Yoda: I Read It So You Don't Have To

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    Tonight I went to the "Juvenile Picture Books" section of Barnes & Noble, to read and not purchase Beth's new book. Since it wasn't displayed among the new releases, I thought for a moment that it had actually sold out. So I searched the store's inventory using one of their computers, and found the place was fully stocked.

    Like an unwanted Persian at a Hamptons animal shelter, Yoda was hidden in the back, displayed spine-out, and unceremoniously buried among a sea of old books. It didn't stand a chance of being noticed. So I took the initiative to display it more prominently in the front of the section, next to the other Star Wars titles:

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    Yoda is introduced in the book as a beautiful purebred who spends his days dreaming of being a super cat. For some unexplained reason, he's uprooted from his home and dumped off at an animal shelter. The handsome, expensive young cat watches in sad disbelief as every dime-a-dozen mixed-breed feline -- even the one with bad breath -- gets adopted instead of him. He begins to give up hope on himself -- until one unforgettable Saturday, when's he's visited by a nice lady named Beth.

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    You won't believe what happens next:

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    Yoda awakens to a two-page spread of a beautiful highrise apartment in Manhattan. Who would have thought that a highly-coveted, gorgeous young purebred like himself would ever have such a view?

    Anyway, Yoda has what vets call a "sad heart." He's not sure what that means, but he doesn't like the sound of it. One day, while wandering around his new luxury penthouse, he meets the kittens that Beth's fostering -- including a precocious troublemaker named Petunia. (Beth is likely planning a spinoff; she recently hashtagged many of her photos #badpetunia). And soon he takes on the role of "papa," teaching them how to eat and behave, and punishing them for climbing in Beth's shoe closet.

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    When #badpetunia falls from the top shelf in the shoe closet and lands on Yoda, Beth rushes him to the vet for a checkup. The cat checks out fine, and to everyone's surprise, the vet says that Yoda now has a "happy heart!" Realizing that purpose cures sad cat hearts, Yoda proudly resumes his role as papa to Beth's many foster kittens, living the rest of his life in unimaginable luxury. THE END.


    There are more words in Beth's author's note than there are in the story. In it, Beth says something very Beth-like about her love of pet adoption: "I love being thanked by people for opening their eyes to adoption and saving a life."

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    I think the only redeeming part of the book is the unintentionally funny and fake-looking "family portrait" of Howard, Beth and Yoda on the back cover. But you don't have to take my word for it ...

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    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  2. jyanks

    jyanks Well-Known Member

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    thank you for taking one for the team. + reps.
     
  3. Engaged Chicken

    Engaged Chicken Well-Known Member

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    Jesus fucking christ on a crutch. :coffee:
     
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  4. knu3421

    knu3421 Well-Known Member

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    Tell me right now howard doesn't look like jar jar binks
     
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  5. markluke

    markluke Well-Known Member

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    I (rather sadly) have a copy in my house, as it was gifted to one of my kids. If anyone wants a hi-res scan of any of the pages for any forum-related purpose just send me a PM.
     
  6. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    Between Howard looking like Jar-Jar and the cat being named Yoda, they're just daring Disney to sue them.
     
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  7. baci

    baci Well-Known Member VIP

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    This can't be Beth. No big gaudy Love necklace or overalls.

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  8. markluke

    markluke Well-Known Member

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    Even the fucking cat is wonky eyed.
     
  9. ppm

    ppm Well-Known Member

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    You are doing gods work not beth ;)
     
  10. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

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    The picture on the back gives me, the wife, and the woman down the street douche chills .... and I'm the only one looking at it.
     
  11. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

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    My girlfriend even said it looked fake. Like they weren't really together in the shot.
     
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  12. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

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    I think no matter what the occasion, those people will always be fake ;)
     
  13. Pooh bear

    Pooh bear Well-Known Member VIP

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    Once again she reveals her true nature by that one stupid line-I love being thanked by people! So self serving.
     
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  14. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

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    She loved being thanked by people, but don't expect her to help any. (She'll gladly take their money though) ;)
     
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  15. Vinegarette

    Vinegarette Don't Believe What You Hear

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    Here's the cat room in Beth's mansion:

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  16. Vinegarette

    Vinegarette Don't Believe What You Hear

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    Here's one of Beth's closets in the mansion:

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  17. Black Sabbath

    Black Sabbath Nothing to prove

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    That line is great! I also love how she said she cheated on EVERY boyfriend.....hahahahah
     
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  18. Vashier

    Vashier VIP Extreme Gold

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    upload_2014-11-20_22-30-47.png

    Like mother like son
     
  19. Engaged Chicken

    Engaged Chicken Well-Known Member

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    Look at Howard's eyes in that picture. They are just as wonky. :shakey:
     
  20. JessOnCrack

    JessOnCrack Check out my maniacal laugh! Banned User

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    this is the climax of the story? The humble brag of Petunia climbing around the 70 pairs of size 12 Jimmy Choos