The Top U.S. Cities for Douchebags

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Diogenes1, Mar 12, 2014.

  1. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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  2. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    [h=2]15. ANAHEIM, CA[/h]
    Anaheim would be wise to build a bio-dome over the entire city. Not only would this keep all the aerosol from Axe Body Spray from reaching the atmosphere, but it would form a secure perimeter to keep out social scientists looking to study all the grown men who prefer their tattoos tribal and still wear Big Johnson T-shirts.
     
  3. Kanye West

    Kanye West Yeezus!

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    96th :cheer:
     
  4. Stevie

    Stevie Now go...Ohm.

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    58th



    :cheer:
     
  5. Gas Face

    Gas Face Well-Known Member

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    Diogenes must be from Laredo.
     
  6. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    [h=2]14. PITTSBURGH, PA[/h]If douchebags ever form their own political party, the national convention should be held in Pittsburgh. Not only is Pennsylvania a swing state, but it’s also home to Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who would make an extremely douchie nominee for President.

    [h=2]13. BAKERSFIELD, CA[/h]If a rap group ever forms called Douchie-D and D-Bag Disciples it would have no trouble finding members amongst Bakersfield, California‘s abundant douchebag population. The city is prime habitat for hundreds of California’s biggest douches. Also, the band Korn is from Bakersfield. Korn.

    [h=2]12. WICHITA, KS[/h]
    Someday, when Nickelback is but an embarrassing musical memory in America’s consciousness, the band will still play sold out shows in Wichita. The city is sadly home to the most dudes proudly supporting the douchiest band in the land. However, before you flee Wichita, please know Nickelback fans still only make up 5% of the male population. That’s five times more than Oakland, California, but it’s by no means a majority.
    [h=2]11. TUCSON, AZ[/h]If you were lost in the desert, and douchebags were water, Tucson would be an unparalleled oasis. The city has plenty of bros, tools, and d-bags of various styles roaming the town. However, if you’d prefer a smaller city in Arizona, consider the bro-tropolis of Tempe, Arizona. It’s too small to be included in our list of 100 cities but if it had, it would have out-douched Tucson in half the categories, with a higher percentage of fans of Chris Brown, Vin Diesel, mixed martial arts, Dane Cook, and Tosh.0.
    [h=2]10. NORFOLK, VA[/h]
    R&B singer Chris Brown is hemorrhaging fans worldwide, but not in Norfolk. The convicted domestic abuser and total douche is a loathsome troll, but Norfolk still maintains a loyal base of support for Team Breezy. Ladies of Norfolk be warned: Seven percent of Norfolk men are openly fans of Chris Brown. That’s a definite black eye on the city.
    [h=2]9. TOLEDO, OH[/h]
    If World War III ever breaks out, and D-bags form their own army, Toledo will definitely be the bunker they cower in. One can imagine them now, busily bragging about all the awesome war they’re going to wage, all while holding each other back from engaging the enemy. With so many douchebags in Toledo, it’s surprising the city’s own Katie Holmes had to go all the way to Hollywood to meet Tom Cruise.
    [h=2]8. MILWAUKEE, WI[/h]
    Right now, in Milwaukee, there are probably a hundred dudes across the city catching some rays in a tanning bed. Of those, half are finding inspiration reading Donald Trump’s autobiography. A quarter of those have actually written fan mail to Paris Hilton. And one of those is definitely Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun.
    [h=2]7. COLORADO SPRINGS, CO[/h]
    If residents of Colorado Springs had to put a dollar in the douchebag jar every time they thought they saw Kirk Cameron drive past in a Mazda Miata while blasting Creed, they could easily raise enough money to pay off the national debt in a month.
    [h=2]6. GLENDALE, AZ[/h]
    If there is an alien race of douchebags on another planet that suddenly arrive on Earth, the’ll head straight to Glendale to live amongst the city’s d-bags. However, if those douchebag aliens have to leave it’s humanity’s hope that they take sports pundit Skip Bayless with them.
    [h=2]5. CORPUS CHRISTI, TX[/h]
    If you’re ever lost, you can walk into the nearest Gold’s Gym, and if you see someone on the bench press wearing a bluetooth and smoking an e-cigarette then you’ll know you’re in Corpus Christi, Texas.
    [h=2]4. AURORA, CO[/h]
    If the Walking Dead is ever remade, and the zombies are swapped out for douchebags, the show will definitely be filmed in Aurora, Colorado. Locals must already hide in their homes to avoid the crowds of douchie men roaming the streets at night, easily spotted by their popped collars, True Religion jeans, and frosted tips. To avoid douchebags, consider moving to Denver, which ranks a respectable 73rd on our list.
    [h=2]3. SAN ANTONIO, TX[/h]
    San Antonio would be the perfect city for Guy Fieri to launch a Benihana-style restaurant where diners cluster around deep fryers to eat overpriced fair food served by chefs in rodeo clown costumes. The meals would pair perfectly with a Bud Light Lime -flavored slushie served in an oversized fishbowl. It would be, to quote Fieri, “off the chain.”
    [h=2]2. EL PASO, TX[/h]
    There’s simply nothing like an El Paso summer’s eve. Everybody hops in Chad’s Hummer, they turn up Drake, hit the local bars for Jägerbombs and Amaretto sours, and then finish up with everyone getting a matching bellybutton piercing. It’s a daily douche-tastrophe in El Paso.
    [h=2]1. LAREDO, TX[/h]
    Laredo easily won the title of the Douchebag Capital of America, topping all other major cities in professed love for Ed Hardy, Vin Diesel, Axe BodySpray, and Monster Energy Drinks. While the majority of the city’s residents are far from douches, the border city still remains America’s premier douche-topia—a virtual d-bag theme park populated by some of the douchiest douchebags in all of America. Before it gets any douchier, Laredo should ban tribal tattoos, outlaw grown men from riding Razor scooters, and build a wall around itself to keep out reality TV loser Jon Gosselin. He’s the only person who loves Ed Hardy clothing more than the douchebags of Laredo.
     
  7. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    oh i was trying to remember your name . . now I can douche you.
     
  8. Lemmy

    Lemmy Douchebag Extraordinaire Gold

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  9. beatlejaws

    beatlejaws nowhere poster

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    most of the top 20 wear cowboy hats
     
  10. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    I thought for sure Boston would be in the top 10.
     
  11. P-B

    P-B Honourary Canuck Gold

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    This is just the kind of thread I would expect of an an accomplished published author.
     
  12. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    published? yes

    accomplished? that's debatable.
     
  13. gwartney

    gwartney Unafilliated Gold

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    Texas Represented well! :cheer:
     
  14. Danas Boyfrien

    Danas Boyfrien Trump's African American Gold

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    I'll take Ed Hardy faggots over gay ass Dinkus type hipsters any fucking day.
     
  15. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    why so many douchebags in texas?
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2014
  16. Gomez

    Gomez Well-Known Member

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  17. gwartney

    gwartney Unafilliated Gold

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    It's the way the men are raised. Watch Urban Cowboy some time.
     
  18. The Snork

    The Snork Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    Yes I was going to say ... any D bag list without Boston in the top 10 in not the top spot isn't worth the pixels its displayed with.
     
  19. Diogenes1

    Diogenes1 VIP Extreme Gold

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    there's lots of wigger spray tanned pink polo shirt coke head douchebags in miami, but not on the list. Texas must be crawling with 'em like Mexicans.
     
  20. Gomez

    Gomez Well-Known Member

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    Miami and L.A. - rated way too low :no: