Private Parts the Book: 20+ Years Later

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    I just re-read Private Parts for the first time since I was 17, to see how “the fastest-selling book in Simon & Shuster’s history” held up after 21 years. There's been a lot of talk in the Stern world about how Howard's evolved since the '90s, so I thought I'd highlight some examples here.

    [​IMG]

    THE DEDICATION

    Then: “To my wife, Alison, … who never gave a shit about material things … who loved me before I had a radio show.”

    Now:
    Married the ultimate material girl, who lives for five-figure designer handbags and dresses, jewelry that costs more than cars and even houses, and has a $10,000,000 closet – just in her third home.

    [​IMG]


    ON STAYING WITH YOUR WIFE AND KIDS

    Then: “If you have kids, you live with the kids. You don’t move out on your wife. You stay with her even if you banged her nine thousand times and you’re sick of it. You stay with her anyway. Nobody follows that. They don’t realize that’s the secret to life. When you’ve got kids, you raise them.

    Now: Divorced six years after writing this, leaving his wife to raise the kids. Claims he went on a “mad tear” after he left, using every woman he met for sex before settling down with a woman 18 years younger than him.

    [​IMG]

    ON BETH, A GORGEOUS BUT MINDLESS GIRLFRIEND
    (from college)

    Then: “Her name was Beth and I knew at least three guys she’d already slept with … The problem was she was pretty mindless. We had nothing in common. I had nothing to say to her. But she was gorgeous. So I fucked her again.”

    [​IMG]

    Now: Same.

    [​IMG]


    ON CATS

    Then:
    “My mother was convinced that pets actually drain energy out of the humans who own them. To this day, I swear, if I’m feeling a little rundown, I walk around my house thinking that our cat is like Cujo or something."

    Now:
    Owns six resident cats, and houses dozens of foster kittens throughout the year. Is trying to get audience and friends to donate $7 million dollars to build playground resort for homeless cats in the Hamptons.

    [​IMG]

    ON CHILDREN’S BOOKS

    Then: “First of all, it’s easy to write a children’s book. I have to make up stories every night for my kids. Last night I made up one right on the spot for my daughters: Once upon a time there was a daddy who ripped out a cat’s uterus. Then he ripped off its claws. Then he chopped off its head. And it lived happily ever after.”

    [​IMG]

    Now:
    His second wife recently wrote and published a children’s book about a cat with a sad heart who becomes cured when he’s adopted into the Stern home and discovers his purpose.

    [​IMG]


    VARIOUS GAY STUFF

    1) Howard jerked off his friend:

    “Then, at this tender age [13], I had my first homosexual experience. … One day at my house my stupid friends suggested that we masturbate … each other. I wasn’t interested in him seeing my little dick, so I reluctantly agreed to help him out. He pulled his pants down around his ankles. I started to rub his dick up and down when he told me I was doing it all wrong.”

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]


    2) Howard let a transsexual feel his penis, and got a huge erection:

    “’Take off your pants,’ she said. ‘Let me see what you’ve got.’
    ‘I don’t have any problem with that. You’re a guy.’ I stood there in my underpants and she grabbed my balls and cock with those manly mitts of hers. Some things a doctor can’t change.
    I popped the biggest fucking boner. Some guys really know how to handle the goods.

    [​IMG]

    3) Howard desperately wanted his wife to stick fingers up his asshole during sex, and his desire eventually got so bad that he had to do it to himself:

    “What I figure is someone did fuck [Alison] in the ass and it was a disaster. All I know is that there’s no drug or liquor strong enough on the planet Earth to get her to do that. I even tried to ease her into it by sticking a finger or two up there but she freaked out and said she was uncomfortable. Finally, I asked her if she would do that to me. I even went on my TV show and during a takeoff on ‘The Newlywed Game’ that we called the Sternlywed’s Game, I said the one thing I’d like to do sexually that my wife won’t do is have fingers up the butt. Still nothing. So far, she’s gotten as far as spreading my cheeks apart. It got so bad that I tried to do it myself one night when I was in the shower. I lathered up my butt and put my finger up there, but I didn’t get turned on.”

