Who paid attention to my daughter's writing last time I posted it?

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Slippy, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I've been given permission to release another chapter.

    It's a lot of reading, so leave the thread ASAP if the first story didn't catch you.
     
  2. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    The next thing I was aware of after the sensation of having my body entirely steamrollered, was a strange sense of loss.

    It ached in my heart as I opened my eyes. Everything was still spinning from the combination of the demon rye and the jump across the border between Earth and Hell.

    It was like the feeling of being left by your true love, or losing someone close to you. It was Hell, I realized to myself. God's light didn't reach here; not a single stone had ever felt it.

    The heat was overwhelming, hot and dry. My droplets of sweat seemed to be baked away before they even burst forth. The desert-like air burned my swollen throat and tasted heavily of copper and iron.

    I was gasping for air as I dragged myself over to the small child in the blood-covered shirt and hugged him close. He was shaking all over despite the heat.

    Seren and I sobbed against each other for a few moments, then I gathered my courage and looked at the scene surrounding us. The demon rye hit me again and everything doubled, giving me a fresh wave of dizziness and a certainty that the ground was pitching and rolling.

    I closed my eyes momentarily and took a deep breath.

    We were at the end of a dead-end rock tunnel with a high ceiling speckled in stalactite.

    The flat stone outcropping on which we sat overlooked the origin of a dark grey river, gushing up from underground into a wide, opaque body of water. The jagged rock walls and flat stone banks on either side of the river were a rich, dusty red.

    I supposed this had to be the River Styx.

    A scuffling sound made me lift my head from Seren and look to the left. I was pushing myself up onto all fours, trying to work some saliva into a mouth coated with that coppery dirt, but what I saw made all the strength drain out of my legs.

    I screamed involuntarily.

    The demons must have discarded their human skin upon entering Hell. Seren stared at the figures with his mouth wide in a silent scream of terror.

    Two nightmares loomed in front of us.

    I didn't think to wonder where the third one will be, or which one could be missing. My mind was busy trying to take in the bear with horns and lower half of a bulbous black spider.
     
  3. FatKidSullivan

    FatKidSullivan Smoking Cigars

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    She doesn't have what it takes to be a professional writer.
     
  4. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    The other was a giant, slick-looking reptilian creature with six stubby legs protruding from his sides. He looked like some kind of massive salamander--no, skink. Definitely a skink.

    The skink had a wide, flat head with far-apart liquid black eyes, and was furiously trying to dust the red dirt off his sticky coating of slime. He was using his first set of incredibly short legs with the three-toed handlike feet.

    It would have been comical if it wasn't so horrifying.

    "Where's Sloth?" It asked. It's forked tongue and lipless mouth spoke English--or I heard it as such--but the rasping voice was brand new.

    I wondered at the strange sound quality in the sweltering Hell air; it seemed to suck the strength out of every sound, so one's ears only heard the dry skeleton of what had been said.

    "Probably the Third." the bear with the spider's body spoke in a harsh, guttural voice.

    "Sloth's got a debt to the boatkeeper. Didn't even wanna warp us to the Origin at first. Sloth don't like the Styx."

    I looked down the tunnel, taking in again the red stone and the grey River that made not a single sound in spite of its rapid current.

    I took another look at Seren, clutching my lower leg, and despair filled me again at having failed him. I felt myself sobering up, but the harsh liquor still burned my insides.
     
  5. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    "Go talk to him," Ordered the demon with the eight spider's legs surrounding his black bulging sack of a bottom.

    Instead of having four on either side the legs were spaced evenly around him so he could skitter backwards, forwards and sideways with ease.

    I decided that this demon with his harsh, guttural grumble must be Diesel.

    I looked down the long, flat bank that ran on either side of the river with varying degrees of width until it disappeared around a gentle curve in the tunnel, sitting down in the dirt once again to put my arms around Seren.

    For the first time I saw that there was an ancient-looked boat tied to a stake not too far down on our side; it was hard to judge in the Hell air that shimmered with heat.

    Beside the long and rickety-looking boat was an incredibly tall, human-looking hooded figure wearing a heavy black robe. It trailed on the ground to obscure any feet it might've had, with sleeves that covered its hands.

    The figure carried a tall, thick staff. The boatkeeper, I concluded.

    The salamander-like demon swung his flat head around and scurried down the bank toward the figure on his six stub-like feet with three toes each.

    Though there was no source of illumination in the cave, it wasn't dark. Instead of light, it was as if there was a lack of shadow.

    When he reached the figure, Axis stood upright on his back pair of legs, wobbling dangerously. Full height he was as tall as the robed figure; probably ten feet, not including the tail.
     
  6. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I held Seren a little closer. The two of them could be clearly seen gesticulating, Axis' tongue darting in and out of his mouth. Strangely though, not a sound could be heard. It was as if the Hell air was too thick for soundwaves to penetrate the way they did in the human Realm.

    After a minute the six-legged skink slunk back, standing upright again to stare at demon with his wide-set black eyes.

