JP Morgan writes a letter to all the Beth's of the world

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by chapped, Jul 30, 2013.

  1. chapped

    chapped Well-Known Member

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    Howard should have talked to this guy before buying his horse....




    A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

    A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

    Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

    I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.
    I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
    You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
    My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
    I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
    Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
    If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
    I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

    1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
    2) Which age group should I target?
    3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
    4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
    Ms. Pretty

    A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

    Dear Ms. Pretty,
    I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
    My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.
    From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
    Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty" and “money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
    However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.
    Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
    By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position".
    If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased".
    Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

    Hope this reply helps.

    signed,
    J.P. Morgan CEO

    http://laluttecontinue.tumblr.com/post/20069287160/a-letter-from-jp-morgan-ceo-to-gold-diggers
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2013
  2. Joe Bauers

    Joe Bauers Well-Known Member

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    Poor Howard, according to this guy he's a fool. :D
     
  3. Mlaw

    Mlaw Quite Contrarian Gold

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    that's real :rolleyes:
     
  4. 1Vegasgirl

    1Vegasgirl Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    According to half the people on here, Howard is a fool.
     
  5. Mlaw

    Mlaw Quite Contrarian Gold

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  6. chapped

    chapped Well-Known Member

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    awww booo
     
  7. newcastlefan

    newcastlefan גֵּרְשֹׁם VIP

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    i smell a fake. The real Jamie would take this as a negotiation and try to get the ass-ets for pennies. He would never turn away a deal just because it might lose value over the years. The girl sounds like perfect material for a derivatives swaps: we separate her good years into one tranche and her less valuable years into increasingly less profitable tranches which we repackage with some other very highly attractive ass-ets from other girls without tangible assets. her losses will offset their lower income levels. meanwhile we keep her more valuable tranche in our short term,4 year portfolio.
     
  8. chapped

    chapped Well-Known Member

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    maybe fake but its spot on
     
  9. R.P. McMurphy

    R.P. McMurphy Well-Known Member

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    ...it doesn't matter if the letter is true or not because this is how many women think.
     
  10. Avery

    Avery Well-Known Member Banned User

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    And if the tranches collapse, he would just be bailed out with a new 25 year old. :idea:
     
  11. newcastlefan

    newcastlefan גֵּרְשֹׁם VIP

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    see? now you're thinking like the real Jamie!
     
  12. cia212

    cia212 Well-Known Member VIP

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    The smart play is to convince girls like this that you want marriage, then dump them when you get tired of the sex. It's not mean, you're teaching her a valuable lesson. If you want to whore yourself out, get the money up front.
     
  13. unclefreddy

    unclefreddy Well-Known Member

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    [video=youtube;T0xoKiH8JJM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0xoKiH8JJM[/video]
    This is the second time I am posting this video today. Seriously, this guy has the right philosophy- Buyer beware!
     
  14. BringBackJackie

    BringBackJackie Well-Known Member Banned User

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    The point of securitizing non-performing ass-ets is so that you can sell them off to insecure buffoons....like Howard. Howard committed to a NPA (non-performing asset) the night he introduced himself to Beth
     
  15. Mlaw

    Mlaw Quite Contrarian Gold

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    Dr Laura agrees--women give it up too quickly and easily and for free
     
  16. ilovebacon

    ilovebacon Well-Known Member VIP

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  17. Vashier

    Vashier VIP Extreme Gold

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    Snopes is no longer legit to me. I have 1st hand knowledge of an incident they claim is false.
     
  18. nearly.normal

    nearly.normal Well-Known Member

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    Yea it was legit for a short while. But like everything that people rely on to tell them the truth it has been hijacked and corrupted.
     
  19. newcastlefan

    newcastlefan גֵּרְשֹׁם VIP

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    meanwhile this girl's well performing ass-ets would be appreciated for the shrewd trader.
     
  20. R.P. McMurphy

    R.P. McMurphy Well-Known Member

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    ...I use to love her on the gong show. sexy ol thing.