    [​IMG]

    4) For some reason, a girlfriend had the impression that Howard would be interested in a foursome -- with herself and two gay men:

    “One morning when she got up, she was nude and grabbed my hand and said, ‘Come with me.’ I stumbled out of bed and I got my underwear on because I was totally self-conscious about anyone else in the house seeing my little mushroom. She led me down the hall and then she opened a door and we were in the bedroom of two gay guys who were in the acting troupe with her. Leslie hopped into bed with them and she started to get physical and then she turned to me and said, ‘Climb into bed with us!’”

    [​IMG]


    5) On the "Also by the Author Page," Howard jokes that he's written a book called:

    Overcoming Homosexuality

    [​IMG]


    ONE LAST THING ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY (IT'S AN IMMATURE CHOICE TO AVOID RESPONSIBILITY)

    Then:
    The truth is, I am one of the world’s leading authorities on homosexuality, and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight on why men become homosexuals. Many people today lean toward the revisionist theory that homosexuality is biologically determined. In my opinion, homosexuality is just another way of denying adulthood. When you’re with another guy you don’t have to deal with the responsibilities of a traditional family. You extend the joys of your prepubescense. You’re stuck in the phase of your life where you just hang out with the boys. It’s a simpler time. And a gross sign of immaturity. I believe homosexual behavior is not genetic but a deeply rooted defense mechanism that allows the human mind to ward off outside pressures. Like obsessive-compulsive behavior, alcoholism, or gambling addictions, homosexual behavior can be changed.”

    [​IMG]

    Now: Howard recently declared, "Gay people are God's gift to the world."

    [​IMG]


    ON TRUE LOVE AND TRUST


    Then:
    “I’ve got to admit, it’s somewhat tempting to [get a little money in my pocket and dump Alison]. But I love my wife and my wife loved me when I was a bum. She was actually proud of me and brought me to her parents’ house, even when I had no job. And her parents treated me like a human being even though I disgusted myself. I wanted to be in radio but I had no voice, no delivery, nothing. But they treated me as if I was normal.

    “So when I get tempted by one of these little bims, I look at my bim and I know that she’s the best bim on the planet for me. I’m never going to do any better. She truly loves me. And true love is a hard thing to find, remember that. I trust my wife, and I’m so paranoid I don’t trust anybody. I know she would never betray me. Any woman I meet now I could never trust.”

    [​IMG]

    Now: Has no relationship with his wife’s family. Doesn’t trust his wife alone with other men (not for a massage, not for a photo shoot – because he doesn’t trust men to control themselves around her, he claims). Insists on wearing condoms every time they have sex (and keeps the condoms locked away in a safe).


    FINALLY: ROBIN WILLIAMS


    Then:


    [​IMG]

    Now:
    Howard is still in mourning over the death of his beloved Robin, a comedy genius. And Jay Leno is an unfunny thief!!!


    * * *

    This is an installment in my 2015 Fact-Finding Mission series.


    [​IMG]

    Howard Stern's Sirius Promises: 10 Years Later
    Miss America the Book: 20 Years Later
    Unauthorized Howard Stern Biography
    Book: Howard Stern A to Z
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2015
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  2. RF76

    RF76 Well-Known Member

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    I miss the old Howard. More importantly the old Stern show.
     
  3. ItsAWholeThing

    ItsAWholeThing Well-Known Member

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    Nicely done all new members should be made to read
     
  4. Jayla

    Jayla Ou ai-je l'esprit? Gold

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    So funny.
     
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  5. SomerSky

    SomerSky Obsessed with what I hate Banned User

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    Wow, I never read it but there may be more sexual lies in there than Lisa G's abortion of a tome!
     
  6. Dump Button

    Dump Button Former Mall Security Guard

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    Nice work. Howard jerked off someone :jj:
     
  7. Nick Mondo

    Nick Mondo VIP Extreme Gold

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    This post should be required reading before being allowed to join the board, great stuff.
     
