Miss America the Book: 20 Years Later

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Jan 18, 2015.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    As a companion to the Private Parts the Book: 20+ Years Later thread that I created a few days ago, I've revisited 1995's follow-up Miss America, to see how it holds up in 2015.

    (This was a much bigger undertaking than I expected, so I've cut a lot of content and am breaking this up into multiple posts. This is post 1 of 5.)



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    THE DEDICATION

    Then: "I dedicate this book to my interns, all of them, the college students who work for free."
    He later writes: "If I want my next meal, there is a slavelike intern ready to fill my request."

    Now:

    [​IMG]

    In a November 7, 2014 hearing, U.S. District Judge Valerie Caproni [another woman judge!?!] quipped that, without Tierney's internship, "Howard Stern Show" staffers could have gotten their "own damn coffee," to laughter in the court. After a brief pause in a roughly hour-long hearing, the judge ruled for the interns.

    [​IMG]


    ON PUBLICLY ADMITTING YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE

    Then: Alison, the woman who says "she fell in love with him because he was always so funny," wants to celebrate her 40th birthday with a party for friends and family. "Parties are dumb," Howard says. "Have the fucking party. Just don't bother me with it."

    [​IMG]

    But Alison wants something special for her 40th birthday: "At the party, I want you to give a speech about me."

    Howard is irate. "YOU MUST BE FUCKING NUTS! ... You want me to get up in front of all your Long Island housewife yenta pals and confess my love? I'm not doing it!"

    Alison leaves the room crying.

    [​IMG]

    "I know I love my wife and I'm not gonna be publicly humiliated by admitting it! She should know I love her and that's final. Fuck her crying."

    He only concedes to participate after his mother calls and scolds him. But when the day comes, he's prepared nothing. To kick off his speech, he decides to have the room sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." He gives a very jokey toast to his wife before acquiescing to kiss her in front of their guests. He adds, "You know, Alison, now that you're forty, we'll take this marriage one year at a time. You're aging and I want to make sure you hold up. I don't want to get locked into anything long term."

    But it makes Alison laugh, and "nothing else mattered."

    [​IMG]


    Now: Divorced Alison five years later. Months later, he enters a long-term relationship with a 27-year-old model. The two profess their love for one another publicly at every opportunity -- including posting kissing photos on social media.


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    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  2. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    [ Post 2 of 5 ]

    ON CELEBRITY FRIENDS


    Then: "Alison would get upset and cry and say that she was fed up with my antisocial behavior and she wanted a husband she could do things with. Alison must have bitched to my mother again, because my mother called me up and told me it was a husband's responsibility to go out with his wife and her friends. ... In order to get everyone off my back, I came up with a solution: We would only go out with show-biz couples."

    At the time, their only "celebrity couple" friends were Jackie and his wife Nancy. After an unpleasant (for Howard) dinner, Howard says, "We went home that night and I told Alison that was it, I'm never going to socialize again."

    Now: Howard found a woman as dedicated to celebrity friends as he is. They've spent Christmas vacations with Jimmy Kimmel, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Courteney Cox, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski -- which is unusual, since Howard says most celebrity couples stop returning their calls after spending just one evening with the Sterns.


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    ON CYBER BULLYING


    Then: In the early days of the Internet, Howard creates the screen name "Casanova" and visits the Howard Stern chat room on Prodigy. He begins sexually harassing the female users as soon as he enters the room:

    “CASANOVA: 'Hey girls, who needs some cockmeat from a real man?'”

    [​IMG]

    Howard is roundly rejected and told to leave. He responds: “'Fuck off, you whores!'”

    He continues: “Within one minute a message came on the screen suspending me from Prodigy for two days. I wasn't on this thing more than five minutes and now I was in trouble. The cyberpolice on Prodigy had busted me. Evidently, you can call the authorities from a button on your computer and complain when profanity is being used. Someone must have hit the button and ratted me out. Little babies! Bunch of girls! Those three bitches were worse than Hitler youth turning in their parents to the Nazis.

    After his suspension, he creates the screen name "HolyGhost." He writes: "I was pissed. I was on fire. I was ready to take my wrath out on any prick who got in my way. I roamed the halls of cyberspace. I had been rejected and needed to vent. I needed revenge on this cold, hard cyberworld filled with women who didn't love me."

    He enters a Fantasy chat room "Packed with guys into bondage and discipline. Just to fuck with them, I told these losers I was a girl, a hot dominatrix. I had long, tanned legs and gigantic breasts."

    After happily ruining one guy's night, he left that chat room and entered another -- for Rush Limbaugh fans. He immediately began attacking the user who welcomed him to the room:

    "'You fuckin' dope! Rush rips off everything from Howard Stern.'" He adds, "One last good insult, and I would quickly exit before the dittohead dildoes called the cyberpolice and reported me. I was hitting everyone with insults and running."

    He then went to an AA chat room, where he called the users "loser drunks," "jerks," "fucking assholes," "scumbags" and "dweebs."

    [​IMG]

    He was again suspended by the "Prodigy Police Department" for his cyber bullying, and warned he would be kicked off Prodigy forever if he violated terms again. He complains, "There was no jury or court of appeals in this situation. I had been pronounced guilty by the on-duty cybercops."

    Now:

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    "I’m subjected to cyberbullying every day on that Twitter. I got a guy now who’s finding out the real names and the occupations of what the people do who bully me. I’m kind of a fighter, so — there’s this one dude, 36-years-old from California. There’s a couple of others: I’m just gonna learn about them and make them tick, and what they do. I’m all about that. I'll go to war with anyone, I’m a warrior — let’s do it."

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  3. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    [ Post 3 of 5 ]

    ON MICHAEL JACKSON


    Then:
    "It seems to me that Michael Jackson would fit the textbook description of a child molester ... Has everyone out there lost their minds? What the hell is he doing with these boys? ... No one has been cleared, just paid off, that's all." Howard opened his 1994 New Year's Rotten Eve Pay-Per-View event "dressed and made up like Michael Jackson. I was playing with a young boy [played by an adult dwarf]. ... I began stroking his body with a doll. 'You like him, right? He's going to feel real good when I SHOVE HIM UP YOUR ASS!' I rammed the doll into his rear."



    Now: On November 19, 2014, Howard said he isn't convinced Michael Jackson was a pedophile. Assuming this was a joke, Fred Norris laughed out loud. Howard had to tell him he was being serious.

    [​IMG]


    ON PAUL McCARTNEY DISCUSSING MJ

    Then: "Even Paul McCartney, who hasn't written a hit song in decades, opened his yap. (Well, at least it wasn't that hag wife of his, Linda, the veggie. Can you believe their marriage has lasted? She must tie him up every night and fuck him up the ass real good."

    Now: Sir Paul fucked Howard up the ass real good at a backstage "meet and greet" before a Sirius XM concert event at the Apollo Theater in December 2010. Stern tried getting the ex-Beatle to sign a ticket stub for his 17-year-old daughter, Ashley Jade. As he explained on his radio show, it was a humiliating experience when McCartney's handlers gave him the bum's rush.
    "Paul couldn't get away from that pen fast enough," complained Stern. "It was like I had AIDS."
    Comedian Chris Rock was standing nearby, and on observing the snub he reportedly snickered: "Oh man, that was bad!"

    [​IMG]


    ON CARS AS GIFTS


    Then:
    Fantasizing about fucking Penthouse Pet and stripper Amy Lynn, he writes: “A goddess. Would have me eating out of a dog bowl and doing dumb shit like sending her roses every day. Fuck roses, buying her cars every day.”

    [​IMG]


    2001: Six years later, a New York Post Page Six article reports that Howard has bought a stripper a car.

    [​IMG]


    On the air, Howard responds to the article: “I wouldn’t buy myself a $60,000 Mercedes-Benz, never mind a stripper!” He adds, “It’s obvious it isn’t a real story because the article doesn’t even mention the woman’s name.”

    [​IMG]


    2006: Less than five years later, Howard surprises Robin with an extravagant gift. It’s a $100,000 Mercedes-Benz.

