MathewT's Friday Night Sermon

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Teabag, Jun 29, 2012.

  1. Teabag

    Teabag ◬ Tearbag ◬ VIP

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    The pulpit is yours, Brother Mathew.

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  2. Stevie

    Stevie Now go...Ohm.

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    [video=youtube;dNej0Nonlw0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNej0Nonlw0[/video]
     
  3. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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  4. Caster Fly

    Caster Fly New Member Banned User

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    last?
     
  5. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    i'm more of a questions-and-answer guy :dontknow:
     
  6. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    i love my new sig tho; came up with it today. good stuff :D
     
  7. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    so, erm, any questions? :whistle:
     
  8. k4D3t

    k4D3t Reverse Apache Master VIP

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  9. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    global warming :cuss:
     
  10. k4D3t

    k4D3t Reverse Apache Master VIP

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  11. banksy

    banksy You wrote "I love you" in lipstick on the mirror VIP

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    Does the pope shit in the woods?
     
  12. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    :bigthink

    no
     
  13. k4D3t

    k4D3t Reverse Apache Master VIP

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  14. Stevie

    Stevie Now go...Ohm.

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    [video=youtube;CB3Gv4oZdWo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB3Gv4oZdWo[/video]
     
  15. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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  16. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    tongue is the strongest muscle in the body :bigthink
     
  17. Stevie

    Stevie Now go...Ohm.

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    [video=youtube;_2ND053jv8k]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2ND053jv8k[/video]
     
  18. Gomez

    Gomez Well-Known Member

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    Did Mary Magdalene have a big hairy pussy?
     
  19. HeinousMark

    HeinousMark Creepy-Ass Cracka VIP

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    Nope. Jaw muscles.
     
  20. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    Stories your sunday school teacher glossed over, by MatthewT

    1. Cain married his sister, neice, aunt, or cousin.

    2. Two angels visited Lot, but the local Sodomites wanted to rape them. Lot offered them his two virgin daughters instead, but they refused. After losing their mother in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot's two daughters got him drunk on two separate occasions, slept with him one at a time, and both got pregnant.

    3. Grandma Sarah told Abraham to help God out a bit by shagging her servant, Hagar, thus making a child.

    4. Jacob worked for Rachel for 7 years, but got stuck with her ugly cross-eyed sister Leah. He bitched, and got the sister he wanted, but had to work for another 7 years. So for 7 years, he was banging both sisters. Both sisters, to compete with giving him children, gave him their handmaidens to sleep with. So Jacob was banging two sisters and two other women at the same time, giving him 12 kids.

    5. David tried to make it look like Bathsheba's husband came home on leave and got her pregnant, but when he wouldn't sleep with his wife when his bros were at war, he was murdered instead.

    6. Solomon was banging 300 wives and 700 concubines, all of which ruined him.

    7. Ehud made a shank, hid it on his right thigh as he was a lefty, connived his way into an audience with a foreign king, and ganked him. the entire shank disappeared in the fat king's belly, and Ehud escaped. the servants waited a long time because the king smelled like he was taking a dump.

    8. Elijah had a showdown with 400 priests of Baal. the contest was to see who could call fire down from heaven and consume an ox. the 400 priests failed. God did not, burning both sacrifices even after they were waterlogged. Elijah had all 400 priests taken down to the river and slit their throats.

    9. Elisha, being threatened with death by a mob of palestinian youths, prayed to God for help. God sent a she-bear and pwned the mob.

    10. Moses saw an egyptian beating a Hebrew slave, and killed him. later, his own people threatened to rat him out, so he bailed into the desert. Moses spent a lot of time in the desert. A lot.