    The lipless mouth spoke.

    "Boatman don't wanna take the pure soul. He wants a cut a' the profit for takin' the risk." Diesel pittered back and forth on his many legs almost on-the-spot. It seemed to be a sign of irritation.

    "Allright," he grunted with his bear face twisted grotesquely. I saw he had two adjacent sets of teeth, like a shark.

    "Tell him if it's a smooth ride he gets his damn cut."

    Axis scampered back to the boatman and they gesticulated again. After a minute of me holding Seren's quivering form close and hoping the hooded figure would refuse to take us--maybe even send us back to the mortal realm--the demon waved to us with its three-fingered hand.

    I flinched away from the hairy spider's legs as they neared me, scrambling to my feet. I pulled Seren up beside me and squeezed his small hand. His small face gaped at Diesel in a mask of fear, and he clutched my leg again.

    "What's'a matter, don't like our demon forms?"

    Seren just squeezed me tighter, refusing to look at the horned bear with the double rows of teeth.

    "They're only slightly more disgusting than your human ones," I said with as much force as I could. All of it dissipated upon contact with the hot air, as I had feared it would. Diesel only chuckled and I felt a rush of hatred that was fueled by the hollow aching feeling that came with entering the realm of Hell.

    "You broke our deal," I quavered, trying to square my shoulders defiantly. It was disheartening, the muted way my words sounded.
     
  7. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    "You were supposed to drop Seren off."

    "You didn't hold up your end," the creature growled back. "We didn't have no other souls to take, cause'a you. Now shut your mortal trap and get to the boat.

    "You're in Hell, sister. Consider yourself already dead."

    The boat--if you could call it that--looked like it was made of wicker, old and stained from what I could only assume was millennia of use.

    I couldn't believe it would hold me, let alone the two huge demons and the tall spectre, but the boat barely dipped in the water as each of us boarded. Even after Lexus had struggled comically with his six short legs to board and all of us were in it, the boat was hardly an inch lower in the grey water.

    I sat in what was either the stern or the prow, on the floor with my legs beneath the wooden bench, holding Seren, so neither of us would have to look at the River.

    After a minute of sitting there in the deafening Hell silence the hooded figure moved, putting his wooden staff into the water. All I could see of him from my vantage point at the bottom of the boat were his gnarled white hands.

    The rope tied to a stake stabbed into the split rock spontaneously uncoiled, setting us adrift. The current quickly picked us up, and my stomach threatened to start heaving again.

    The jagged rock tunnel had stalactites of all sizes hanging from the roof. As we progressed I noticed we were passing the gaping mouth of an opening into which ran a thinner branch of the River. I wondered if it led to one of the other 'Circles'.
     
  8. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    "It's okay, sweetheart," I whispered to Seren, holding him close.

    "I guess I broke my promise. Everything Axis said when you followed me out of that alley was true." I tried to hide my sniffle.

    "But I won't let you go. I won't leave you until they tear me away from you. I promise. It'll all be over soon, buddy." I buried my face in his curls to hide my crying. He was still quivering with fear.

    "Deez, now that we're in Hell… You do know what it would mean if she was--you know--the one, right? And we rip her outta the Cycle?"

    Diesel nodded his horned bear's head. His countless teeth gnashed together as he spoke.

    "The end of Mortality. The end of humans."

    The skink nodded his wide, flat head rapidly, his tongue darting in and out of his lipless mouth.

    "You know what that would mean for Hellions, don't you?"

    The bear-spider snarled.

    "Not this again."

    "A new world order. A new universal order. A whole different playing field, minus the mortals."

    "I don't wanna tak about this. The ones responsible wouldn't be too likely too escape justice, once God locked on. Best to stay ignorant one way or the other."

    He rubbed his hairy, double-jointed legs together nervously.
     
  9. SIPAWITZ

    SIPAWITZ Bialy Whore Banned User

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    I'm glad she's releasing more chapters
     
  10. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    "Besides, walls got ears in Hell, too, pal. They just ain't gull ears."

    Seren was clinging to me.

    My shoulder was wet with his silent tears as I rocked him back and forth, my hand stroking his curls.

    Suddenly a ringing, clanging sound reached my ears and I looked up sharply. Axis' liquid eyes went even wider in response to the sound, and Diesel's legs danced on the spot. He growled something harsh and guttural; I supposed it must be demon tongue.

    "The only sound that carries on Hell," he snarled. "Angel steel."

    Lexus swung his head to point it at the black-robed boatkeeper standing in the front of the boat.

    "I know this thing goes faster. You don't wanna get caught with a pure soul in your raft," he panted with his forked tongue flicking wildly out of his mouth.

    The hooded spectre seemed to hesitate, the plunged his staff into the dark water without the slightest ripple. The banks started to speed by faster.

    I sat up at the mention of angels, looking at the red and grey terrain behind us. Diesel seemed to read my mind, snapping,

    "Don't even think about it. You'll go straight in the Styx. You don't wanna know what they'll do to a soul that reminds them they ain't alive."

