Yes, I know some of you newer or slower listeners might conceivably still think old Mike is just a big old loveable dimwitted teddy bear. But he's not. He's a scumbag, as all of us regular listeners have learned. Let us examine what is only the most recent evidence. This will be a verbatim transcript. Background: The adorable Mike still lives with his mom. She is in her mid-70s, has terminal cancer, and has debilitating heart disease. In addition to taking care of his every need -- cooking, cleaning, household repairs, laundry, shopping, cutting his hair, dyeing his hair, otherwise grooming him, dressing him, transportation, finances, etc. -- Mrs. Bocchetti spends several days a week going to church. She also does chores for the rest of the 8 people in the house. Mike, meanwhile, has a 3 hour/night job that begins at 10 PM and ends at 1 PM. He lives 30 minutes from the studio (up to 1 hour by express bus). He has no other responsibilities and doesn't so much as take out the garbage or shovel snow in winter. After commuting and "work", he has 19 hours per day of completely free time available to him M-F, and weekends are free. Mike has taken over his sick mom's pink cell phone for approximately 2 weeks, because his own phone failed. The Scene: Artie Lange Show, March 19, 2014, Hour 1, Minute 13. http://www.artielangeshow.com/show-hour/wednesday-march-19-2014-hour-1/ [We pick up mid-conversation.] Artie: Mike was a marine for TWO DAYS. The marines came to Mike, the government came to Mike after two days and said listen, we've come to a decision, it's mutual, I believe. Bocchetti: Artie you know what, you know what my drill instructor said to me before he discharged me, he goes, "Who on God's earth created you, Space Cookie". Then he said, becuz, "He can be the first recruit who was shot since the Civil War for crimes against the United States government, for recruiting you, Cookie." Artie: You should have taken that cell phone, because you could have gotten kicked out because you're gay back then. Bocchetti: Oh, no. They, they made fun of my tattoos and everything. Ritchie: Mike, why don't you take the cell phone that they gave you that doesn't work, back? Bocchetti: My Mom's taking it back in the morning, Jon. Artie: Why's your Mom taking it back? Bocchetti: My phone hasn't come yet. Ritchie: But it's been several days. Artie: Why's your Mom doing that? You're 52! Bocchetti: She has more time than I do, tomorrow. I've got stuff to do tomorrow. Artie: What do you have to do tomorrow? Bocchetti: I've got some, some stuff. Artie: Why does your Mom have to go? Ritchie: Do you have Opie & Anthony tomorrow? Bocchetti: No! Not at all. I haven't been on... Artie: What does your Mom have to, what does your Mom have to do tomorrow? Bocchetti: Well she goes to church in the morning. She goes to... She was nice! She said, "I'll take the phone back. And, you know, we'll have it ready for you." Artie: What do you have to do tomorrow, that your poor mother has to do that? Bocchetti: I, I'll tell you in a bit. Falato: There's not a lot of time when you get up at 6 PM. Artie: Yeah, tell me, Mike, what, what Ritchie: His days are short. Artie: What do you have to do? Bocchetti: I have a meeting tomorrow, actually. Ritchie: A meeting? Artie: What time? Bocchetti: Uh, in the afternoon, early afternoon, at 3. Artie: So you can't... 3 o'clock? You can't go at 9 AM, to take the phone? Bocchetti: Oh, my Mom said "I'm going to church, I'll do it for you on the way home." It's nice! Artie: You are SO lazy. Bocchetti: Yeah, but, if the offer's there, why not take it? [one can feel his grin through the airwaves] Artie: Because she's your MOTHER. You say, "no, Mom, you go to church. You're 74 years old. I'm, I'm your son! I'll get up, and take care of my own phone!" Ritchie: Instead of getting up at 2:30 PM. Bocchetti: No! I been, I get up. I get up and I did my Falato (drop?): I don't want that burden. Artie: Oh, man. That is, you're disgusting the way you treat her! Bocchetti: I, uh, no. She's... the greatest person in my life. For sure. Artie: Yeah, well, uh listen. You have to, I want you take your own phone tomorrow. [long pause] Bocchetti: Yeah, I'll get up. [Extended laughter and buzzer] Ritchie: That was convincing.