Jezebel.Com Announces Winner Of Their "Absolute Worst Masturbation Story"

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Senator Rick, Sep 2, 2010.

  1. Senator Rick

    Senator Rick Guest

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    from:
    http://jezebel.com/5627695/and-now-the-worst-masturbation-story-winner?skyline=true&s=i


    Herewith, the winning entry:

    This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister's ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.

    Well, we all know how easily those ken heads popped off.... yep. Into the the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

    What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, "I was masturbating with a ken doll and the head came off inside me!"

    The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

    It got worse. She couldn't get it out. So she: got. my. FATHER.

    ...who then got his pliers. That worked.

    Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying "come talk to me next time you want to do that!"

    At least I didn't wind up at the hospital?



    Anyone got any interesting/embarassing masturbation stories you'd care to share?
     
  2. A Succulent Chinese Meal

    A Succulent Chinese Meal Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. VIP

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    That is terrifying. My only terrible one is my mom caught me once "pleasuring myself" to the PBS version of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
     
  3. k4D3t

    k4D3t Reverse Apache Master VIP

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    :eek:

    and here I was mortified when my 8 year old daughter showed me her training bra last night (while still on the hanger with tags on it)!
     
  4. Senator Rick

    Senator Rick Guest

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    I was jerking off for the 1st time ever when I was 11 years old.
    The first time I came I thought I was going to die and I was so afraid that "God" was killing me that I had what I realize now was my first official anxiety attack.
    I was fine a couple of days later when I did it again.
    Repeatedly.

    :hat:
     
  5. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    Doorknobs

    Don't ask
     
  6. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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    Try a fig. :cheer:
     
  7. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    No pliers :(
     
  8. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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    Roatan customs :mad:
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2010
  9. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    Yes. It's customary here to use your fingers
     
  10. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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    :marx:
     
  11. A Succulent Chinese Meal

    A Succulent Chinese Meal Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. VIP

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    I used to practice kissing on my bedroom door frame. It didn't help. :scratch:
     
  12. Partyxanimal

    Partyxanimal Well-Known Member

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    Did it have Wood ?

    [gilbert]YOOOOooooo[/gilbert] :hhh:
     
  13. A Succulent Chinese Meal

    A Succulent Chinese Meal Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. VIP

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    Hickory dickory dock! Practice sitting on my cock!
     
  14. Senator Rick

    Senator Rick Guest

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    When I was in the 6th grade and living in rural Texas I knew guys who'd fucked
    (1) Farm Animals
    (2) Watermelons
    (3) A Jar of Mayonaise
    (4) An Elaborate Set Up Involving The Cardboard Insert on a Toilet Tissue Roll Lined With Tissue & Filled With Gobs of Vaseline

    I had a tendency to avoid these types once such admissions had been confided to me.
    If a kid will fuck a jar of mayonaise can butt-fucking a male classmate be far behind?
     
  15. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    Something tells me you already know the answer to that question
     
  16. gilaet

    gilaet Xanax Service Dog Staff Member

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    Depends on his dick size.
     
  17. A Succulent Chinese Meal

    A Succulent Chinese Meal Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. VIP

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    I don't believe the Ken doll head story one bit, btw. What normal father would stick a pair of pliers up his 16 year old daughter's crotch to remove a Ken doll head? I would have had myself admitted to the emergency room and told them there was some sort of painful blockage or tumor and let them deal with the horror.