Let's grade Snort's work

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by banksy, Sep 23, 2016.

?

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  1. banksy

    banksy Eat Ritz VIP

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    Our bub @Snort is an aspiring novelist. He is considering cutting back hours at work so he can shop his novels around. The following is a sample of his work. Please assign a grade. Snort is a 32 year old Caucasian male.



    At only twenty-nine, Preston Humphrey Ashworth was one of the youngest billionaires in the world. Preston was not a typical billionaire, if there was such a thing. Money was not overly important to him. But he loved the things the money had brought him. Fame, toys, cars, houses, women, pretty much anything he had ever desired.

    His money had always been able to get him whatever he'd wanted.

    Except for now.

    Preston looked down at his failing body as the paramedics lifted him out of the ambulance. Press of all kind numbering over one hundred, were already waiting outside Our Lady of Pompeii Hospital. Flashbulbs sparkled and crackled.

    Preston was accustomed to press snapping pictures of him, but this was an entirely different scene. Nothing like the press rows he had known all his life; it was much too quiet. Not a sound was made by any of the bystanders, but Preston could hear the crackling of the flashbulbs and the wheels of the gurney rolling on the cement, so he knew that he wasn’t deaf.

    He had always been generous with his time when it came to the press and not just the biggies either. A year ago, a ten-year-old girl named Linda had sent in a request for an interview for her 5th grade newspaper. It turned out to be a tough interview, with questions that made him think. The day after, he'd sent in a donation for one million dollars to Linda’s school in her name.

    He pictured himself in a neck brace, or worse, on the cover of Time magazine.

    I'm so fucked, he thought.




    “Preston.” A familiar voice called out, a moment later Victoria Moynahan stood over him. Behind his fiancé, he could see his personal physician Carl Somerfield.
    Tears poured from Vicky’s eyes like a faucet, it was the first time Preston had ever seen her cry, and it moved him deeply. He wanted to tell her he was all right; felt no pain and, that he surprisingly was at peace with his situation.

    Speaking was impossible however, because they had put a breathing tube down his throat. He regretted that he still hadn’t married her. What had he been waiting for anyway? Thinking about it now, he could find not one solid reason to not marry her. Victoria was beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous; the last five years of his life had been the happiest, and by far.

    “I’m right here baby; I’m going to be right by your side.” She assured him.


    Usually, Victoria looked movie-star perfect, her large, round eyes were a radiant green. Jet-black hair combed down looked shiny and silky. Her natural golden-brown skin tone, made those women who spent hours at the beach, or at tanning salons every day, envious. Her high cheekbones, full lips and infectious smile, made her envied by most of the women who had ever laid eyes on her. Preston called her his exotic angel, even though she was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois.

    Now, her cheeks had black streaks running down her face from the mascara. Her hair was pulled back and held with a rubber band.

    “You’re going to be just fine Pres, I promise you. I don’t care how long it takes; we’re going to walk out of here hand in hand. Then we’re going to go home and get to work on some children. Five years, you think you can get rid of me that fast, you better get ready for a battle, because I don’t plan on giving up, and, I don’t intend on letting you give up either.”
     
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  2. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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  3. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Lula
     
  4. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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  5. gwartney

    gwartney Unafilliated Gold

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    Victoria sounds like she's fucking the doc.
     
  6. VarmintSam

    VarmintSam Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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  7. banksy

    banksy Eat Ritz VIP

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    The unnecessary and misplaced commas are very distracting.

    And don't even get me started on that fucking semi-colon.
     
  8. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Usually, Victoria looked movie-star perfect, her large, round eyes were a radiant green. Jet-black hair combed down looked shiny and silky. Her natural golden-brown skin tone, made those women who spent hours at the beach, or at tanning salons every day, envious. Her high cheekbones, full lips and infectious smile, made her envied by most of the women who had ever laid eyes on her. Preston called her his exotic angel, even though shewas born and raised in Chicago, Illinois.





    :jj::jj:
     
  9. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    [​IMG]
     
  10. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    “I’m right here baby; I’m going to be right by your side.” She assured him.


    WTF :jj::jj:
     
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  11. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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  12. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Usually, Victoria, looked, movie-star, perfect, her large, round, eyes, were, a, radiant green. Jet-black hair combed down, looked shiny and silky. Her, natural golden-brown skin tone, made those, women, who, spent hours at the beach, or at tanning salons every day, envious. Her high cheekbones, full, lips, and, infectious, smile, made her, envied, by most of the women who had ever laid, eyes on her. Preston, called her his, exotic angel, even, though, she, was, born and, raised, in, Chicago, Illinois.
     
  13. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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    Ok those are a lot of commas. The subject matter itself is pretty good though.
     
  14. Stevie

    Stevie Now go...Ohm.

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    Dear Penthouse Forum,
    I never thought this would ever happen to a normal, run of the mill guy like me.
     
  15. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Jame gumb likes the subject matter
     
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  16. jdwhatever

    jdwhatever Fesh Gold

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    Lula
     
  17. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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    Jame*
     
  18. banksy

    banksy Eat Ritz VIP

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    :lol:
     
  19. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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    Why does he put commas after the word and?
     
  20. Stew Nod

    Stew Nod Hello VIP

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    @Summer