Sports unnecessarily long Boston Celtics essay for no reason

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Mr Cachexic, Mar 11, 2016.

  1. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    in this massively verbose post, i will explain to you why the Celtics are likely to take a step back this summer instead of adding Durant and becoming the true east coast Warriors


    first I'd like to introduce you to Jordan Mickey, a 22 year old power forward who is going to end up being the biggest steal of his draft class
    -in 27 NBA minutes, hes put up 14 points, 7 rebounds (4 offensive), and 9 blocks

    just for fun, heres those numbers extrapolated to per-36 minute production: 18.7 points, 9.3 rebs, 12 blocks with just 2.7 fouls committed

    the per 100 possession numbers are just straight bonkers: 25 pts, 12.6 rebs, 16.2 blocks, Ortg- 123, Drtg- 91

    -Obviously he cant keep this pace once he gets real minutes against NBA competition, hes only played against starters in 1 of his 10 appearances and that was recently when Amir got into foul trouble early against Minnesota and he got some run in the 2nd quarter against T'wolves frontcourt, if memory serves.

    Amir Johnson is gone this summer. Jerebko is probably gone this summer just to clear up spots. Sullinger is a restricted free agent. Zeller seems unlikely to come back....don't be shocked if Mickey starts on opening night next year, before you label me an idiot let me explain:

    Boston has eight picks in this draft. obviously they arent drafting 5 second rounders, and i'd be shocked if they even used the 2 lower firsts due to the crowded nature of the roster already. that means trading picks for future picks or package a ton of shit into one deal for a positional upgrade, such as center.

    for those keeping score at home, we've already dropped Amir's non guaranteed deal for next year clearing both 12m in cap and a roster spot. Jerebko's option is an easy decline. Zeller is gone. Sullinger is a restricted free agent meaning we can match any offer sheet he signs and retain him or let him sign with the other team and keep the extra flexibility, more on sully later.

    Evan Turner is coming back but hes technically a free agent too...

    That now leaves 10 guaranteed contracts for next year, but James Young, Terry Rozier and perhaps RJ Hunter could be dealt basically for a bucket of chicken in order to clear up more room, depending on how the draft night deals go.

    so now that we've let Amir, Zeller and Jerebko walk, that leaves the frontcourt incredibly thin. before taking into consideration that this draft is littered with big men. if Sullinger is matched in RFA and returns to boston, that leaves our 3 top big men being Kelly Olynyk, Jared Sullinger, and Jordan Mickey. if sullinger doesnt return though, things get really interesting. the duo of Olynyk and Mickey has tantalizing potential. You have a 7 footer who hits 40% of his threes and plays solid team defense, and then you have a rangey 6 foot 9 rim protector with go-go gadget arms who can stretch the floor out to 18 feet.

    I'm not that guy who does the fake trades and FA signings and then show you how great of a 2k team i can make. instead, we're gonna assume nothing big happens trade wise

    SO that leaves 4 open roster spots (with sullinger) and 8 picks to fill them. the second rounders are likely to be stash picks in europe unless they can be flipped for future 2nds

    before the draft, our theoretical roster looks like this

    IT, Smart, Rozier
    AB, Hunter
    Crowder, Turner, Young
    Olynyk, Mickey
    Sullinger

    if the draft was tomorrow the picks would fall in this order....4, 16, 24, 31, 35, 46, 52, 58

    Dragan Bender is the projected 4th pick right now, thats another young 7 footer who can shoot, though a complete mystery as to how good he really is

    Denzel Valentine is the projected 16th pick. he would fit seemlessly into that second unit with his diverse skill set and most importantly his ability to spread the floor from outside

    Timothe Lawawu is projected at 24 but hes another wing and im going to revise this pick into being the 30th projected pick, 7 footer AJ Hammons....best case scenario would really be Damian Jones falling to 24 but we'll settle with Hammons

    the second round is a complete shit chute, so im not even touching it upon further inspection, but those 3 players would make the Celtics depth chart look like this with one extra spot still left over for either one of those 2nd rounders or a free agent

    pg: IT, Smart, Rozier
    sg: AB, Hunter, Young
    sf: Crowder, Turner, Valentine
    pf: Olynyk, Mickey, Bender
    c: Sullinger, Hammons

    this roster would be an immediate step back, but the potential of Bender could change the tone of the entire franchise if he comes over and plays like Porzingis did.

