Yoda: I Read It So You Don't Have To

Discussion in 'The Howard Stern Show' started by Benjamen, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    255,087
    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2010
    Messages:
    8,290
    Likes Received:
    51,908
    Tonight I went to the "Juvenile Picture Books" section of Barnes & Noble, to read and not purchase Beth's new book. Since it wasn't displayed among the new releases, I thought for a moment that it had actually sold out. So I searched the store's inventory using one of their computers, and found the place was fully stocked.

    Like an unwanted Persian at a Hamptons animal shelter, Yoda was hidden in the back, displayed spine-out, and unceremoniously buried among a sea of old books. It didn't stand a chance of being noticed. So I took the initiative to display it more prominently in the front of the section, next to the other Star Wars titles:

    [​IMG]

    Yoda is introduced in the book as a beautiful purebred who spends his days dreaming of being a super cat. For some unexplained reason, he's uprooted from his home and dumped off at an animal shelter. The handsome, expensive young cat watches in sad disbelief as every dime-a-dozen mixed-breed feline -- even the one with bad breath -- gets adopted instead of him. He begins to give up hope on himself -- until one unforgettable Saturday, when's he's visited by a nice lady named Beth.

    [​IMG]

    You won't believe what happens next:

    [​IMG]

    Yoda awakens to a two-page spread of a beautiful highrise apartment in Manhattan. Who would have thought that a highly-coveted, gorgeous young purebred like himself would ever have such a view?

    Anyway, Yoda has what vets call a "sad heart." He's not sure what that means, but he doesn't like the sound of it. One day, while wandering around his new luxury penthouse, he meets the kittens that Beth's fostering -- including a precocious troublemaker named Petunia. (Beth is likely planning a spinoff; she recently hashtagged many of her photos #badpetunia). And soon he takes on the role of "papa," teaching them how to eat and behave, and punishing them for climbing in Beth's shoe closet.

    [​IMG]

    When #badpetunia falls from the top shelf in the shoe closet and lands on Yoda, Beth rushes him to the vet for a checkup. The cat checks out fine, and to everyone's surprise, the vet says that Yoda now has a "happy heart!" Realizing that purpose cures sad cat hearts, Yoda proudly resumes his role as papa to Beth's many foster kittens, living the rest of his life in unimaginable luxury. THE END.


    There are more words in Beth's author's note than there are in the story. In it, Beth says something very Beth-like about her love of pet adoption: "I love being thanked by people for opening their eyes to adoption and saving a life."

    [​IMG]

    I think the only redeeming part of the book is the unintentionally funny and fake-looking "family portrait" of Howard, Beth and Yoda on the back cover. But you don't have to take my word for it ...

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  2. jyanks

    jyanks Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    29,937
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    7,098
    Likes Received:
    4,002
    thank you for taking one for the team. + reps.
     
  3. Engaged Chicken

    Engaged Chicken VIP Extreme Gold

    Reputations:
    171,234
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2010
    Messages:
    135,741
    Likes Received:
    32,180
    Jesus fucking christ on a crutch. :coffee:
     
    AuntDolly, smichal, icypussy and 14 others like this.
  4. knu3421

    knu3421 Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    36,270
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2012
    Messages:
    22,801
    Likes Received:
    5,999
    Tell me right now howard doesn't look like jar jar binks
     
    ZevonFan, Nemo, smichal and 6 others like this.
  5. markluke

    markluke Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    24,346
    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2013
    Messages:
    5,147
    Likes Received:
    4,613
    I (rather sadly) have a copy in my house, as it was gifted to one of my kids. If anyone wants a hi-res scan of any of the pages for any forum-related purpose just send me a PM.
     
  6. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    255,087
    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2010
    Messages:
    8,290
    Likes Received:
    51,908
    Between Howard looking like Jar-Jar and the cat being named Yoda, they're just daring Disney to sue them.
     
    ZevonFan, 1Vegasgirl, teehee and 3 others like this.
  7. baci

    baci Well-Known Member VIP

    Reputations:
    22,172
    Joined:
    May 13, 2013
    Messages:
    1,639
    Likes Received:
    4,350
    This can't be Beth. No big gaudy Love necklace or overalls.

    [​IMG]
     
  8. markluke

    markluke Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    24,346
    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2013
    Messages:
    5,147
    Likes Received:
    4,613
    Even the fucking cat is wonky eyed.
     
  9. ppm

    ppm Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    63,886
    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2014
    Messages:
    14,762
    Likes Received:
    12,115

    You are doing gods work not beth ;)
     
  10. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

    Reputations:
    105,831
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    6,070
    Likes Received:
    13,458
    The picture on the back gives me, the wife, and the woman down the street douche chills .... and I'm the only one looking at it.
     
  11. Benjamen

    Benjamen Well-Known Member

    Reputations:
    255,087
    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2010
    Messages:
    8,290
    Likes Received:
    51,908
    My girlfriend even said it looked fake. Like they weren't really together in the shot.
     
    ZevonFan and smichal like this.
  12. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

    Reputations:
    105,831
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    6,070
    Likes Received:
    13,458
    I think no matter what the occasion, those people will always be fake ;)
     
  13. Pooh bear

    Pooh bear Well-Known Member VIP

    Reputations:
    343,550
    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2014
    Messages:
    16,542
    Likes Received:
    41,326
    Once again she reveals her true nature by that one stupid line-I love being thanked by people! So self serving.
     
    Dump Button, Jayla, ZevonFan and 13 others like this.
  14. Dick Fitzwell

    Dick Fitzwell Opinions are like assholes ... and so am I

    Reputations:
    105,831
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Messages:
    6,070
    Likes Received:
    13,458
    She loved being thanked by people, but don't expect her to help any. (She'll gladly take their money though) ;)
     
    Jayla, ZevonFan, smichal and 6 others like this.
  15. Vinegarette

    Vinegarette Don't Believe What You Hear

    Reputations:
    38,942
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2014
    Messages:
    1,833
    Likes Received:
    6,611
    Here's the cat room in Beth's mansion:

    [​IMG]
     
  16. Vinegarette

    Vinegarette Don't Believe What You Hear

    Reputations:
    38,942
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2014
    Messages:
    1,833
    Likes Received:
    6,611
    Here's one of Beth's closets in the mansion:

    [​IMG]
     
    Dump Button, Nemo, smichal and 5 others like this.
  17. Black Sabbath

    Black Sabbath Nothing to prove

    Reputations:
    53,037
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2011
    Messages:
    1,934
    Likes Received:
    2,203
    That line is great! I also love how she said she cheated on EVERY boyfriend.....hahahahah
     
    Dump Button, Jayla, smichal and 5 others like this.
  18. Vashier

    Vashier VIP Extreme Gold

    Reputations:
    26,253
    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2010
    Messages:
    11,708
    Likes Received:
    3,996
    upload_2014-11-20_22-30-47.png

    Like mother like son
     
  19. Engaged Chicken

    Engaged Chicken VIP Extreme Gold

    Reputations:
    171,234
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2010
    Messages:
    135,741
    Likes Received:
    32,180
    Look at Howard's eyes in that picture. They are just as wonky. :shakey:
     
  20. JessOnCrack

    JessOnCrack Check out my maniacal laugh! Banned User

    Reputations:
    81,325
    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2013
    Messages:
    3,269
    Likes Received:
    6,841
    this is the climax of the story? The humble brag of Petunia climbing around the 70 pairs of size 12 Jimmy Choos