mule deer?
     
  19. Rescued Owl

    Rescued Owl VIP Extreme Gold

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    It's a good thing that you don't live in Florida and decided to rope an alligator to fatten up in a pen.
     
  20. Lucky Pierre

    Lucky Pierre Well-Known Member

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    People who hunt are fucking weird. No other way to put it.

    Odd sexual perversion over the act of killing.

    Within a few miles of your home, there are hundreds of places where you can buy virtually any kind of meat you'd like. But that's not good enough, isn't it? Some poor animal that happens to be lucky enough to have been born in the wild gets unnecessarily gunned down just so redneck faggot can masturbate later over the kill.

    But... but... I eat the meat.... but ... but ... I'm controlling the population.

    STFU

    We've already got the dead animal for food thing well under control.
     
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