    I clutched Seren a little tighter.

    "Don't give up yet, baby. The angels are on their way. It's not over 'til the fat lady sings." My eyes were closed as I whispered into his hair.
     
  11. nserafini

    nserafini Well-Known Member

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    bear spider ?
     
  12. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    "Angels are coming for us. They came all the way to Hell to save us. It's not over yet, Seren. Angels are coming. Maybe two lost souls can get a second chance after all." My voice broke.

    Axis gave me the serpentine equivalent of a sneer.

    "Don't count on it, sister. This is your stop."

    I stared in confusion at first, my eyes brimming with tears.

    The bank had disappeared on both sides, rugged rocks protruding from the water in its place. Then I saw that another short stone bank was approaching, the cave opening that it preceded like a gaping gullet. The hooded figure had already placed his staff in the water and the thin wooden craft started to slow, listing toward the flat stone bank.

    My stomach dropped, heavy with dread.

    "Lucifer'll be waiting." Axis hissed.

    A scream caught in my throat as Diesel reached between the two of us.

    He pushed me away to grab Seren and lift him into his coarsely furred arms, one of his claws catching my Mark and tearing the charred scab.

    He threw Seren unceremoniously onto the bank, looking satisfied when I scrambled to follow. The two demons and the hooded figure drifted on down the bank, quickly fading in the shimmering of the Hell heat.

    Seren was standing with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the river with his wide brown eyes vacant.

    I put a hand against my shirt and felt despair when it came back red.

    There, on the banks of the River Styx with my butt in the red dirt and my forehead against my knees, I felt all of the fight draining out of me.

    "Let's just wait here, Seren," I said softly. It sounded like a murmur in the thick Hell air.

    "I'm tired. And if we stay here the angels might find us."

    Seren stared at me with his tear-streaked face expectant, standing in his dirty cotton pants and tattered sneakers.

    A fresh wave of hopelessness hit me. I felt a strange anger toward the little boy.

    "Don't look at me like that, okay? I never asked you to follow me out of the dumpster. Lexus warned you that I'm nothing but trouble, and you tagged along anyway. Can't you see it's your own stupid fault for not listening?"

    I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, spreading sticky snot across my cheek.

    "I'm no good. I've never been any good to anybody. The only thing I was ever good at was being bad. All the people who ever cared about me suffered."

    I looked at him sharply as though he was about to disagree.

    "They did. Starting with my mom, when she bled out trying to have me. And my dad, having to raise me after I murdered his wife. Then Mizetti."

    I looked up at the child and his expectantly trusting face was crossed with confusion and hurt.

    "Now you. If I hadn't stopped that angel, you wouldn't be stuck here. This is all my fault. So we're going to sit here and wait for the angels, before I can screw up anything else--"

    The patting sound of running feet, hollow in my ears, made me look up.

    The little boy was running down the tunnel and away from me.

    I remembered the promise I'd made on the boat and fear filled my chest like a growing balloon, pressing against my ribcage and threating to burst.

    Had I really just done that? Broken down and shouted at the scared little boy who'd just been subject to viewing monsters in the flesh?

    "Seren!" I sobbed. "Please come back! The angels are c--" The words died in my throat.

    There, at the end of the tunnel just before an opening into a massive red-stone cavern, stood Seren. He was walking, one hand outstretched to take hers, toward a beautiful dark-haired woman with emeralds adorning her throat and fingers. Her nails were long and laquered blood-red, coming to razor-sharp points.

    I had no doubt she must be Lucifer
     
  13. Phil McKrakin

    Phil McKrakin AKA Howie POTY The Bar VIP

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    I'm going to print it out and curl up by the fire and read.
     
  14. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I respectfully disagree. Little girl is 20, and this is her second novel. Perhaps this isn't the one that will be published, b ut she's talking to publishers, and their feedback isn't as harsh as yours.

    I agree that it needs some work. What initial transcript doesn't?
     
  15. eliasbboy

    eliasbboy Insert Witty Title Here Staff Member

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    I'm pretty sure he posted that without reading. It's great stuff and you should be a proud mama, as I'm sure you are.
     
  16. gilaet

    gilaet Zen As Fuck Gold

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    I just had 40 orgasms.
     
  17. WonderWarthog

    WonderWarthog Re-Member VIP

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    format for paragraphs & you'll be onto something
     
  18. Yellowfever

    Yellowfever New Member Banned User

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    A modern Beowulf
     
  19. Slippy

    Slippy Well-Known Member VIP Gold

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    I'm by far her harshest critic.......we had it out on the phone the other night. I told her that I didn't want to critique her, 'cause she hated anything that mommy said. Her response: "Mom, I'm YOU. I know YOU will tell it to me like it is, please be straight up with me".

    So I did. I think she tries too hard with some of her analogies, and doesn't stay focused on her audience. She's a genius with descriptive writing, and character development, however.

    She handled it well.
     
  20. nserafini

    nserafini Well-Known Member

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    serious, this bear-spider sounds cool as hell ..