News The Onion's greatest headline ever

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by SouthernListen, Sep 18, 2015.

  1. SouthernListen

    SouthernListen I don't follow the crowd. Sorry about that. VIP

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    Those jokesters even fooled Drudge.

    Obama to nominate first openly gay service secretary to lead the Army

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    Greg Jaffe September 18 at 3:25 PM
    President Obama, in a historic first for the Pentagon, has chosen to nominate Eric Fanning to lead the Army, a move that would make him the first openly gay civilian secretary of one of the military services.

    Fanning’s nomination is the latest in a series of actions taken by the administration to advance the rights of gays and lesbians throughout the federal government. The Obama administration has overhauled internal policies to provide benefits to same-sex partners, appointed gay men and lesbians to the executive branch and the federal bench and ended the 18-year ban on gays serving openly in the military.

    Fanning, who must still be confirmed by the Senate, has been a specialist on defense and national security issues for more than 25 years in Congress and the Pentagon. As Army secretary, he would be partnered with Gen. Mark Milley, who took over as the Army’s top general in August. Together the two men would assume responsibility for the Pentagon’s largest and most troubled service.

    “Eric brings many years of proven experience and exceptional leadership to this new role,” Obama said in a statement. “I look forward to working with Eric to keep our Army the very best in the world.”

    The Army, which swelled to about 570,000 active duty troops, has shed about 80,0000 soldiers from its ranks in recent years and plans to cut 40,000 more over the next few years. Those planned cuts would shrink the service to its smallest size of the post-World War II era.

    Eric Fanning tours Air Force bases
    Play Video0:57
    Eric Fanning visited several Air Force bases in 2013. At the time, Fanning was the acting secretary of the Air Force. (DVIDS)
    Battered by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Army has had to deal with a spike in suicides as the wars drew to an end and has struggled at times to provide the war wounded with the care they need to heal.

    Recently, the Army’s outgoing top officer, Gen. Ray Odierno, said that tight budgets and the ongoing strain of 14 years of war had badly degraded the Army’s readiness to fight and that only one-third of its brigades were prepared to deploy to a war zone, the lowest readiness rate in decades.

    Fanning’s role as Army secretary would give him influence over the generals the Army selects to rebuild the service after a long stretch of counterinsurgency wars in which soldiers dismounted from their tanks and armored vehicles and found themselves leading foot patrols through remote villages.

    Much of Fanning’s time in the Pentagon has been overseeing massive ship and aircraft programs. Defense Secretary Ashton Carter tapped Fanning last year to oversee his transition team as he moved into the Pentagon’s top job.

    Fanning served briefly as acting Air Force secretary and has been acting undersecretary of the Army since June 2015.

    “He understands how the Pentagon works and how to get things done in the Pentagon,” said Rudy de Leon, who was deputy defense secretary in the Clinton administration. “He knows what works and what doesn’t work” inside the federal government’s largest bureaucracy.

    Fanning would play a key role in helping the Army, which has struggled to field new combat systems amid the strain of fighting two wars, to upgrade aging tanks, armored personnel carriers and helicopters. Since 2000, the Army has been forced to cancel virtually all of its major new weapons programs because they ran over budget or didn’t perform as expected.
     
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  2. yaddc

    yaddc Well-Known Member

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    Ya wanna play games do ya lol
     
  3. HorseFanNetwork

    HorseFanNetwork Well-Known Member

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    this was always one of my favorites
    Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

    PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death. “For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral. “Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.” Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.
     
  4. unclefreddy

    unclefreddy Well-Known Member

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    This is my personal favorite. This was published before 9/11
    http://www.theonion.com/article/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros-464


    Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
    WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."
    <img src="http://onionimg.local/750/original/600.jpg">[​IMG]
    President-elect Bush vows that "together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us."
    "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."
    Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.
    During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.
    "You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"
    On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.
    Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.
    Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."
    Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
    Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."
    "Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."
    <img src="http://onionimg.local/751/original/600.jpg">[​IMG]
    Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for America's return to aggression.
    Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."
    The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.
    "Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."
    "For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."
    An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.
    "After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."
    "You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."
    Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.
    "We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
    "The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
     
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  5. ChimneySweep

    ChimneySweep Well-Known Member

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    Onion rules. The fake news clips on YouTube are priceless.

    Total classic...
     
  6. Richard Tucker

    Richard Tucker Well-Known Member

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    My favorite Onion headline is "Why do these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?!"
     
  7. ChimneySweep

    ChimneySweep Well-Known Member

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  8. PI Nate

    PI Nate Disenfranchised since 1984... Gold

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  9. Woof

    Woof Liver Shots? VIP

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  10. ChimneySweep

    ChimneySweep Well-Known Member

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  11. monsoon

    monsoon Who are you with?

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    :lol: love the Onion
     
  12. SouthernListen

    SouthernListen I don't follow the crowd. Sorry about that. VIP

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    Lster, Head Censor and CrucifiedAGT like this.
  13. ChimneySweep

    ChimneySweep Well-Known Member

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    OK, I won't post them all, but a couple more of my favorites... :c



     
  14. hidden dragon

    hidden dragon the princess of darkness Staff Member

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  15. HorseFanNetwork

    HorseFanNetwork Well-Known Member

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    "gary you need to bring this Onion guy in for the show"
     
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  16. Eclipse754

    Eclipse754 Well-Known Member

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  17. chapped

    chapped Well-Known Member

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    Best one ever was the T ball one

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2015
  18. JameGumb

    JameGumb We're all out of toner!

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  19. HorseFanNetwork

    HorseFanNetwork Well-Known Member

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    every once in a while, the onion will post an actual legit article. it just seemed outrageous enough to be one of their own.
     
  20. Quality Control

    Quality Control dove Gold

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    My favorite stories on The Onion are always about Joe Biden. They've created an alter-ego for him that sells weed, steals copper wire and sells it, washes his bitchin' Thunderbird in jean shorts, presents awards at the AVN award show. You name it and that debaucherous breh is doin' it in The Onion.

    Edit:

    Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    NEWS IN BRIEFJanuary 20, 2015
    VOL 51 ISSUE 03 Politics · Politicians · Joseph Biden
    WASHINGTON—Speaking to reporters as he ran a tattered extension cord along the House of Representatives rostrum this afternoon, Vice President Joe Biden confirmed that he had arrived early in order to set up a fog machine for tonight’s State of the Union address. “This baby kicks out the fog like you wouldn’t believe, but you gotta give her plenty of time to warm up if you want the whole room to fill up real thick,” said Biden while carefully mixing water and glycerin according to his own homemade “fog juice” recipe, which he explained he’d been using since his brief stint as a roadie on White Lion’s Pride tour in 1987. “I wanted to do this thing up right with a whole laser rig and shit, but that would’ve set me back mucho dinero. But don’t you worry; Uncle Joe knows a few tricks with strobes that’ll get the crowd going.” At press time, Biden was reportedly double-checking the timers on a set of flash pots in order to avoid another congressional aide losing their fingers in a pyrotechnic mishap.