Discussion in 'The Bar' started by jdwhatever, Mar 13, 2012.
I learned Illinois is north of Louisiana.
that OP is always a faggot
Mothers and sons from belize are tight.
I learned some good uTorrent sites for porn and other educational stuff.
i learned what op means
I learned people at Walmart are fat.
I learned that jdwhatever starts too many shitty threads.
i learned how to spell 'learned'.
l e a r m errr n e d spells learned.
in a sentence: he learned how to spell learned
do you pronounce your name terrell or terrell
What the fuck are you babbling about NEG REPS NEG REPS NEG REPS!
lol moto is all like neg reps
that got dbd rolling laughing lol wut
I learned that if I'm ever running a successful website, not to shut it down for weeks as a joke on the members.
both ways. and a third way where i pretend i'm dick clark. terrreellll
I learned the:
Fundamental Laws of Porn
#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far weÃ¢€™ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesnÃ¢€™t do anal, and sheÃ¢€™s not Christy Canyon, sheÃ¢€™s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesnÃ¢€™t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter
#18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months
#19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes
#20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
#21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie
#22: if an act is described as Ã¢€œher first timeÃ¢€Â, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
#23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
#24: squirt is pee (see #10)
#25: every whore has a price
#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#28: someone elseÃ¢€™s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
#29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the "great sex" and "close friendships," when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependencyÃ¢€™; 10% support suitcase pimp's drug dependency
#30: when a whore says they "don't do drugs any more," it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
#31: not all attention-whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention-whores
#32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche
#33: girls turn 18 every day
#34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
#35: whores never learn
#36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related Ã¢€œcareer opportunitiesÃ¢€Â
#37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
#38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
#39: big-budget porn (e.g. Ã¢€œConquestÃ¢€Â, Ã¢€œPrivate GladiatorÃ¢€Â) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
#40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum
#41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29)
#42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina)
#43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on
#44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares
#45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out
#46: never talk about your kids on your porn site; a real wood killer
#47: how about a girl who sucks beyond the goddamn helmet; half these bitches don't belong in the industry, because they can't give proper head
#48: during anal sex, the phrase Ã¢€œfuck the shit out of meÃ¢€Â (or variations thereon) shouldnÃ¢€™t be uttered
#49: the more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in how she's dressed (e.g. hot pants, clear heels, etc.), the better
#50: asses are much improved by being bigger (within reason) and wetter (without reason)...
#51: like Hydra, when one whore dies, another five spring up in her place
#52: alt.porn has engendered more verbiage than woodage
#53: male talent should not be featured prominently on the box cover
Only one I don't agree with is #10. It should read:
#10: Piss and vomit are only sexy under the right circumstances. Shit never is, and tears always are