    [​IMG]



    ON BLOW JOBS

    Then: Throughout Miss America, Howard fantasizes about women blowing him:
    • Tula (transexual model who Howard let grab his genitals): "I'm almost 100 percent sure I'd accept a blow job."
    • Elaine Marx (Miss Howard Stern 1994): "She would blow me, fuck me, and wash my sphincter with her tongue."
    • Sandra Bernhard: "Probably could suck a mean cock if she'd stop eating pussy for five minutes."
    • Danielle Brisbois (actress): "Would love to kiss and lick my penis for hours."
    • Linda Blair: Howard fantasizes that she "strips down, pulls off my trunks, blows me in the water."
    Now: Finds blow jobs demeaning to women. Does not enjoy or want them (from women).

    [​IMG]


    ON CALLING GAY PARTY LINES TO PICK UP BOYS FOR HIS OWN PRIVATE ENJOYMENT:


    Then:
    "In my office, alone, a forty-one-year old man with three people waiting outside to see him ... I'm not doing this as a radio bit. I'm doing this for my own private enjoyment. I'm calling a GAY party line and picking up BOYS!!!"

    [​IMG]

    Now: Presumably still calls gay party lines.

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  4. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    [ Post 4 of 5 ]

    ON ARTS AND CRAFTS


    Then: "[Alison] wants me to work and then come home and be some pussy whipped, Long Island house husband who takes the kids to birthday parties and arts and crafts classes. Why not just jam your finger down your throat and vomit in my mouth? Because I'd prefer that to making clay ashtrays."

    Now: Cites arts and crafts as his favorite pastime. Is currently taking lessons in Mod Podge, drawing, watercolors and calligraphy. Frequently doodles throughout the radio show.

    [​IMG]


    ON USING THE COMPUTER FOR SEX


    Then:
    "I, Howard Stern, swear to you, my reader, that I have turned over a new leaf and will not use the computer for sexual purposes, ever again."

    [​IMG]

    Now: Mentions in almost every broadcast that he masturbated the night before using his iPad and YouPorn. Because of his constant promotion of the site, on December 2014, he's offered an honorary spot on the YouPorn's Board of Directors by the company's VP of Promotions.


    ON OCD, BACK PAIN AND HOMOSEXUALITY

    Then: Although he kept it a secret from his wife, his parents, his coworkers and his listeners, the otherwise persistently whiny Howard claims to have suffered from a devastating case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in his early adulthood. He says that he initially wrote a chapter about this tragedy for Private Parts, but decided it was too personal to reveal. After Robin wrote about her molestation by a family member in her book (and after Roseanne Barr wrote about her own first), Howard decided it was time to share his dark secret as the selling point in his second book.

    How his mental suffering manifested itself:
    • He had difficulty putting away records at work (so Fred did it for him, even though every DJ hated putting away records)
    • He believed the right side of his body dominated the left, so he would make sure his right side went in first when he entered a room, and would put his right side above the page when he read his ratings reports
    • He sometimes couldn't kiss his kids
    • In live commercial reads, he found himself repeating the sponsor's phone number three times

    [​IMG]


    How he cured it:
    On an unrelated visit to Dr. Sarno at the NYU Medical Center to treat debilitating back and shoulder pain, he's evaluated and told, "There's nothing wrong with your shoulder and there's nothing wrong with your back." It's all in his head, the doctor tells him. Howard's prescription: read Sarno's very thin book about tricks the mind plays to distract you from psychological issues (including causing back pain), and attend two of his lectures.

    After attending his first lecture, Howard has a conversation with himself in his bedroom that night. He says to himself, "Your mind was distracting you -- keeping you from thinking about your career, your fears, your future." He continues, "As soon as these thoughts entered my head, in that split second, the OCD just went. It was gone. Flew right the fuck out the window to who the fuck knows where. ... I still couldn't tell [Alison] about the OCD, but I knew it was gone forever."

    Hearing this story, Dr. Sarno responds, "Gee, I never heard of anyone saying they've been cured of OCD from this."

    Howard's back pain goes away just as quickly:

    "On the way into work that morning, my back really began acting up. I had excruciating shooting pains running up and down my back. So I started laughing. I was laughing hysterically at the pain. And in one split second, it vanished. Totally. It was gone."

    He tells Ronnie the Limo Driver that he's just been cured of back pain.

    "It just went away like that?" Ronnie asks. "Sure, whatever you say ..." Howard says he never had back pain again from that day forward.

