I'm Libra! Ugh! ARIES March 21 to April 20 Greedy, argumentative, restless, wilful and self-obsessed, you are the zodiac’s permanently enraged adolescent. You have a problem with authority — show you a no-entry sign and you’re up the forbidden highway like a ferret up a drainpipe. Consequently, the nation’s A&Es are an Arian’s second home. Pathologically competitive, you have to come first and you’ll do anything to win — your concept of fair play means that you triumph. And subtle you’re not: you blunder through the world like Tigger gone rogue. Favourite deadly sin: Wrath. It’s straightforward, uncomplicated and requires hardly any brain power. Something that’s useful for you. Just try to keep a lid on your road rage. Romance: You’re a notches-on-the-bedpost guy or girl who always needs to be told you’re the best lover ever. Your affairs burn for, oh, several days, during which you are extravagantly possessive. Friendships: You have rules for friends — do everything you say, admire your every action and never, ever criticise. You must be in control at every social event and get ragingly jealous if any of your friends do anything better than you. Dream jobs: Explorer — so you can be the first and brag about it. Firefighter — finally, the chance to be a real hero. Just don’t be tempted to start the fires. TAURUS April 21 to May 21 You’re stupendously dull and move only when poked by a stick. A hidebound reactionary, you’re superglued into a rut several metres deep. You are an obstinate authoritarian with an overpowering urge for money. Your refusal to say the word ‘adapt’, let alone ‘change’, is a result of a lack of imagination. Your little bully brain can’t cope with anything complex, so you do nothing — and get buried alive by avalanches you refuse to notice. Favourite Deadly Sin: Greed. ‘I’ll have them all, now’ is your first thought as a rush of desire for new stuff fogs your brain. Romance: Good men and women have suffocated from boredom in your bed. You resent any attempt to bring spontaneity or novelty to proceedings. Friendships: There’s a reason why the bull stands alone in a field. Partly it’s your murderous, though rare temper, but mostly it’s your obsession with money. After days of discussing your pension plans and investments, people lose the will to live. Dream jobs: Property magnate — show you an unspoiled architectural masterpiece and you see identikit executive flats. Asset stripper — as you’re so insensitive to other’s feelings. GEMINI May 22 to June 22 Under a layer of stage-school sincerity lurks a cold-hearted, bad-mouthing rumour-monger, scavenging information to do the dirty on someone later. You’re the con artist with a cheeky grin who detaches babies from their candy and laughs as you leave them crying. And you’re never satisfied. You always suspect there’s a more exciting party you’re not invited to. To block this out, you have to be entertained at all times. You’re in a permanent mid-life crisis — an irresponsible, discontented commitment-phobe still wearing a baseball cap backwards at 45. Favourite Deadly Sins: Only the one? You need two for each twin. Pride (you know you look good), lust (because it’s fun), envy (of nice, shiny things) and greed. Greed is good. Romance: You must never be bored in bed — woe betide a partner who doesn’t keep you entertained. For you, romance is about being with one lover while flirting with the next two. Friendships: Born to network, at parties you constantly look over people’s shoulders, your radar on high alert for anyone prettier, more famous or more likely to get you that job. Dream jobs: Triple agent — you love to outwit people. Office gossip — there’s nothing as satisfying as fawning and flattery. CANCER June 23 to July 23 Grumpy, moody, tetchy and devious — not Snow White’s dwarves but a summary of your defining gracelessness. You distrust life and have no faith in the future. This can make you very sentimental — and you well up at anything lonely or hopeless. You love to whine. You look for perceived slights and remember everything nasty ever said about you. You never give away anything people could use against you — you would use it against them. Favourite Deadly Sin: Sloth. The paralysing immobility that comes when you let despair get you in its grip. Romance: If you see someone you fancy, your strategy is to go into another room or ignore them in a pointed fashion so they do the chasing. That way, when it goes wrong, no one can jeer at you. Friendships: You can relate to someone only if you feel needed. Clingy and manipulative, you’re master of the ‘mum manoeuvre’ — using long silences, suffocating devotion and mood swings to get people to do what you want. Dream jobs: Agony aunt — so you can revel in vicarious suffering. Hermit — gloomy and you get to wear a hair shirt. LEO July 24 to August 23 Leos are all kings (or queens), but deep within your roaring lion heart you know you’re an arrogant, intolerant, pompous, self-centred bully. You absolutely have to be adored by everyone, which is your downfall because you’re easily flattered and fail to notice while you’re blissing out that others are stealing your powers. You expect the world to revolve around you. When it doesn’t, you plunge into grand imperial sulk mode. You have double standards — what you deserve and what’s good enough for everyone else. And you’re never, ever wrong. Favourite Deadly Sin: Pride. It’s known as the sin from which all others arise and you just love to be up with the top people. Romance: It’s all about performance and applause. But you focus so hard on style, posturing and execution, you fail to notice your partner has gone to sleep. Friendships: Leos don’t relate — they form alliances or allow themselves to be worshipped. A fearful snob, you ally yourself with people who make you look good — the powerful, important or just plain rich. Dream jobs: Monarch — what better way to boss others about? Megastar — finally, the love of the little people. VIRGO August 24 to Sep 23 Virgos are negative, tiny-hearted fusspots obsessed with detail who do nothing but carp and criticise. You’re never wrong — but, if you are, you’d kill your firstborn rather than admit it. First impressions are cast in stone. If you met the Boston Strangler on a good day, you’d maintain he was a great guy. You spend a lot of time obsessing about your health. It’s amazing how many diseases you contract — there’s no healing therapy you haven’t tried. You’re a sucker for cults, faux gurus and food fads. Favourite Deadly Sin: Vanity — insufferably pleased with yourself, cruelly critical of everyone else. Romance: Just like the service of your car, you do sex by the manual. (Lucky partner!) And when asked afterwards how it was for you, you deliver a comprehensive report. Friendships: Want to know how you alienate people so thoroughly? It’s the little things, like sneering at non-organic aubergine dip. What you want from a friend is a punchbag to pummel with general put-downs. Dream jobs: Forensic accountant — nothing like endless, boring nitpicking. Censor — mixes prudery, perversion and telling others what they shouldn’t think.