Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Teabag, Jun 29, 2012.
The pulpit is yours, Brother Mathew.
i'm more of a questions-and-answer guy
i love my new sig tho; came up with it today. good stuff
so, erm, any questions?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
tongue is the strongest muscle in the body
Did Mary Magdalene have a big hairy pussy?
Nope. Jaw muscles.
Stories your sunday school teacher glossed over, by MatthewT
1. Cain married his sister, neice, aunt, or cousin.
2. Two angels visited Lot, but the local Sodomites wanted to rape them. Lot offered them his two virgin daughters instead, but they refused. After losing their mother in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot's two daughters got him drunk on two separate occasions, slept with him one at a time, and both got pregnant.
3. Grandma Sarah told Abraham to help God out a bit by shagging her servant, Hagar, thus making a child.
4. Jacob worked for Rachel for 7 years, but got stuck with her ugly cross-eyed sister Leah. He bitched, and got the sister he wanted, but had to work for another 7 years. So for 7 years, he was banging both sisters. Both sisters, to compete with giving him children, gave him their handmaidens to sleep with. So Jacob was banging two sisters and two other women at the same time, giving him 12 kids.
5. David tried to make it look like Bathsheba's husband came home on leave and got her pregnant, but when he wouldn't sleep with his wife when his bros were at war, he was murdered instead.
6. Solomon was banging 300 wives and 700 concubines, all of which ruined him.
7. Ehud made a shank, hid it on his right thigh as he was a lefty, connived his way into an audience with a foreign king, and ganked him. the entire shank disappeared in the fat king's belly, and Ehud escaped. the servants waited a long time because the king smelled like he was taking a dump.
8. Elijah had a showdown with 400 priests of Baal. the contest was to see who could call fire down from heaven and consume an ox. the 400 priests failed. God did not, burning both sacrifices even after they were waterlogged. Elijah had all 400 priests taken down to the river and slit their throats.
9. Elisha, being threatened with death by a mob of palestinian youths, prayed to God for help. God sent a she-bear and pwned the mob.
10. Moses saw an egyptian beating a Hebrew slave, and killed him. later, his own people threatened to rat him out, so he bailed into the desert. Moses spent a lot of time in the desert. A lot.