    But it doesn't end there. For some reason, Howard concludes that Sarno can also cure homosexuality, which Howard believes is a distraction from psychological issues -- just like back pain.

    In an interview with New York Magazine promoting this book, Howard says, "Back pain and homosexuality are identical. No more, no less." The interviewer quips, "I assume you're speaking from personal experience."

    [​IMG]

    Howard laughs and responds, "No, I'm not gay. But I'm telling you. I know this is the truth." He names the book Miss America, and dresses in drag for the cover and for book promotions.

    [​IMG]

    One last thing about back pain (which is "identical" to homosexuality): "And then I remembered something else from my childhood. My father used to get tremendous back pain. It was so intense that he had to be in traction in a hospital for weeks at a time."

    (Like Howard, Ben Stern also cross-dressed.)

    [​IMG]

    Now: OCD and back pain are a distant memory for Howard. During a 2006 visit to the Stern Show, Howie Mandel, who said that he uses medication and therapy to treat his OCD, scoffed at how easily Howard overcame it, and doubted he'd actually ever really had it.

    Howard still insists the camera shoot him from the right -- his dominant side:


    [​IMG]

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    ... And he still cross-dresses.

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  5. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    [ Post 5 of 5 ]

    ON ARROGANT DJs WHO DON'T ALLOW THEIR STAFFS TO TALK TO THEM IN THE HALL


    Then: "I needed a reason to hate [number one morning DJ in Philly John Debella]. ... Gary had once worked with DeBella at WLIR in Long Island. At the time, DeBella was the star disc jockey and Gary was a lowly intern. Gary told me that DeBella was so arrogant that the interns, as part of their standard orientation, had been instructed not to talk to DeBella in the halls. They were told they weren't even allowed to look him in the eye. That was enough to get me going.

    WHO THE FUCK DID THIS ARROGANT PRICK THINK HE WAS?!!
    "

    Now: Clear The Halls! 04/01/10. 9:45am
    "Robin said that something odd happened yesterday when [Howard] left the studio. She said that they yelled to clear the hall when he left. Howard said it used to be like a big party out there and people would come up to him on his way back to his office. He said he asked Gary to clear it out so that's why they do that. ... Gary said that it makes him crazy because he has to make sure that no one bothers [Howard]. He said that they might have someone visiting up there and he has to make sure they don't pop their heads out of the green room or something." -- Marksfriggin

    No staffers or visitors are permitted to talk to or even look at Howard once his air shift ends.

    [​IMG]



    AND FINALLY: ON FAT FEMALE TV STARS

    Then: Suggested Roseanne Barr's father actually did her a favor when he molested her, because no one else would touch her. When ABC threatend not to run the episode of Roseanne that featured the infamous lesbian kiss, Howard remarked, "Hey, it's amazing they found a woman who'd kiss that water buffalo." When Roseanne and husband Tom Arnold entered a three-way marriage with Tom's sexy young blond assistant, Howard barked, "This is pathetic. She is now finally stupider than she is fat."

    [​IMG]

    Now: "It's a little fat girl who kinda looks like Jonah Hill and she keeps taking her clothes off and it kind of feels like rape," he said about current it girl Lena Dunham. "She seems -- it's like -- I don't want to see that. ... I learned that this little fat chick writes the show and directs the show and that makes sense to me because she's such a camera hog that the other characters barely are on."

    But then the Lena-lovin' media picked up on his comments:

    [​IMG]

    The King of All Media was completely caught off guard by the reaction from the mainstream as well as counter-cultural media -- who had each largely ignored him and his comments during his past seven years on satellite radio -- and by the young and very vocal commenters on social media. It had never before been made more clear to him that he was squarely on the wrong side in his career-long battles between the new and the established, and the cool and the uncool. So:

    [​IMG]

    Howard was no match for the newer and cooler Lena. After groveling and insisting he'd been misquoted, Lena forgave him. Since then, he's even said he finds her sexy.

    But Lena got her revenge. At his 60th birthday party, in a room full of celebrities, Lena addressed Howard's trophy wife and said she was, “surprised Beth could be with someone who looks like a cartoon of a Jewish female horse.”

    [​IMG]


    Lena added that it looked like Howard was inspired by another one of her heroes: Rhea Perlman.

