"We've decided to move forward without your services" -- Fire someone vicariously--

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by 2Manboobs, Jan 10, 2013.

  1. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    I will be terminating 3 employees tomorrow for low-productivity/incompetence...However, I feel that the standard line that I've used for the last several years has grown outdated ....Help me to come up with a new, firm, yet definitive line for terminating the first batch of employees in 2013. I will share which line/speech I've chosen, use it to terminate the employees, and then share the reaction of each terminated employee, tomorrow

    Please remember that I work for a size-able corporation, therefore I must maintain a certain level of professionalism & decorum....


    ....Proceed


    [​IMG]
     
  2. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    You're fired.
     
  3. Daveindiego

    Daveindiego Confirmed Internet Legend Gold

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    "have a seat. Today is your last day working here."

    Get right to it. Get it over quick.
     
  4. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    "Sorry but you've been Daved"
     
  5. Mark Mayonnaise

    Mark Mayonnaise You look like a tree! VIP

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    :jj:
     
  6. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    Too insensitive
     
  7. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    Most already have a good idea that the ax is coming when I tell them I need to see them in my office ... But, I prefer to let them down easy (unless they've been a total pain in the ass, in which case I have absolutely no couth at all)...Most of them are decent people, they just suck at what they do..
     
  8. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    Is Dave synonymous with unemployment ??
     
  9. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    If you can hear me, you're fired.
     
  10. nserafini

    nserafini Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for coming in. Over the past months we have noticed a decline in your performance doing x y and z. Because of this we have chosen to no longer retain your services. ( Person ) from HR will provide you with a packet that includes your various paperwork and items. I also have to ask you to hand in your badges, mobile device and any other company property.

    Any questions about the packet info and forms should be directed to human resources, who's contact info is included in the packet. ( at this point you call the person assigned to walk them to their desk, get their property without touching a computer or property. They are escorted out )

    Oh, the op is an asshole for asking this. If you're seriously considering doing this to people who's lives you are about to forever change, maybe you should not be in this position. Looking someone in the eye and telling them you are going to fuck their wives and kids over isn't fun or a game.

    Be a fucking man, be honest and never ever say you are " sorry or I understand / I know how you feel ".
     
  11. GHP

    GHP New Member Banned User

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    That's what the California Welfare Office says
     
  12. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    is this a new thing, where we have to post in a serious manner and not be morons? :fil:
     
  13. Atomic Wedgie

    Atomic Wedgie Crash Victim

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    No shit, dude thinks this is real life.
     
  14. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    Good morning. I'm giving you the opportunity to seek excellence elsewhere. Fuck outta here.
     
  15. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    I handle each one with the complete professionalism ... I've always had the option of letting HR do it via messenger or over the phone, but that's never been my cup of tea... For the most part, I've had the final say-so in hiring these people, so I've always done the right thing (if they need to be terminated) and cut them loose face to face (unless, they're complete jerk-offs..In which case I send them home after I've reached my limit with their bullshit, and then have H.R. FedEx their Separation letter)....90% of these people have already had a verbal and a written warning, so very few of them react with total surprise... ... It sounds to me like you're just upset because you've gone through the wringer yourself a few times, no ?? .... I'm not changing their lives.. They've done it to themselves via their poor job performance...
     
  16. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    Mmmm.. I like that ...Except for the F-word, of course
     
  17. 2Manboobs

    2Manboobs New Member Banned User

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    I don't have any deaf people working for me
     
  18. MatthewT

    MatthewT Awaiting The Rapture VIP

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    Hey, guys, I don't know what this place would do without you, but starting Monday, we're going to give it our best shot.
     
  19. ice cream

    ice cream Well-Known Member

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    the employee is the one "fucking up " his wife and kids life for not caring enough about his job
     
  20. cheezedbyfate

    cheezedbyfate Well-Known Member

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    fuk...im outta here.....