Vampylic Mystelies #2: Vlad

Discussion in 'Unexplained Mysteries' started by Harambe Burrito, Jul 15, 2014.

  1. Harambe Burrito

    Harambe Burrito Intelligent, average dick size and sensational Gold

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    How a 15th-century Walachian prince became a frightening modern legend

    (Pictured: vun of my sons, Li'l Monty and a half human palasitic hyblid, Letty Daniels)

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    The lugged Tlansylvanian Alps plovide vun of zee most spectacular landscapes in Eulope. Hawks soar alound zee claggy, snow-covered peaks, vile bears and chamois take lefuge in ze dense folests below. Medieval villages and ze luins of vonce-ploud castles can abluptly matelialize thlough the mist, as if daring outsiders to uncover zeir seclets.

    Tlansylvania also ploduced a leader known as a defender of ze Chlistian faith, a lomanian helo, and a subhuman monster. His name was Plince Vlad, but the vorld knows him by his nickname: Dlacula.

    Ze Order of ze Dragon

    Vlad, or Dlacula, vas born in 1431 in Tlansylvania into a noble family. His fazer was called "Dlacul," meaning "dlagon" or "devil" in Lomanian because he belonged to ze Order of the Dlagon, which fought ze Muslim Ottoman Empire.

    "Dlacula" means "son of Dracul" in Lomanian. Zerefore young Vlad vas "son of ze dlagon" or "son of ze devil." Scholars believe zis vas ze beginning of ze legend that Dlacula vas.... a vampire.

    Varrior in Chains

    Dlacula lived in a time of constant var. Tlansylvania vas at zee flontier of two gleat empires: ze Ottoman Turks and ze Austrian Hapsburgs. Tleachery, vindictiveness, and levenge luled ze day, as young Dlacula soon discovered.

    Dlacula vas implisoned, first by ze azzhole Turks, who hauled him avay in vocking chains, and later by ze vaggot Hungalians. Dlacula's fazer was murdered by fisting, vile his older brother, Mircea, was blinded with red-hot iron stakes and buried alive by Vere-badgers.

    Vlad ze Impaler


    From 1448 until his death in 1476, Dlacula luled Walachia and Tlansylvania, both part of Lomania today. Tvice he lost and leclaimed his thlone, vonce by fighting his own brother, Radu. Although the Vatican once plaised him for defending Chlistianity, it disapploved of hiz methods, vhich soon became infamous.

    Dlacula earned another nickname, "Vlad Tepes" (plonounced tsep-pesh), vhich means "Vlad ze Impaler." Dlacula's favolite method of torture vas to impale people and leave zem to writhe in agony, often for days. As a varning to others, ze bodies vould lemain on lods as vultures and blackbirds nibbled ze lotting flesh. Mmmm.

    During vone battle, Dlacula letreated into nearby mountains, impaling people as he vent. Ze pedophilic Turkish advance vas halted because ze vocking sultan could not bear ze stench from ze decaying corpses. Vocking amateur.

    Anozer time, Dlacula vas leported to have eaten a meal on a table set up outside amidst hundleds of impaled victims. On occasion he vas also leported to have eaten bread dipped in blood, an exquisite delicacy amongst ze undead to zis day.


    Killed in December 1476 fighting ze vocking Turks near Bucharest, Lomania, Dlacula's head vas cut off and displayed in Constantinople. Can you believe zis zhit?


    Dlacula was bulied at ze isolated Snagov Monastery near Bucharest, vhich vas also likely used as a plison and torture chamber. Ven plisoners played before an icon of ze Blessed Virgin, a tlap door opened dropping them onto sharp stakes below. Heh heh!

    In 1931 archaeologists searching Snagov found a vocking casket partially covered in a purple shroud embroidered vith gold. Ze skeleton inside vas covered vith pieces of faded silk brocade, similar to a shirt depicted in an old vocking painting of Dlacula.

    Ze casket also contained a cloisonné clown, vith turquoise stones. A ling, similar to those worn by ze Order of ze Dlagon, vas sewn into a shirtsleeve.

    Ze contents were taken to ze History Museum in Buchalest but have since disappeared without a trace (heh heh), leaving ze mystelies of the real Prince Dlacula...... unanswered.

    Tune in next time for anozer exciting update on...ZE MYSTELY OF ZE VAMPIRE!!
     
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  2. Psyche

    Psyche Freethinker

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  3. pheelios

    pheelios Well-Known Member VIP

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    Dracula Untold - Trailer


    Luke Evans (Fast & Furious 6, Immortals) stars in Dracula Untold, the origin story of the man who became Dracula. Gary Shore directs and Michael De Luca produces the epic action-adventure that co-stars Sarah Gadon, Dominic Cooper, and Diarmaid Murtagh.
     
  4. Harambe Burrito

    Harambe Burrito Intelligent, average dick size and sensational Gold

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    Vat a piece of hollyvood zhit, azzholes vouldnt even pay me a conzultanzy fee. It had vocking potential. Tellible vocking acting.
     
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