Stern Show Simon Cowell Confesses: "I Stole Howard Stern's Job Because I Was Jealous"

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    HOLLYWOOD -- Audience members at today's taping of America's Got Talent auditions witnessed something even more spectacular than the Basset Hound who rode a miniature motorcycle across a flaming tightrope. The real showstopper came at the end of the day's filming, when executive producer Simon Cowell, who joins the show's cast in season eleven as head judge, confessed to hundreds of stunned tourists that he personally removed Howard Stern from the judging panel because he was jealous of his success.

    "Before we go, I do have one last thing I'd like to say to you all," Cowell said, slowly spinning his chair around to face the hushed audience. "I know that you were secretly hoping to see Howard Stern sitting in this chair when you queued up for today's taping --" Cowell began, only to be interrupted by wild cheers incited by the mere mention of Stern's name. "Some of you drove up to 12 hours and waited in the rain for another ten just to see your hero, and to witness the Thunderdome of excitement that he brings to this show --" Cowell managed to add before being cut off once again by enthusiastic applause.

    "And that's precisely why I had to steal his job!" Cowell boomed, his hands now balled into fists.

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    Above: A jealous Simon Cowell has begun wearing suits by John Varvatos in a desperate attempt to copy his stylish predecessor Howard Stern.

    The passionate crowd of Stern supporters immediately fell silent. Returning judges Howie Mandel and Mel B audibly gasped at this surprise revelation.

    "Howard Stern is everything I'm not," Cowell continued. "Respected. Witty. Trustworthy. Adored. When I realized that without even trying he had beaten me at my own game -- judging untalented morons for an audience of uneducated morons -- I did the only thing a jealous snake like me knows how to do: I went behind his back and stabbed him with my own fangs."

    [​IMG]

    Above: A distraught Howie Mandel grieves for the cruel injustice Simon Cowell inflicted upon his mentor, Howard Stern.

    The sold-out crowd began booing and hissing the villainous Cowell, who seemed only to relish in their outrage. That is, until supermodel judge Heidi Klum threw a Snapple-labeled cup full of water directly at his face.

    "You had no right to replace the man we all love!" Klum shouted, eliciting cheers from the uproarious crowd. "You think you can just take everything he worked for and claim it as your own? Howard made this show hip! Howard made this show respectable! Howard made this show the number one live non-sports show of the summer! Your jealousy of Howard is disgusting! And you will never be Howard, no matter whose job you steal!"

    [​IMG]

    Above: Supermodel Heidi Klum defends Howard Stern, whom she secretly loves.

    Cowell dried his face with the American flag scarf he'd been wearing all day -- a thinly veiled attempt to copy Stern. "Poor Heidi. I always knew you were in love with Howard. You too, Mel B. And that's another reason why I had to 'X' him out of the show. I was jealous of your love for him."

    Mel B roared. The tears streaming down her face only confirmed Cowell's accusation.

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    Above: Mel B also secretly loves Howard Stern.

    Dozens of security guards were dispatched to calm the riotous crowd, and to escort the cowardly Cowell to safety.

    "I'm a weak and petty man," Cowell, still miked, confessed to the bodyguard who was carrying him like a baby. "But I'm glad I aided North Korea in the Sony hacks, and I will have my revenge. Howard Stern may have won this battle, but he hasn't won the war."
     
  2. Daveindiego

    Daveindiego Confirmed Internet Legend

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    What is Americas Got Talent?
     
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  3. FishySausage

    FishySausage Original Nuttah VIP Gold

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  4. the G-man

    the G-man Well-Known Member

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    I think Buchwald miscalculated with this one.

    Expect a number of articles coming out now about how shitty the ratings were and how overpaid Howard was
     
  5. HypocriteHowie

    HypocriteHowie VIP Extreme Gold

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    Notice Simon didn't steal Stern's wife.
     
  6. kinneyjames

    kinneyjames Well-Known Member

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    Yet.
     
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  7. Brokenbad

    Brokenbad Well-Known Member

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    Everything today is starting to feel like wrestling.
     
  8. Pete67

    Pete67 Well-Known Member

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    Well played...
     
  9. Drungle

    Drungle BADSTREET USA Gold

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    Great post! I totally believed it until I got to this part-
    "Some of you drove up to 12 hours and waited in the rain for another ten just to see your hero, and to witness the Thunderdome of excitement that he brings to this show -"
     
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  10. guruhugz

    guruhugz Well-Known Member

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    I cannot wait to see the ratings
     
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  11. Rupert Pupkin

    Rupert Pupkin That Ass is Attached to Daniela Lopez

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  12. Rescued Owl

    Rescued Owl VIP Extreme Gold

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    "I'm a weak and petty man," Cowell, still miked, confessed to the bodyguard who was carrying him like a baby.
    :spit:
     
  13. Tinman

    Tinman Well-Known Member

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    Benny, you're a little Stinker.:jj:
     
  14. Petal

    Petal A girl in a sea of mults

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    Oh you, Benjamen!!! ;)

    [​IMG]
     
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  15. zhukov

    zhukov Time Traveler VIP

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    sounds completely tongue in cheek.

    he could not care less about Wigsy.
     
  16. lovetalkradio

    lovetalkradio Well-Known Member Banned User

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    He wasn't. Just another smoke and mirror job by Fuckwad.
     
  17. Patron

    Patron Well-Known Member Banned User

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    lol
     
  18. Mulletude

    Mulletude I'm Big In The Hate Club, Ya Know VIP

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    [​IMG]
     
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  19. Turkeyneck

    Turkeyneck Howard's got one, not me

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    I can't wait to hear the wigs' excuses for the sudden boost in ratings. It will drive him fucking nuts.
     
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  20. Vincenzo69

    Vincenzo69 Well-Known Member

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    Can we get higher!