I DARE YOU NOT TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AT THESE JOKES!!!! If you are drinking anything, make sure to swallow and put down your drink. Otherwise, this might happen! You have been warned. kyle simon https://twitter.com/kylesimonlol Assistant Writer / Producer at The Howard Stern Show Oct 4 Keep waiting for the Mets playoff game to come on, but I guess it's blacked out. Oct 9 Went to the post office to get a tramp stamp. Couldn't believe something that big and obnoxious only costs $.35 cents. Oct 19 Great special last night @artiequitter! I happen to know your drug addict trainer. Could you tell him to stop asking me for money? Oct 31 Some teenage girls rang my doorbell and asked for candy. I opened the door and told them I wasn't home. #Halloween Nov 24 In order to get justice, we need @BillCosby to sexually assault #Ferguson police officer #DarrenWilson. #FergusonDecision Dec 1 It's interesting how many believe Siri is a genius, when in reality she acts like she's deaf, dumb, and has Alzheimer's. Dec 9 It's crazy to think the creator of #VictoriaSecret killed himself by jumping off a bridge. Does he know what he's missing? #VSFashionShow Dec 13 Asked a girl taking a selfie if she wanted me to take the photo. Dec 13 Thank you so much for inviting me to your birthday party @taylorswift13! Sorry I couldn't come. I chose to stay home and do nothing instead. Dec 13 James Gandolfini would have been a great stand up comedian, even if he didn't tell jokes and only told stories about him grocery shopping. Dec 13 I'm not all that religious but id say a majority of the people who do #Santacon are Jewish. Your grandparents would all be ashamed of you. Dec 14 Today's purchases: iPhone 6 and Drano. I'd say Drano is more valuable. The next iPhone should have an unclogging feature. Dec 20 Ordering anything in a deli gives me anxiety, but watching somebody with Tourettes order something in a deli causes me even more anxiety. Dec 22 The only difference between Michelle Branch, Sara Barrielas, Vanessa Carlton, and Natasha Bedingfield is their period cycles. Dec 25 The Sony Pictures hackers promised to do something bad if #TheInterview came out on #Christmas. Guess they sent a nasty email or something.