Stern Show social media is celebrating Private Parts, 22 years after its release: In case anyone wants to tweet them reminders of some of the stuff Howard says in "one of the best books ever written," here's a CliffsNotes version of my review from earlier this year: THE DEDICATION Then: “To my wife, Alison, … who never gave a shit about material things … who loved me before I had a radio show.” Now: Married the ultimate material girl, who lives for five-figure designer handbags and dresses, jewelry that costs more than cars and even houses, and has a $10,000,000 closet – just in her third home. ON STAYING WITH YOUR WIFE AND KIDS Then: “If you have kids, you live with the kids. You don’t move out on your wife. You stay with her even if you banged her nine thousand times and you’re sick of it. You stay with her anyway. Nobody follows that. They don’t realize that’s the secret to life. When you’ve got kids, you raise them.” Now: Divorced six years after writing this, leaving his wife to raise the kids. Claims he went on a “mad tear” after he left, using every woman he met for sex before settling down with a woman 18 years younger than him. ON CATS Then: “My mother was convinced that pets actually drain energy out of the humans who own them. To this day, I swear, if I’m feeling a little rundown, I walk around my house thinking that our cat is like Cujo or something." Now: Owns six resident cats, and houses dozens of foster kittens throughout the year. Is trying to get audience and friends to donate $7 million dollars to build playground resort for homeless cats in the Hamptons. ON CHILDREN’S BOOKS Then: “First of all, it’s easy to write a children’s book. I have to make up stories every night for my kids. Last night I made up one right on the spot for my daughters: Once upon a time there was a daddy who ripped out a cat’s uterus. Then he ripped off its claws. Then he chopped off its head. And it lived happily ever after.” Now: His second wife recently wrote and published a children’s book about a cat with a sad heart who becomes cured when he’s adopted into the Stern home and discovers his purpose. He promotes her follow-up book almost daily on his show. VARIOUS GAY STUFF 1) Howard jerked off his friend: “Then, at this tender age , I had my first homosexual experience. … One day at my house my stupid friends suggested that we masturbate … each other. I wasn’t interested in him seeing my little dick, so I reluctantly agreed to help him out. He pulled his pants down around his ankles. I started to rub his dick up and down when he told me I was doing it all wrong.” 2) Howard desperately wanted Alison to stick fingers up his asshole during sex, and his desire eventually got so bad that he had to do it to himself: “What I figure is someone did fuck [Alison] in the ass and it was a disaster. All I know is that there’s no drug or liquor strong enough on the planet Earth to get her to do that. I even tried to ease her into it by sticking a finger or two up there but she freaked out and said she was uncomfortable. Finally, I asked her if she would do that to me. I even went on my TV show and during a takeoff on ‘The Newlywed Game’ that we called the Sternlywed’s Game, I said the one thing I’d like to do sexually that my wife won’t do is have fingers up the butt. Still nothing. So far, she’s gotten as far as spreading my cheeks apart. It got so bad that I tried to do it myself one night when I was in the shower. I lathered up my butt and put my finger up there, but I didn’t get turned on.” ONE LAST THING ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY (IT'S AN IMMATURE CHOICE TO AVOID RESPONSIBILITY) Then: “The truth is, I am one of the world’s leading authorities on homosexuality, and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight on why men become homosexuals. Many people today lean toward the revisionist theory that homosexuality is biologically determined. In my opinion, homosexuality is just another way of denying adulthood. When you’re with another guy you don’t have to deal with the responsibilities of a traditional family. You extend the joys of your prepubescense. You’re stuck in the phase of your life where you just hang out with the boys. It’s a simpler time. And a gross sign of immaturity. I believe homosexual behavior is not genetic but a deeply rooted defense mechanism that allows the human mind to ward off outside pressures. Like obsessive-compulsive behavior, alcoholism, or gambling addictions, homosexual behavior can be changed.” Now: Howard recently declared, "Gay people are God's gift to the world." ON TRUE LOVE AND TRUST Then: “I’ve got to admit, it’s somewhat tempting to [get a little money in my pocket and dump Alison]. But I love my wife and my wife loved me when I was a bum. She was actually proud of me and brought me to her parents’ house, even when I had no job. And her parents treated me like a human being even though I disgusted myself. I wanted to be in radio but I had no voice, no delivery, nothing. But they treated me as if I was normal. “So when I get tempted by one of these little bims, I look at my bim and I know that she’s the best bim on the planet for me. I’m never going to do any better. She truly loves me. And true love is a hard thing to find, remember that. I trust my wife, and I’m so paranoid I don’t trust anybody. I know she would never betray me. Any woman I meet now I could never trust.” Now: Has no relationship with his wife’s family. Doesn’t trust his wife alone with other men (not for a massage, not for a photo shoot – because he doesn’t trust men to control themselves around her, he claims). Insists on wearing condoms every time they have sex (and keeps the condoms locked away in a safe). FINALLY: ROBIN WILLIAMS Then: Now: Howard is still in mourning over the death of his beloved Robin, a comedy genius. And Jay Leno is an unfunny thief!!!