Discussion in 'The Artie Lange Show' started by Peau de Soie, Jun 29, 2012.
No pun intended.
"Dan, what did you do, did you dry off a Sasquatch in here?"
"I found some of his elbow hair in one of my sandwiches once. You have ELBOW HAIR!"
"The girls are lucky. I'm not lucky! Look at what I look like. I look like a pale hairy ape! I wore hot pink today. Artie didn't notice it! Artie didn't notice MY hot pink nail polish!"
"He took a crap in Dallas, looked like A-Rod!...
And it, too, was not clutch."
Sandusy/Floyd: "If you don't eat my meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat my meat?!"
"You know what, those after school special do-gooders let all these kids out of the locker. Before you know it, every other movie is about a vampire."
"Vince Lombardi, Vampire Hunter. Nobody's got any crosses out here! Nobody's got any garlic! Everybody's GRABbin' these vampires, you gotta stab 'em in the heart! You understand? You're supposed to be one hell of a vampire huntin'... Didn't look like it to me! Everybody's grabbin', nobody's bitin'! Gimme some garlic. What you need is a cross, you stab 'em with a cross you dummy! This is Vince Lombardi, Vampire Hunter! What the hell's your problem? Now get out there -- these guys are suckin' the blood outa every broad in town!! Don't slink across the ground like Gary Oldman on crack, you dumb f.... Get over here! Where's Winona Ryder when you need her? Lombardi, Vampire Hunter. What we're gonna do here, we're gonna seal one vampire here, and another vampire here, and stab him in the heart!"
"Hi I'm from the Nick and Artie Show. Yeah, they call me Dandusky. I know, it's a little thing they have. Welllll, there's no real origin to it, I mean."
"Doug, when you get a chance, can you cave in the side of your wife's head?" to Doug, husband of some annoying caller. 3/6/12
edit: 3/6 was actually a good show, especially hours 2 & 3. It's the one where they bust Materese's balls for being a self-hating Italian.
(as Dan, at a Chelsea laundromat)
"Now wait a minute! I had 3 bras in here. Was it you again, 'Heysus'? You bastard. Frankie Juice Bar, this is the last time you take my tube socks."
"Like photography's a skill!"
[Special Exception, real Marie Canavan speaking:] "I'm interested in things! I just don't know exactly what. ...I don't know what I would say. I would just say I'm trying to figure out my interests. I feel like that."
"Are you guys really angry you're not going to Paris?? Sure you are. I'm not invited to take a leak at your apartment. You want to go to Paris with me?! Why don't you go F yourself! I can't take a dump in your aunt's apartment, "but I want to go to Paris with you!" all of a sudden.
"We're not in Chicago any more, Mowgli! If I click my yellow feet together 3 times, I'll be back in Illinois! Click click. Oh I'm going to throw my DAT machine at one of the girls again."
(asking twins' favorite TV show, to silenced ums)
"It's like interviewing a piece of foliage."
"So we bring up Honeymooners and your favorite show is Rugrats? Rugrats??"
(after PolitoRick said "maybe we do want that Western European model, nobody, uh, people work 11 days a year")
"I'd love an Eastern European model!"
Regarding Andy Griffith:
"That's a mark for Dan. What about an old guy with money, who doesn't know about computers? Well uh, Mr. Felato, do you mind putting music on my computer? Why sure Mr. Griffith, I would love to. You're so famous. I know famous people too! Did you ever hear of Mark Grace?? I used to give him oral sex every day. He saw my hairy ass EVERY day. Mark slept with 4,000 women, and I have it ALL on tape. Ha haaa! Here Mr. Griffith, here's a great Sinatra song -- that cost four dollars! And I'm pocketing two!"
[FYI these all are much funnier with the exaggerated fey Chicago accent.]