One of the most honest analysis of accepting parenthood:

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Slippy, Sep 5, 2013.

  1. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    Parenting, Honestly - Uncensored


    Some parenting tips

    1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
    2. Did that? Lower them even more.
    3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
    4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
    5. You can never have too many popsicles in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple popsicle?
    6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently– probably on Satan’s website Pinterest– that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
    7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
    8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
    9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreeze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
    10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
    11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
    12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
    13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
    14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
    15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Spongebob.
    16. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
    17. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
    18. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
    19. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
    20. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
    21. Just say No to ironing.
    22. Last, but not least, a glass of wine and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.
     
  2. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I look forward to #9.

    Fuckin' boys.
     
  3. FatKidSullivan

    FatKidSullivan Smoking Cigars

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    Is your one son still jacking off all over the house, Slips?
     
  4. Splash

    Splash Huge Member VIP

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    Dr, tl

    but not interested in #9, creep
     
  5. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    V at 23.

    Didn't read.

    Sorry :coffee:
     
  6. eliasbboy

    eliasbboy Insert Witty Title Here Staff Member

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    I love that.:jj:
     
  7. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    #8 has been an issue in the past as well.

    I once found an unopened jar of Miracle Whip under one of my son's beds. In a bag along with a case of Kool-Aid Jammers and 3 bottles of bbq sauce.

    I'd like to think he simply took a grocery bag upstairs by accident.

    I'm glad I found them unopened, and don't wish to deliberate any further on what plans a teenage boy might have with a jar of Miracle Whip and a case of Kool-Aid jammers, and some BBQ sauce.
     
  8. harlock

    harlock ancora imparo Gold

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    :rofl: i was gonna quote that one!
     
  9. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    No. We had a talk.

    He showers a lot, and empties his own garbage can from his room.
     
  10. Splash

    Splash Huge Member VIP

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    You like fuckin boys too, huh?
     
  11. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    Sounds like a normal teenage boy just growing up to me :coffee:
     
  12. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, and #6...........are you fucking kidding me????

    How do you even get toothpaste all the way to the top of the mirror? And can you not get it on the toothbrush? AND CAN'T YOU JUST RINSE THE SINK WHEN YOU'RE DONE?
     
  13. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    Precisely how I handled it, DF.

    Told him we all do it (that creeped him out, when I told him that mommy does it as well) - but there was a time and a method. Then I gave him some tips and we have our rules.

    I'll always knock on the door, he knows the right places - and he cleans up his own damn messes.
     
  14. Gwarn1

    Gwarn1 Worlds poorest sugar daddy VIP

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    Great thread slips,
    #14 I was helping my daughter with her math homework last week. 100 multiplication problems, she was asking me to help her on every problem. I finally snapped and said, you know what it's ok to get a few wrong, in life you learn more from your mistakes than anything else. Who the fuck turns in a math assignment with 100% right. This society is too afraid to fail
     
  15. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I took "wearing the hideous outfit" from #14, but I hear you G!

    I get very frustrated helping them with homework. If you are answering her questions for her - she's not even doing the damn work!
     
  16. boxers

    boxers Guest

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    A real mom would show him the difference between his penis and your vagina
     
  17. FunnyFarm2

    FunnyFarm2 voice of reason VIP Gold

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    Miracle Whip and BBQ sauce were for the dog.

    Kool aid jammers were for his buddies.
     
  18. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    :giggle::uscared:

    Sounds like a good mom to me :smile:
     
  19. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    You are the only male past the age of 12 that needs his mother to show him a vagina, dear.

    Sounds like you've thought this out.

    You will not be babysitting my boys. :fil:
     
  20. Gomez

    Gomez Well-Known Member

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    what aboot #3,845 ? Can you expand on that .. hmmm well?