    [​IMG]

    The room full of celebrities, along with Howard's trophy wife -- everything he ever wanted in life -- all laughed heartily at their dopey, dizzy, defenseless former king ...

    THE END


    * * *

    This is an installment in my 2015 Fact-Finding Mission series.


    [​IMG]

    Howard Stern's Sirius Promises: 10 Years Later
    Private Parts the Book: 20+ Years Later
    Unauthorized Howard Stern Biography
    Book: Howard Stern A to Z
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2015
  6. Guacamole

    Guacamole Well-Known Member

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    Amazing! Thanks for all your hard work. :beer:
     
  7. Caffeinated

    Caffeinated Well-Known Member

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    I think we have a potential Poster of the Year already...

    Bravo!
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  8. MobyDick

    MobyDick Well-Known Member

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    Howard's ears are burning from the absolute BLOWTORCHING he's getting from this thread. You are doing GOD'S WORK, OP.
     
  9. MobyDick

    MobyDick Well-Known Member

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    "Now: Mentions in almost every broadcast that he masturbated the night before using his iPad and YouPorn. Because of his constant promotion of the site, on December 2014, he's offered an honorary spot on the YouPorn's Board of Directors by the company's VP of Promotions."
    :giggle:
     
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  10. Engaged Chicken

    Engaged Chicken VIP Extreme Gold

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    Now this is a good thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :party:
     
  11. N Copter

    N Copter Shot Dead Banned User

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    Great post(s).

    Miss America wasn't 1/4th the book that Private Parts was.

    Anyone remember the ENDLESS fucking bitching he did about writing that book. It was the first thirty minutes of each show. It rivaled his anti-Bush rants in 2004 before the election.

    Nothing ranks up with his crying before going to Sirius every morning. Loser was crying how "the government" was out to get him and he wasn't allowed to do anything. Opie and Anthony were cruising along okay under the same rules but poor Howie couldn't carry on.

    Anyway, great post.
     
  12. Afganistand

    Afganistand Motivationally Deficient VIP

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    Should be required reading for new Shedders, along with your other thread. :beer:
     
  13. Slow

    Slow My name is my name DawgShed News

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    Hey Stuttering John, you don't have to admit it but we all know what your reaction is to this.... [​IMG]
     
  14. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    I cut this for length from the original post, but I think it's worth sharing. Miss America was a total rush job:

    --

    Miss America, which came out just two short years after Private Parts, is heavier and about 30 pages longer than Private Parts is, but actually has a fraction of the content. Miss America is about 3/4" shorter in height than Private Parts is, and the top and bottom page margins are more generous. Private Parts has on average about 40 lines of text per page, with about 13 words per line. Miss America's densest pages have about 35 lines of text per page, with about 10 words per line. But few pages come close to that spec. Here's a typical page from Private Parts (left), compared to a "wordy" page in Miss America:


    [​IMG]

    Due to all the typographic trickery (padded letter and word spacing, alternating fonts, weights and sizes), the shorter paragraphs (creating more white space on the page), and the abundant imagery (sometimes repeated over and over again), it took me literally half the time to re-read this than it took to re-read Private Parts.

    Finally, Miss America is also printed on much cheaper, less bright paper (more room for profit!).
     
  15. N Copter

    N Copter Shot Dead Banned User

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    Outstanding.

    I wasn't even thinking of the actual physical layout of the book but the content. It just wasn't nearly the enjoyment that Private Parts was. I see from your information that it was not only bad content but less of it.
     
  16. N Copter

    N Copter Shot Dead Banned User

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    I remember John looking sexy in a dress somewhere in that book.
     
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  17. JerseySwamps

    JerseySwamps Member

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    Who is John Kasinski?
     
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  18. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    Typo. I meant Krasinski. (Fixed in original post.)

    [​IMG]
     
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  19. killallposers

    killallposers VIP Extreme Gold

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    Oh, the elf boy from the office. God, he was annoying on that show.
     
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  20. schnauzer

    schnauzer Well-Known Member

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    I am, quite literally, staggered by this :faint:

    Now: On November 19, 2014, Howard said he isn't convinced Michael Jackson was a pedophile. Assuming this was a joke, Fred Norris laughed out loud. Howard had to tell him he was being serious.
     
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