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  8. FishySausage

    FishySausage Original Nuttah VIP Gold

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    We all change. I get that.
    But these aren't little things. It's not like you used to like The Ramones, and now you realize they're a pretty weak band.
    Or you used to hate asparagus, but now you love it.
    These are core values and beliefs that he felt strongly enough about TO PUT IT IN A BOOK, that he has just completely flipped on.
    hes such a sham
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
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  9. ItsAWholeThing

    ItsAWholeThing Well-Known Member

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    great idea?
     
  10. Mike2077

    Mike2077 Well-Known Member

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    A+ thread. Nice job.
     
  11. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    I lost my original copy many moves and states ago, so I bought this one in "very good" condition on Amazon for a penny, plus $3.99 shipping. Reading it again for the first time since 1994, I was surprised at how much is just transcripts of his radio show, which I found a little tedious to get through. What I enjoyed more this time around, though, is the psychological analysis at the end, prepared by two doctors who read the book. In it, they observe:

    • Howard is self-sufficient sexually. Meaning he seems to prefer to masturbate than to engage in sex with another person.
    • He shows signs of having an eating disorder.
    • He lacks empathy, and does not know how others feel.
    • He requires constant attention and admiration, and relies on his radio family to provide that.

    Curiously, there is no analysis of his relentless preoccupation with penises, his gay experiences or his expert belief that you can choose to not be gay. (They also avoid analyzing his racist comments, such as: “Speaking of hair, how do you like those Hispanic chicks who dye their hair blond? That’s an attractive look. No wonder some Spanish guys are ready to rape any white woman who comes along.”)


    When I get home tonight I'll post something that I cut from the original post, for length: Howard on celebrities that he hated but now loves.
     
  12. Sickboy

    Sickboy Latverian Monarch

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    Old Wigward, New Wigward...
    [​IMG]
     
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  13. Halloween

    Halloween Well-Known Member

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    Even back in the 90s Howard would get his balls busted regarding his parenting skills. Robin especially would chew him out for hiding out in his jerkoff room all day while nannies and Allison spent all their time with the kids.
     
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  14. GaryPuppet

    GaryPuppet Well-Known Member

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    If Judith Regan was to re-edit that book today, it'd be 21 pages long, at best.
     
  15. Hugh Blowmont

    Hugh Blowmont Just be funny

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    Normally i say this mockingly, but in this case i am 100% serious. This is a 5-star post and 5-star thread. Awesome stuff.
     
  16. Wonky Eye

    Wonky Eye Well-Known Member

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    Even more of a hypocrite than I could remember. Sad, sad, sad...
     
  17. Dominic GPS

    Dominic GPS TIT: Texan-In-Training VIP

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    Great job. Great thread
     
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  18. Miss America

    Miss America Well-Known Member

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    Someone should bring this to Stuttering John's Q&A session and ask questions --Was Howard lying when he wrote Private Parts and said this? Why does he do the opposite now?
     
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  19. N Copter

    N Copter Shot Dead Banned User

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    I loved the book. I think I read it in one day. I was at the book signing in New York with the countless thousands of others. The massive book success, the greatness of the show at time, and the very recent Channel 9 show was this weird hurricane of almost comedy ecstasy.

    The book got me laid one night. I took it to a local bar to let the bartender borrow. Some girl saw me with it and we got to talking about Howard. Few hours later I was balls deep.

    Fucking Howard.....why did you have to become SUCH an asshole!!!!!! Even a little asshole we could handle but God in Heaven he should be sitting on The View talking about the next Twilight Movie.

    People beat up George Lucas for the prequel Star Wars (and they should). But Howard has wrecked his legacy five or ten times worse than Lucas.

    Asshole.
     
  20. Mr Fantastic

    Mr Fantastic Found Nemo VIP

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    Ben, you got skills! Thank you for your continued contributions to The Shed! :up: