My yearly Fuck Christmas Thread

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by eliasbboy, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. eliasbboy

    eliasbboy Insert Witty Title Here Staff Member

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    Yep. Here we go again. :punch:

    Quick recap, I'm in the middle of weaning off a medication that causes severe headaches, shitty sleeping, irritability, your basic miserable existence.

    My kids had a sleepover at their great grammas lastnight, along with their cousin. I had to pick them up early on account of my cunt brother in law. If ever a human deserved the label of "cunt" it is this fucker. He worked for with my father and I for years and we tolerated him. I ALWAYS said he was a dick, thief, liar, and general asshat but everyone else gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    In lieu of writing a new War and Peace, suffice it to say everything I suspected was true. He fucked us over business-wise more than even I could believe.

    He scared my kids last week by yelling at making a scene. I threatened to kill him with a fucking spoon if he ever treated my kids like an asshole again.

    The only reason he still draws a breath is my sister. As long as she lives in lala land and is completely unaware of his doucebaggery we've decided to just move on. My dad doesn't want to stress out my sister.

    Did I mention we're going to my sister's house from Christmas Eve?

    That should be fun.

    My OTHER brother in law caused such a scene my wife had to take are kids home from a birthday party tonight.

    By the way, THAT one I called a cunt to his face when he attacked my wife while she was pregnant. I carefully explained to him that she might have gotten away abusing his sister, but he was seriously confused if thought he was going to abuse and bully my wife.

    I made him cry. :jj: He literally cried as I described what condition the search party would find him in if my touched my wife again.

    He acts VERY nice around me now.

    Earlier today my lovely wife called me 5 minutes after I left to pick the kids up and let me know our basement was flooded. Sump pump went out. :suicide:

    Between shop vacuuming water, pumping the flood back out into the yard, installing a new sump pump, and moving everything around I hurt my back sofa king bad I saw spots for about 10 minutes.

    This cannot possibly get worse.

    Yes, I know I shouldn't say that. I'm saying it on purpose. I DARE someone to make it worse. I DEFY someone to make it worse.

    Take your best shot karma, God, nature, Lord Xenu King of All Scientologists, or any other supreme being lurking at the shed tonight.

    So while it may appear I'm complaining, I'm really not. I'm lying here on the floor in the middle of a back spasm and migraine laughing to myself. I laugh because deep down I KNOW as shitty as this day has been there is some other poor sap out there having a worse one.

    THAT guy is fucked.

    Merry Christmas.
     
  2. Swedish John

    Swedish John I'm your huckleberry

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    tl;dr wgas # noOnecares
     
  3. Gitfiddle

    Gitfiddle Live Deliciously

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    I'm going to be completely alone on Christmas.
     
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  4. eliasbboy

    eliasbboy Insert Witty Title Here Staff Member

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    I envy you. I can name 5 close relatives I would gladly sacrifice if I could be alone tomorrow.

    Any chance we can switch? How much do you know about pens?
     
  5. HAL

    HAL HAM

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    That's a good story
     
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  6. Thelonious Davis

    Thelonious Davis Magical negro.

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    Waaaaaaaah
     
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  7. eliasbboy

    eliasbboy Insert Witty Title Here Staff Member

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    Bah muther fucking humbug.
     
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  8. O Face

    O Face VIP Extreme Gold

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    Go back on the meds and have a merry xmas dude :jj: something for your back could make everything more tolerable I'm sure
     
  9. gilaet

    gilaet based on a true story Gold

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    Gonna be New Years by the time I finish reading that.
     
  10. Thelonious Davis

    Thelonious Davis Magical negro.

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    I'm going to see Star Wars at 8:30 am Christmas Day. :yes:
     
  11. HAL

    HAL HAM

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    That's a good one
     
  12. Artie Laugh

    Artie Laugh ****

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    With that back, there's no way your gonna make it to your sisters for Christmas Eve. Thats too bad.
     
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  13. Artie Laugh

    Artie Laugh ****

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    ........oh, and is spots your dog?
     
  14. gilaet

    gilaet based on a true story Gold

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    not now
     
  15. StormCloud

    StormCloud Well-Known Member

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    A beer per paragraph. The ending will be sweeeetttt!
     
  16. O Face

    O Face VIP Extreme Gold

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    if you try to pull this shit then your wife has to take the kids by herself and that will not fly
     
  17. Artie Laugh

    Artie Laugh ****

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    Hopefully spots can swim.
     
  18. banksy

    banksy Like a 40 degree day VIP

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    Adele's performing on NBC RIGHT NOW
     
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  19. Anfkid

    Anfkid Blue Banner Mafia Staff Member

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    On the other hand cunt #1 sounds perfect for @big faggy. :jj:


    Merry Christmas ELIAS! We love you at least
     
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  20. Mr. Potato Head

    Mr. Potato Head ~Would Like to Play~ Gold

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    :winner: