Why your team sucks...San Diego Chargers edition

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by zhukov, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    :jj:

    Your team:
    San Diego Chargers

    Your 2013 record: 9-7, including a playoff win! That's amazing! Except that the playoff win came against the Bengals, and therefore does not count.

    Your coach: Mike McCoy, who may or may not be Brad Johnson's dad.

    Your quarterback: Honorary Duggar family member Philip Rivers, whose wife gave birth to their seventh kid in the middle of last season. SEVEN! A whole goddamn clan of Little Marmalards running around. Rivers is a vocal proponent of Natural Family Planning. The only time he pulls out is from under center. HEY NOW! Sync your intercourse to the lunar cycle and Jesus will reward you with the miracle of a baby born during the bye week. Let's catch up with Laserface as he talks about being a MAN:

    Men are the leaders of our families and in the corporate world as well and any time we can share and have an impact, it's great.

    What's new that sucks: Nothing. Absolutely nothing has changed since last season. I mean, Donald Brown is here, but that's Donald Brown. We can ignore that and just say that this is still the same average team fielding the same decent quarterback that plays in the same Harbin-style toilet of a stadium named after a wireless company whose name you haven't encountered anywhere else since 2002. The Chargers are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again for all eternity.

    Also, they signed Brandon Flowers.

    What has always sucked: That stadium. The Chargers are stuck playing in a Camden softball lot until 2020, and not only are they begging San Diego for a new stadium, but they are actively working against Los Angeles in its quest for a new team because they consider L.A. to be their market, which AHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE IN LA GIVES HALF A FUCK ABOUT THE CHARGERS. L.A. people aren't stupid. If they're gonna pick a team, they aren't picking the shitty team that plays in California's answer to Sarasota.

    :lol:

    No sane sports fan wants to be affiliated with San Diego because San Diego has never won anything. We always talk about Cleveland and Buffalo's travails, but San Diego is right up there in Great Runs of American Suck. They won one AFL title in 1963 but that totally doesn't count because AFL titles are stupid and pointless. The greatest moments in San Diego sports history involve the Padres sneaking into the World Series and then getting curbstomped. The Chargers blow all their talent when they have it and maximize their shittiness when they don't. They could fuck up an untoasted peanut-butter sandwich.


    Their fans are equally as trashy as the stadium they don't bother to ever visit. You think of San Diego as a nice, pleasant city with gorgeous people strolling along beaches and clumsy bachelors splitting an apartment with two flirty gals under the nose of that surly Mr. Roper. Then you go to a Chargers game and it's like you stumbled into a back alley behind a Taco Bell. The most interesting people in San Diego are the people who show up in cosplay costumes every summer and they don't even live there.

    This should be one of the great American cities and yet it's filled with military steakheads, old people, and Hooters waitresses. The weather is literally the only thing people who live in San Diego or have been to San Diego talk about. If natives aren't talking about how mild the weather is, they are berating you for liking Mexican food that is not from San Diego, as if they own the patent on Mexican food. Meanwhile, Mexico itself is sitting ZERO MILES AWAY. I feel like maybe Mexico has dibs on being the official home of Mexican food. It's a fantastically douchey city, which makes no sense at all. Cool people should live there, but they don't. It's just bro after bro after bro.

    :dave:

    Even Eli Manning, who is dumb as a brick, was like, "San Diego? Naw, man, that sounds boring as hell."

    Football-wise, Rivers is still around to throw charity picks and the backfield still consists of Ryan Matthews getting hurt and Danny Woodhead occupying the top spot in the waiver-wire free-agent listings every single week. The Chargers handed Dwight Freeney nearly $5 million last year just to say they signed Dwight Freeney. King Dunlap will get Rivers killed. Antonio Gates will miss at least four games and play with a walker in six more. And every game will be blacked out in favor of local zoo pandacam footage.

    What might not suck: McCoy has single-handedly revived Rivers's career, and new offensive coordinator Frank Reich knows how to come back from 32-point deficits, something the Chargers experience quite a bit.

    http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-san-diego-chargers-1621505743

     
  2. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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  3. Ferris Bueller

    Ferris Bueller floating around

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  4. crazypreacher

    crazypreacher Hey yo

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    7 kids? That's a lot of future bros.


    [​IMG]
     
  5. TonyJax

    TonyJax White Privilege Denied. VIP

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  6. EasyJesus

    EasyJesus Pappy Gold

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    Haters gonna hate :dontknow:

    Its a little warm but just another day in paradise here :cheer:

    http://i1148.photobucket.com/albums/o564/dawgshed/424f6e0c73e427d5cd591407ea32e0c8.jpg
     
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  7. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  8. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    The rest of U sure do spend a lot of ur time thinking about my Chargers o_O

    They win and they lose.

    Who cares.
     
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  9. crazypreacher

    crazypreacher Hey yo

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    [​IMG]
     
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  10. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    109? :wtf:
     
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  11. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    I think this was the first Chargers thread not started by Dave since 2010.
     
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  12. Buzz

    Buzz Active Member

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    You make a lot of good points, and I grew up in San Diego...
     
  13. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    Out in no mans land
     
  14. Caomhan

    Caomhan Active Member

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    san diego county stretches east to a desert state park
     
  15. beatlejaws

    beatlejaws nowhere poster

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  16. DarkFriday

    DarkFriday Fired as a MOD...Twice. Gold

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    Meh.

    I say fuck the Raiders o_O
     
  17. SIPAWITZ

    SIPAWITZ Bialy Whore Banned User

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    Yea....but at least we're not the cowboys
     
  18. zhukov

    zhukov Time traveler Gold

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    not exactly my points, credit goes to Deadspin.
     
  19. freds

    freds you broke it VIP

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    the Chargers are not my team, i'm a Lions fan. and what's wrong with Sarasota?
     
  20. freds

    freds you broke it VIP

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    yes, we have four distinct climates.
     
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