    Valentine is an NBA ready player and would probably start on the wing for multiple teams in the league right now, despite that low draft status due to him being almost 23 years old


    so there you have it...the 2016/17 Boston Celtics!

    dont get overly excited, enjoy this year while we're contenders again, it might be another year or two of struggling as the youngest team in the league would get even younger if these moves were to happen

    either way....danny ainge is a genius and will almost certainly improve the talent rather than going young and developing, which is what my scenario here suggests the celtics might have to do


    tl;dr
     
  2. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    Well yeah
     
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  3. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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  4. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    If Kevin Durant is ever looking to actually leave OKC - BOS may be just the perfect place.

    He won't be accused of chasing rings like Liberace (with Golden St.) and he'll the same scoring opportunities he did at OKC.
     
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  5. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    durant would put up 30 a night in boston with coach steven's up tempo motion-y offense. crowder and bradley score 15 with ease and efficiency, imagine what durant could do with those high hand offs around picks on the perimeter...okc just has never had much of an offensive system...its just handing russ and kd the ball and letting them out-talent the other team, which usually works since theyre both cyborgs but in boston it would just come so much easier for durant
     
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  6. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    It would also make Isaiah Thomas a near 10 assist guy - And hopefully by THAT time Evan Turner will be the Scottie Pippen I think he can be fully formed.
     
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  7. Stag

    Stag Well-Known Member VIP

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    I would have preferred to read an essay about your favorite Matt Dillion story.
     
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  8. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    Westbrook's 25 pts 11 rebs and 20 asts the other night was the first guy to do that since Magic in the 80s. And I think the only one ever '- along side Magic, Oscar, and Chamberlain???

    The only thing is - Westbrook is only 6-3.
     
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  9. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    Thomas is a freak right now. throwing crazy passes all over the place and has 0 turnovers every night lately....its not normal. Thomas is legitimately pushing himself into top 6 or 7 point guard territory. when he got to boston he basically was a guy who put up empty stats, now hes flirting with 20 and 10 every single night, you can Visually see the difference...its been amazing to watch him become a monster

    turner is definitely the big shot bob of our team. one of the single most clutch players in the nba, has the best off the dribble mid range game in basketball, at 6'7 creates like a point guard and is able to cover 3 positions defensively(he even played the 4 for a couple minutes in one of the recent games with Smart at the sf...

    our "lineup of death" with IT, AB, Smart/Turner, Crowder and Olynyk is absolutely devastating
     
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  10. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    he had 7 assists in the first 5 minutes of that game....im sorry but Westbrook is the best player on earth not named Curry or Durant.
     
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  11. crazypreacher

    crazypreacher reDragon Gold

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    Durant scares me because he's a tall guy with foot problems and doesn't play defense.
     
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  12. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    I haven't seen a player LOOK and move like a point guard at Turner's size since Penny Hardaway.
     
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  13. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    yeah i mean Tyreke as a rookie was pretty special but its incredibly rare.
     
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  14. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    He has odd lil glitches in his game. They're saying he's actually 6-11 (with that wing span) and YET ....he doesn't ever go to the offensive glass with any threat. Like 98% of his rebounds are defensive rebounds.
     
  15. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    That's a GOOD comparison - not quite as tall as Turner but VERY close in game and style.
     
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  16. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    another thing regarding westbrook....hes putting up numbers this year that havent been matched since FAT LEVER

    i have a la'fat denver nuggets jersey that is fucking killer
     
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  17. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    I tracked that whole game because Westbrook is on my fantasy team.

    And that's dead on by you. It first hit me he had 6 assists in the first 4 minutes.
     
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  18. ARM

    ARM Well-Known Member

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    Wwwhaaaaaaaat??? Aren't you too young for Fat Lever??

    How the fuck do you have his Denver jersey? Where do they even sell it?? I've yet to see hardwood classics release it??

    I could get it custom made I guess??
     
  19. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    just for some frame of reference here

    hes taller than dwight by about 2 inches....so either Dwight isnt 6'10 or durant is about KG's height

    hes also easily taller than Kanter, i would put money on Durant being 7 or 7'1 with shoes. at 17 when he signed with Texas he was 6'9 and just never changed his listing despite obviously growing about 3 inches. he physically looks different in Seattle than he does now in OKC
     
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  20. Mr Cachexic

    Mr Cachexic Well-Known Member Banned User

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    yeah Lever was too early for me to see live but my grandfather was in love with him and my father ended up buying a La'fat jersey in denver when he was driving truck over the road....it was for my grandfather but was later given to me
     
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